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Hailee is the one who battled death and won—twice.
“Oh, I missed you, Pais,” her voice is soft and warm as we break apart and start to head inside, “Connor will be here later, but right now I get you to myself. Come on, I made us lunch, we can sit out by the pool.”
Out by their amazing pool with its infinity edge overlooking the hills and valleys of The Pillars, we enjoy lunch. We don’t feast on caviar and champagne, but BLTs and cold Cokes. Even if they live a rich life now, the two of them never changed a bit. They live behind fences and walls to protect their children and so they can hide away from the media.
“How are you doing? You look good,” I tell her as I sip on my second Coke, watching the babies play in the kiddie pool a few feet away, “you look...honestly, I thought you might not look so good,” I admit, wincing when she makes a face at me.
“Connor treats me like glass sometimes,” she says with a twist of her lips, but I know she loves how he takes care of her, “I guess I can see why. I felt like glass sometimes when I was sick. I am not sick now,” she looks around as if she wants to keep her next words between us, “I think I am pregnant!”
“No way,” I gasp as I lean in too, excited to hear the news, “have you two found out yet?”
When she first found out they were pregnant with Milo, I was terrified it would be too hard on her. She had been in remission for a while, but we all worried she could relapse. Her body took a beating, with chemo and radiation, but getting pregnant seemed almost like a relief to her. To put her body through what she put it through to become a mother, to make her husband a father, it was like winning a gold medal.
“Not yet,” she states, her voice lighter and her eyes sparkling as she goes on, “we go to the doctor tomorrow though. I will call you and Bran....” she flinches when she says his name and I realize I pulled away from her when she mentioned him.
“Hailee,” I soften my words, “do not exclude him because of me. He loves those babies as much as I do. Loves Connor like a brother and you like his baby sister. Just because he and I....”
“He knows you are home,” she admits, biting her bottom lip as she swings her eyes away, giving away just how he knows, “and he misses you, Pais. He doesn’t realize how much he talks about you to us. He asks without asking. I wish...”
“Don’t,” I cut her off with a curtness in my tone that I regret when I see her face fall, “oh, Hails, I do not mean to be that way. I just...I am home for who knows how long. I am going to see him, I know that. I am not.... I cannot talk about him yet. I stayed away all these years because of him. I know what you wish, and I did once too, but those days are over.”
“I don’t mean it,” she mumbles, tears falling down her cheeks and making me feel like a real asshole, “I just meant I wish you two could be okay,” she rushes her words out, sniffling as she goes to scoop the babies up and head inside.
Well, fuck. Way to upset your best friend, jerk. None of what happened with us is anyone else’s fault. Neither of us cheated or forced our friends to take sides. We just ended. It feels so simple to say it that way, but it is the truth. It does not feel simple and that’s why it’s so hard to talk about.
Because I know even if we ended, our feelings never did.
Rushing after her, I find her in the kitchen, putting away our lunch. Without a word, I jump in and start helping her. We do dishes, we clean counters, and we put food away and even start a meal for dinner for them. We don’t talk until we finish and then, I am the one doing the talking.
“I am sorry. You are the best person in the entire world, and I hate that I forget it sometimes. I just...you know I never got over him, and I never will. I miss him too. I just....”
“You gave up too, Pais,” she lays into me, and I know I deserve it, “not just on him. On yourself, on happiness, and on us too. I understand better than anyone. I gave up once before,” she reminds me and I sigh because I remember it all too well, “I turned my back on you and Bran, my brothers, my entire world. You know who brought me out of it? Bran. He came to the house every day that time Connor and I broke up. He made me go eat, he told Connor I was not myself, that I was sick. And he made me talk to you after we fought. I gave up on my life because I thought without Connor, it would not be the same. And I was right, but even without him, I had to live. And so do you, Paisley.”
Tears fill my eyes because she is right. I gave up on living life because my life did not go how I wanted it to. How I had spent hours of my youth planning it to. I wanted to marry Bran and live a life much like the one she is living now. Not the fancy house or the superstar husband—I could do without that. But with a family, settled down with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, doing what I dreamt of doing.
Because we could not make it work, I gave up on all of that. For the last few years, I have been working, creating art I don’t give a shit about at a gallery that I hated. I never dated and I hardly made friends with the roommate I was sharing my condo with. I was barely present in my own fucking life because my heart was so broken.
“No...no, you got it all right. I know I did. I just.... stopped giving a shit about anything that didn’t give a shit about me. And a few things that did give a shit,” I mutter, moving to sit by her and wrap her little body up in a hug, “I miss you, Hails. And I miss Connor and your babies. Fuck, I miss him, too. I am terrified to see him. Afraid I will feel the same or feel nothing at all. I don’t know what it is like to not feel anything for him.”
“I am not glad you came back because you had to,” she murmurs, brushing my crazy hair back from my face, “but I am glad you are here. We love you, Pais. My babies adore you and they miss you. And if I am pregnant, I would love to have you here with me. You can even come here with us, we have the room and Connor is home a lot but most times, it's just me and the littles.”
Hugging her middle tight, I shake my head. I cannot believe I snapped at her before—but worse, I cut them all out for so long. I missed birthdays and holidays with the most important people in my life. Hailee, Connor, and their kids are my family. I gave up on them the same way I said Bran gave up on me—only he never really gave up on them at all.
“Ma would love that. Think I put a bit of a dent in their dirty time together. Makes me sick, the two of them,” I say with a shudder, but I am smiling as I climb to my feet.
“You ought to get some dirty time, young lady,” she says with a smirk, “you might not think it’s so sick after you get laid again.”
“Watch your mouth, missy,” I gasp the words, swatting at her playfully, “how do you know I have not gotten laid lately?”
“Have you?” she shoots back, quirking a brow as she smirks up at me.
“That would be a no,” I grumble, hopping atop the island in the kitchen, rubbing at the tattoo on my hand again.
“Karina Masters, a friend of mine with a painfully hot husband—don't tell my husband I said that, I will deny it—she was telling me about their new dating app. It’s called...what was it? Pic Me! It’s one that’s not based on photos, just what you like or don’t like, what you’re into for fun, or.... other stuff. You should give it a try. It’s local right now, so there are lots of singles signing up for it.”
“No way, Hails, I am not desperate. I mean, I can always call Pete up,” I tease her about a guy we went to college with who was obsessed with her, “he would die to get close to you again.” I laugh when she gags.
“If you want to get him dead,” a booming voice barks and I jump before I laugh when I see Connor leaning against the kitchen door, “he makes a wide path away from my wife for the sake of his health,” he grumbles the words and I laugh, jumping down from the counter to rush him with a hug.
