AllFreeNovel
Share Us
She’s asking me to be cool, but I feel like if I don’t know the answer, then I’ll just continue to wonder. I’ll wonder if she’s going to drop me any minute for Sam. I’ll just let my mind spin until I go crazy with the need to know. I left town because of this very scenario before, and there’s no point in getting too involved if it’s just going to happen again. I decide to stand my ground. I have to know.
“No, we can’t. What is this?” I ask again.
“Okay, if we must do this now.” She sighs and bites her lip. For just a moment, I want to go back to when we were just lying there. I don’t want to know the truth, but I’ve opened this can of worms, so I’ve got to swallow whatever it is she tells me.
“I don’t know what this is. I’m just figuring it out. It feels good, and I want to be with you right now.” Her voice is low, and she seems to be teetering on frustration.
“Right now?” I ask, feeling the panic rise up in my chest. “Just right now?”
“Yes, that’s all I can give you. Right now. I just told you I wanted to spend the day in bed.” She shakes her head and runs her fingers through her hair. “What has gotten into you? We just had an amazing time together, and now you’ve ruined it by asking questions I’m not ready for.”
Standing, I start to pace the room naked. When I look over at Nina, her eyes are glued to my penis swaying from left to right like it’s hypnotizing her. I decide I should put my boxers on, so she doesn’t get too distracted.
Understandably, Nina looks confused. We were in such a good place a minute ago, and I want to get back to that place, but we have to go through this first. The anxiety and fear of the unknown are just too much. It shouldn’t matter this much to me, but I’ve realized that I still love her, and I have to find out if she feels the same. If she just wants me for right now, then I need to cut ties and run.
“Nothing has gotten into me. I just need to know what you think this is.” My heart is hammering, thundering in my chest. I can’t stop myself from ruining everything. It’s like I’ve floated above my body, and I’m watching this happen, but I can’t kick myself and say shut up, dude, you’re being an idiot right now.
“You’re freaking me out, Travis, maybe you should just go.”
That hits me like a ton of bricks square in the chest. Of all the things I thought she’d say, I didn’t expect her to tell me to leave. Now, I wonder if I should backpedal. Can I still salvage this? Do I want to salvage this?
As if she’s reasoning with herself, she says, “Yeah, you should go. We can talk about this later. Something has obviously got you agitated.” For some reason, her words set me off. Maybe it’s the rejection or dismissal, I don’t know, but I crumble into tiny pieces.
“You can’t just use people, Nina,” I yell, my face heating. “You can’t just screw me and then use Sam to take you out on nice dates.” I know I’ve gone too far before she says anything, hurt-filled eyes give away her reaction. She looks gutted like a fish plucked out of the water and sliced down the middle.
“Get out. Leave. If that’s what you think of me, then leave,” she exclaims coldly while pointing toward the door.
“Nina, I—”
“Out!” She yells one last time and turns her back on me. I don’t have a choice but to leave. I’m really good at screwing things up, at overthinking, and worrying. For a few minutes, I stare at her back.
When I finally realize there’s nothing I can do, I walk out of the room.
NINA
I sit on my bed, wondering what the hell just happened. Did he really think that I would jump into a relationship with him? I remember all too well how it felt when he stopped talking to me. It was agony when he just left town without even a goodbye. I won’t ever let myself get that close again. The sex is great, but that’s all it’s going to be, no matter how enticing the idea of us being together again is. I’m not getting hurt again.
The memory of him leaving me the first time will forever be engraved in my mind. I knew he was still talking to Grady and in a way that made things worse. I thought he wanted to be with me, but then he was gone, and never even tried to reach out to me. Lying back on the bed, I allow the memories to take over and relive that awful time before college when I was pretty sure I’d never fall in love again.
The night we were together, Travis was the sweetest and most attentive man in the world. I played the night over and over in my head for months after he left. I was trying to find any indication, any cracks in the memories that would show me what had gone wrong.
“You want to just stay here?” he asks. “We can just move into this apartment and get fat and make love all the time.”
“Yes, we could stay here, but people would start to wonder where we were,” I say, laughing. “We both have to work.”
“You couldn’t just live in the fantasy with me for two seconds?” He kisses me softly. “I just wanted to pretend we could stay here.”
“I want to,” I tell him. Part of me truly fears if we don’t stay right where we are, things will change. What if sex changes things between us? I don’t want anything to change.
“Where are you?” He says, drawing me back to the present.
“Sorry, just thinking about having to leave. I’ve really wanted this to happen for a long time.”
“Me too,” he admits, pulling me into him.
After that first night, I didn’t want to seem too eager to talk to him, so I didn’t call him the next day. I knew we’d see each other soon, so I didn’t worry that we wouldn’t talk. But somehow, I managed to get the flu and spent the next three days in bed feeling awful.
The day of the Halloween party was the first day I’d felt better. It was my chance to talk to him and make sure we were okay after the sex. It had been amazing, even though I’d been nervous. All I knew was that Travis was a good kisser and he was very gentle with me. I’d made it seem like I wasn’t a virgin the whole time, but I had a feeling he knew that wasn’t true. He knew me too well.
