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Taking a deep breath, he went inside and nudged the door closed with his hip. Lori was standing by the picture window, her back to him, one arm curved around her midriff, the other hanging by her side. Zane dropped the plastic bag he’d brought with him onto the couch.
“Hi.”
She didn’t turn around, nor did she acknowledge his presence in any way other than a slight stiffening of her shoulders. He crossed the room and stood beside her. He reached for her hand. She curled her fingers. He held her fist instead, caressing her knuckles with his thumb.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” She still refused to look at him.
“For running my mouth when I should have held you. For not listening to you. For loving you so much that I let my fear of losing you take control.”
She heaved a sigh, then turned, tipping back her head to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, too.”
“What do you have to be sorry about?”
“Let’s talk.” She led him to the couch. “What’s this?” She went to pick up the bag, but he got there before her, putting it on the floor.
“That’s for later.”
She twisted her lips and shrugged. “Okay.”
They sat beside one another. She captured his wrist and brought his hand to her stomach, placing his palm flat against her abdomen. His heart skipped a beat. Inside her, right this second, a life was growing.
He blinked, pushing the surge of happiness away. There were too many hurdles to overcome before he could allow his mind to go there. He and Lori weren’t like other first-time potential parents. Theirs was a complicated journey filled with challenges and headaches, and bumps that threatened to derail them at every turn.
“Ever since I had my transplant, all I could think about was when I’d need another, rather than being grateful for the second chance I’d been given. I fixated on statistics rather than living in the moment. I determined that I’d never be a mother because how could I give life to a child knowing I’d never see it grow up. Never see it get married and have kids of its own. So I birthed a company instead. An inanimate thing I could love and nurture and grow. A legacy I could leave behind.”
She moved his hand from her stomach, placing it on her thigh. He squeezed in encouragement for her to continue.
“I never expected to see you again, but when I did, every feeling I’d worked hard to quash came rushing back. I should have pushed you away, but selfishly, I craved a slice of happiness, however fleeting it might be. As the weeks passed, my mindset began to change. Weirdly, the scare I had with organ rejection made me believe, for the first time, in the possibility of a future.” She chuckled. “I know that’s counterintuitive, but it’s how I feel. It’s as if I’d lived with the dread of my heart packing up for so long that when it almost happened, I realized I wasn’t scared at all. Instead, I was mad at myself for wasting all that time being afraid. Right then, I decided that I’d live my life the same as any other person.”
“Oh, Lori.” Zane ran the back of his hand over her cheek.
“I know we didn’t plan this pregnancy, but don’t you see? It’s the chance I’ve been waiting for to live like a normal person. To put the promises I made to myself into action. To leave behind a true legacy. A piece of me and a piece of you.”
“It doesn’t stop me from being scared, Lori. The thought of losing you… it makes me ache. It’s like a fucking great hole opens in my chest and inside is molten lava and it’s burning me up from the inside. I lost you once. The pain of that isn’t something I’d want my worst enemy to experience. To lose you again… it’d kill me.”
“You won’t lose me,” she whispered. “Trust me, please, Zane. I know I can do this. Please don’t make me choose. I need you.” She choked back a sob.
“Oh, baby, come here.”
He tugged her across his lap and held her, rocked her, murmured loving words in her ear. She cried, quietly at first and then louder, the stress of the last few hours pouring out of her like a volcanic eruption. He cursed himself for allowing her to push him away last night. If he’d stuck around, refused to leave, maybe they could have had this conversation hours ago and saved them both a lot of heartache.
Wiping a hand underneath her nose, she sniffed, climbed off his lap, and grabbed a tissue from a box on the end table. She blew her nose and grabbed another to dry her eyes and face.
“Phew. I needed that.” She flopped onto the couch and rested her head on his shoulder. “Are you going to tell me what’s in the bag now?”
He smiled, reaching down to pick it up. He removed the calendar first, the one he’d made after Lori had flown to India. He handed it to her.
“What’s this?”
She flicked through the pages, each month faced with a picture of their younger selves, her lips stretching into a smile at the memories each one undoubtedly evoked.
“After you left, I made this. Each night before I went to sleep, I’d cross off another day. Each cross brought me closer to you.”
She carried on looking through, but when she came to the day he’d circled in red, she paused.
“This is when you got my text, isn’t it?”
