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He was the one person I’d trusted most in the world. He made me believe in surrendering as he picked me up off the floor. He’d made me believe that no matter what else happened, it was the two of us.
Then…
I sighed, the glass fogging with my warm breath.
I wasn't sure how long we drove for, but it didn't seem like long when the cab came to a stop. I opened my eyes and, despite the ache in my heart, I grinned at the view.
It hurt.
Everything hurt.
My eyes met Aren’s through the mirror.
“Do you mind?” I said, nodding toward Minnie.
“Got all night. I'm just going to rest my eyes for a second.”
Minnie grunted in her sleep when I moved, but she plopped over on the seat, getting comfortable.
It was warm outside and breezy. My hair blew in my face, and I twisted it up, putting it in a messy bun held together by a long strand of my hair. Pieces were already falling out, but it was better than the alternative. There was no hope for my bangs. The air lifted them and sent them in all different directions. I rested my butt against the car, the headlights breaking around me, but still highlighting the scene in front of me.
My hands were trembling. I set them behind me, between me and the hood, feeling the burn of the engine on my palms, and closed my eyes.
The whirlwind spun me back.
LUCILA
THE PAST
I'm in the janitorial closet. My eyes are closed and I'm sitting on my hands.
I'm sitting on my hands because they’re trembling, and I don’t know what to do with them.
The urge to have chocolate is strong. So strong that I'm imagining the first rip of the wrapper. The first sight of it. My eyes closing as it comes close to my lips. The first hit when the sweetness hits my tongue. My entire body giving in to it and relaxing into my skin.
That's not going to happen, though.
I'm one of those kids the school provides lunch for. Even though I don't eat, it's there. It’s especially useful as a coverup, so can I hide a candy bar underneath the tray when I don’t have the extra money to buy it. Usually, I have some spare change that Sonny leaves around. But I couldn’t find any that morning, and the lunch lady caught me trying to steal the candy bar.
She slapped my hand, and the entire school seemed to see it. Ava snapped and told her off, coming close to her face, and they escorted her out.
No telling if they’ll call Sonny or not. No telling if he'll answer if they do.
I take a deep breath and try to calm the chaos inside of myself. This is usually my time to let go. To...forget. Or maybe to bury.
I try to clear the negative thoughts. To do what the counselor told me to do. She told me to build a place inside of my head. It could be anywhere. It could look however I wanted.
A cabana on some exotic beach. Crystal clear water outside with peaceful waves rushing in and out.
A hidden cabin in the hills, surrounded by an emerald green forest.
A swanky Manhattan penthouse on the hundredth floor, all of New York hustling and bustling below.
A church with stained glass windows that coats the pews in a kaleidoscope of colors.
No matter what place I imagine myself in, though, only safe thoughts are allowed in with me.
It's not a place that comes to mind but him.
