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“I’m glad you have my best interest at heart, but one’s not going to kill me.” She sighs in defeat and places them on the counter. “Thanks. Appreciate it.” I grab the pack and the lighter and continue outside. There’s no smoking in the club—just because I’m the boss, I’m no exception to the rule.
I head out to my usual spot and pull one out of the pack. My hands are literally shaking, and I know once I light up, there’s no going back. All those agonizing months will have been in vain. In this moment, however, I’m too tired to give a shit. My heart’s pounding as I place the cig between my lips, flick the lighter and inhale. My first long pull has my head spinning, but it gets easier with each drag. It’s euphoric to the point where I can feel my cock throbbing inside my trousers. God, I’m such a sick son-of-a bitch.
I’m eerily calm as I watch the smoke dispel from my lips, curl skyward and disappear right before my very eyes. I’m not sure if it’s the nicotine or if it’s purely psychological, but I can feel my body relaxing with every exhale. When only the nub remains, I flick it into a puddle and hear it sizzle before it quickly snuffs out. I’m contemplating lighting up another one when my phone vibrates inside my pocket. It’s just Mike letting me know the coast is clear and wondering where the hell I ran off to. I also notice several missed calls that might need tending to. I suppose I should get back to work, since I still have a few more hours before calling it a night.
I make it a point to give Ariel her cigarettes back on the way to my office. She looks disappointed as the smell of smoke lingers on my clothing. It’s not the first time I’ve let someone down, and I’m sure it won’t be my last.
Mike’s patiently waiting for me by the time I get back. I gotta say the man’s very intimidating with his bald head, beady eyes and bulky frame. “Come on in and close the door behind you.”
I rip off my tie and get comfortable for the long haul. After terminating two employees, I won’t have time to go out and mingle with my guests later. Too much to do and so little time. “Everything under control?”
Mike folds his arms across his broad chest and relaxes. “No problems, boss. You shouldn’t have any issues with the likes of them. Wish I could say the same about you, though.”
I know exactly where he’s heading with this one since I smell like an ashtray. “No worries, Mike. I gave into an impulse and I’m back on track. If we’re good, then I need to find us two new employees. ASAP.”
“Duly noted. I’ll head back to my station. If you need me, just give me a shout.” Mike pulls his burly frame out of the chair and heads for the door. He’s the head bouncer for the club and my right-hand man. He’s been with me since day one and I trust the man with my life. And, if you really knew me, you’d realize trust doesn’t come easily for me.
Before settling in to go over applications, I decide to check my messages. As a businessman, I need to stay one step ahead of my competition. Even though it’s too late for a call back, I can get right on it first thing in the morning.
After reviewing my voice messages, I’m relieved to find there wasn’t anything of a business nature. And when your parents constantly tell you that you’re cold and heartless, you tend to believe them. Hence the reason I hit “Ignore” when I see a few missed calls from my family.
But, there’s one message I won’t ever be able to ignore. Although it’s hauntingly sad, it makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a very long time.
Perhaps my parents were wrong after all. I might not be as heartless and broken as they once thought me to be.
But I’ve no doubt—sleep deprivation will haunt me again tonight.
* * *
My heart’s insignificant since my existence turned dark
It’s an empty vessel without purpose or light
Yet my soul will continue living and survive
Until, we’re reunited on the day I die
LILIANNA
I’ve been staring at the same blank screen for over an hour now. My back’s screaming and even the cursor has long since given up on me. No longer blinking with enthusiasm but patiently waiting. Albeit, mocking me. Ugh, I had the best of intentions when I first sat down, but somehow that flew out the proverbial window. I promised myself I wouldn’t budge from this damn chair until I’d penned at least five thousand words today. Which breaks down to around sixteen or seventeen pages in my Word doc. At this rate, I’ll still be sitting here until the cows come home.
I contemplate stretching my back and getting something fresh to drink, since my hot coffee has grown cold and I’m parched. God knows it can’t be from all the brainstorming because that certainly didn’t happen. What’s wrong with me? I used to be passionate about the written word and now I just don’t care. Well, that might be a bit harsh. I do care. Perhaps, I’ve just misplaced my enthusiasm. I’m hoping to find it soon since my deadline is approaching, and I have nada to show for it.
As soon as I stride into the kitchen, I bend down, touch my toes and place my palms flat up against the tile floor. Extending my back and hamstrings at the same time. I must stifle a giggle when I think of someone walking in on me while I’m in this position.
I manage a dozen or so stretches before grabbing a bottle of cold water. Now that my back’s feeling a bit better and I’ve quenched my thirst, I consider going back to sit down. Until my ringtone begins playing Warrior by Beth Crowley and I know my time’s finally run out. I’m screwed. “Hi Nat, I was just thinking about you.”
“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Lili. Now, give me some good news.” My mind’s going in a million different directions, but I can’t come up with another lame excuse. Natalie’s been nothing but patient and kind. It’s not fair to keep her in the dark any longer.
“I’m sorry, Nat. I’ve tried so hard but all I do is sit at that damn computer and stare at a blank screen. I promise I’ll have something tangible for you by next weekend.” I can feel my heart racing with every lie that spews from my mouth.
“Sweetie, I know it must be difficult to write after such a devastating—”
“I’m fine, Natalie. Really. I’m truly sorry I’ve not been productive as of late, but it has nothing to do with—” God, I can’t even speak because of the lump that’s suddenly wedged in the back of my throat.
“Lili, I’m not the bad guy here. I wish I could tell you to take all the time you need, but the publisher’s breathing down my neck. As your agent, it’s my job to negotiate for you but we’re running out of time. Look, I’ll go to bat for you, but I really need something solid to give them by the end of next week. Understood?”
Taking a deep breath, I manage to squeak out, “Thank you, Natalie. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”
