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We both drift off to sleep and when I wake up hours later, I realize it’s the first time in six months that I didn’t check my phone. After spending the day with Lili and being inside of her, my unknown is the last thing on my mind.
A feeling of contentment washes over me and it’s almost too much to comprehend. So, I jump out of bed and go in search of the only woman who makes me feel this way.
But she’s nowhere to be found.
Lili’s gone.
LILIANNA
Numbness consumes me when I stumble through the door. I wear my guilt like a heavy cloak as I blindly walk through the apartment. Ryder is everywhere I look, yet Zane’s scent still clings to me like a second skin.
What have I done?
This is wrong.
Shame is a bitch and right now she has me by the throat. It’s not that I regret sleeping with Zane for one second, but I know it can never happen again. Evidently, this guilt that’s weighing me down means I’m still in love with Ryder. And whatever I feel for Zane is undoubtedly lust, because my body betrayed me. I know all too well that that kind of relationship has an expiration date—when the new flavor of the month comes along, I’m history.
My clothing is now scattered all over the apartment and it doesn’t bother me at all. Whatever OCD I possess has flown out the window when I step inside the shower. I’m not naïve in thinking that by shedding my clothes or washing off his manly scent, I’ll forget about Zane Sinclair. That could never happen. But I know it’s wrong to give myself to one man while I’m thinking of another. Maybe my mind can disengage when I’m tangled in the sheets, but my heart sure as hell can’t. It’s best to end this charade before it intensifies, because Zane could very well become my new addiction.
Now that I’m fresh and clean and in my comfy clothes, my stomach rumbles. I haven’t eaten since lunch and god knows I worked up an appetite. But, I never went shopping so I’ll have to settle for a peanut butter sandwich on stale bread. It’s a small price to pay for the security of my own home.
With plate in hand and a glass of milk, I settle in front of the television. Netflix is sounding good right about now since I’m no longer tired. That little nap I had at Zane’s will surely keep me wide awake for hours.
I settle in to watch The Godfather. An old classic is ten times better than a sappy love story, which is the last thing I need right now. I’m almost finished with my gourmet meal when there’s a knock on the door. I’d almost be willing to bet its Nat feeling guilty after missing our lunch together. I pause the movie and pad over to the door. And regret every second when the door swings open.
“You really need to stop running, Lili. The sooner you learn that I’ll never stop chasing you, the better.”
Zane doesn’t wait for an invitation, he just strolls in like nothing happened. His confidence and audacity unnerve me for a beat, until I find my voice. “I can’t do this right now, Zane. Just leave and forget about me because, as I’ve said before, I’m not the one for you.”
His penetrating stare cuts me deep. “You don’t get to say who’s right or wrong for me, Lili. I do. And contrary to what you might think, you are perfect. We’re going to sit down and you’re going to explain to me why you have so little self-worth.”
I’m taken aback by his remark, but I know what I need to do. “I’m in love with another man. There’s no chance for us, Zane.” I quickly bite down on my lip when he scrutinizes me. He’s angry and I’m afraid he’s going to call bullshit any second now.
“If that’s true, why didn’t he escort you to the afterparty instead of Zack? Better yet, why did you spend Thanksgiving with me?” Zane circles me like a predatory shark and when he’s only inches away he whispers, “Why did you sleep with me if you’re so in love with him?”
I fight back the tears as I shove him in the chest and walk around him. I can’t breathe, and the last thing I want to do is cry in front of him. I’m stronger than that. “I’d like you to leave, please.” I wrap my arms around myself like a shield and I don’t know why. Zane isn’t here to hurt me, he’s here to fight for me. God, it’s been so long since someone’s done that. I want to scream when he presses his chest against my back and wraps his arms around mine.
“We might not know each other very well, but what I do know is that you’d never sleep with me if there were another man in the picture. That’s not your style. Talk to me, Lili.”
I’m so tempted to confide in him, but if I cut myself open the armor I’ve donned for so long could easily disintegrate. Leaving my heart wide-open and vulnerable to be hurt again. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust someone that completely ever again.
“I recently told someone that I’m a really good listener, and if you unburden your heart it might be easier for me to do the same. It could be very therapeutic for the both of us.”
Even though I know Zane and I don’t have a future, it might be easier to rip off the bandage if I’m not alone. After all, I knew it was just a temporary fix and it wouldn’t last forever. So, with his strong arms supporting me, there’s no time like the present. “Natalie had this crazy notion that if I just said the words out loud, I could accept it. But I was never brave enough to give it a go. For your sake I must try so you’ll understand why we can never be together. That tonight was a mistake and why you need to move on.” I break free of his grasp, turn around and meet his stare. With a deep breath, I utter the words I’ve been denying for so long now. “Ryder is dead.”
Grief so overwhelming clutches at my heart and steals the very air from my lungs. The pain is just as excruciating as the day I found out about his death. “Ryder was going to be my husband and the father of my children. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. Now his ashes are in an ostentatious urn sitting atop his parents’ mantel.”
“Oh, Lili. I’m so sorry.” When Zane pulls me in for a hug, I get angry. I don’t want his damn pity. But when he whispers, “Closure is the first step to acceptance,” I lose it. In the form of hot, wet tears sliding down my face and soaking into his shirt. He doesn’t say a word, he just holds me tight while I cling to him and weep.
I’m not sure how much time passes before my tears subside. One thing I do know—Zane was my anchor during the impending storm. He rubbed my back, stroked my hair and his compassion was sincere and heartfelt. For that, I am extremely grateful.
“I’ve never met Ryder but I’m sure he’d want you to be happy.” I’m left speechless when his hands suddenly cup my face and urge me to meet his stare. The sadness behind his green orbs is a telltale sign that he’s lived through a hell of his own. “I won’t push you tonight, but when you’re ready to tell me everything, I’ll be waiting. Know this, Lili Avalon. I’m not giving up on you because you are worth fighting for.”
Zane leaves a kiss on my forehead as soft as butterfly wings. Which also makes the little critters take flight in the pit of my stomach. How can I proclaim my love for Ryder when I feel so strongly for Zane? It doesn’t make any sense; it just leaves me more broken and confused. My heart speeds up when his lips come closer. “Nice pajamas, by the way.” I can’t stop from smiling when he chuckles.
Zane broke the spell. From morose to positive.
“In all fairness, I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I changed into something comfy after I showered.” I see the heat in his eyes still lingering from what we did just hours ago. Me on my knees with him impaling me from behind. Ah, I can’t even. Otherwise, it will be rinse and repeat, over and over again.
