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I’m speechless. I have no idea how to recover from this conversation without asking questions. Is that what he wants? For me to stick my hand down his throat and extract every word from his tormented soul? Because it’s obvious that whatever happened between the both of them left him angry and hateful. It’s odd and sad, since he’s the total opposite with me.
I’m jolted forward when Zane abruptly gets up and begins pacing. “Once again, I apologize for being such a dick, Lili.” A cold dread fills the empty space beside me and I wonder why I put myself through this time and time again. Zane is multifaceted, complex, and I know there must be a good reason he acts like such a jerk when discussing his family. But, so help me God, I wish he trusted me enough to tell me what the hell’s going on, so we can just move on.
I don’t say a word as he squats down in front of me and rests his palms on my trembling thighs. The scorching heat from his hands alone sets me on fire and sends my heart skyrocketing. But with his eyes cast downward, he reminds me of a scolded child waiting for his long overdue punishment. Reaching out, I tilt his chin and get lost in the fields of green. There’s so much sadness and pain reflecting back at me that I don’t know what to do. So I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
“I don’t want any secrets left between us when I leave in a few weeks, Zane. Now’s your chance to lay it all out there and I’ll do the same.” Oh god, what the hell was I thinking? It’s too late to take it back now.
I know he’s contemplating how much to divulge when his tongue darts out to moisten his full lips. A telltale sign that he’s about to speak. “I’m afraid if I tell you the reason Zoe packed up her life and ran like the wind, you’d do the same. I’m not willing to take that chance right now. Maybe I’ll have the balls to tell you once our time is up. Then you’ll have a month to process whether you want to be with a man like me.”
I suddenly have the urge to soothe away his anxiety and reduce his skepticism. So I stroke his jawline with my fingertips and glide my hand over his day-old stubble. It’s thick yet soft and yielding to my touch. An intake of breath has his gaze shifting to mine. Zane and I don’t need three magical words to cement our intense connection. And, we don’t need to be touching to feel the chemistry between us. It surrounds us and holds us in its embrace whenever we’re in the same room. Hell, the same planet. I’m convinced that we’ll always feel that constant push and pull no matter where we are.
While I have his undivided attention, I want to assure him that no matter what her reason for running was, I’m not going anywhere. They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case I’d beg to differ.
“I have two sisters,” I tell him, “so I know firsthand how exhausting it can be when you don’t see eye to eye. Or when opinions become arguments, and everything gets blown out of proportion. And I know all too well how words cut like a knife and once there spoken you can’t take them back. They’re like tiny little scars that heal but last a lifetime. Once that happens, the bigger person must initiate the first move. Otherwise, you’ll be missing out on so much that you can never get back. Don’t allow another day to pass without telling her you love her. Life’s too short. You need to squeeze out every last drop.” His reaction isn’t pretty but I’m hoping some of it soaked in.
“There’s so much that you still don’t know, and I know I’m being obtuse about my past. But you’ve been gone for so long… I’ve waited months for you to return and I don’t want to jeopardize that.” He kisses the palm of my hand, abruptly stands up and begins pacing once more. I really don’t know what else I can say or do. At this rate, we’ll never get to know one another on a personal level.
I hold my breath before saying, “One thing you don’t know about me is my real name.” I squeeze my eyes shut, bracing for his response. When I open them again, his penetrating gaze meets mine. I’m ashamed. I should have confided in him sooner.
“Lili’s not your given name…?” I hold up my hand to stop him from saying something stupid.
“Lili’s short for Lilianna. My surname’s really Cavallon, not Avalon. Only a handful of people know me by my real name. I try keeping my private life separate because of the taboo nature of my books. Now, I’ve given you a few bits and pieces about me, I need you to do the same.” Damn tears threaten to fall when he strides over, sits back down and wraps me up in his arms. But I’ll be damned if I let them fall. “You need to trust me, Zane. Otherwise this isn’t going to work,” I whisper.
And that would break my heart.
Since I’m the one who thought he was worth taking the risk.
CHAPTER 20
ZANE
Trust is something that doesn’t come easy for me. Since I’ve been betrayed so many times in the past by my family and so-called friends. And, if I’m being honest, I’ve been on the other end of it, too. Hence, the reason Zoe doesn’t speak to me. But Lili doesn’t know that since I haven’t been able to open up to her. If I don’t trust her enough, then there’s no point in us, is there? I wish I could bury the dread that overpowers me at the thought of letting her in, but she’s everything I ever dreamed of having and she’s right here in this room with me.
“Don’t analyze it, Z. Just tell me. I promise when you do, the extra baggage you’ve been carrying around will fall to the ground and you’ll feel weightless.”
It sounds easy after it rolls off her tongue, but I haven’t let my guard down in so long that I’m not sure I even remember how. And if I do, will Lili leave me like everyone else I’ve ever loved when she finds out about my past? I’m hoping she’ll be the first one to stick around and love me in spite of it.
I take a deep breath, sit back against the cushions and keep my hand linked with hers. Touching her might be the only way I don’t bolt, and it might give me the balls I need to get through this. My heart’s racing and I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I think it’s best if I start from the beginning.
“Back in college Zoe and I hung out with the same crowd. Her best friends were mine and vice versa. It didn’t matter whether they were girls or guys, we just all got along really well. So it wasn’t weird if some of us met up while others went to practice, work or just chilled out.” Fuck, this is going to be so much harder than I anticipated. How can she not judge me after this?
“Don’t stop. Whatever you were going to say can’t be any worse than keeping me in the dark for so long.” I can only hope she feels the same way when everything’s out in the open.
“One night a bunch of us were hanging out at Valerie’s house while we were on Christmas break. She just so happened to be Zoe’s best friend. We were all horsing around, watching movies and eating lots of junk food. Anyway, some left and others like me weren’t in any hurry to get home, so I crashed there for the night. In hindsight, if I could go back in time I would have left with Zoe, but I was a reckless idiot back then.” I can’t sit still with all this nervous energy raging through me, so I hop off the couch and begin pacing back and forth.
I blow out a pent-up breath and run my fingers through my unruly hair. Shameless proof of what just transpired between us a short time ago. There’s no need to beat around the bush, I just need to rip it off like a damn Band-Aid instead of prolonging the agony. “You need to understand that I wasn’t the one who initiated anything, but when it happened I wasn’t thinking about the consequences of my actions.”
“Did you sleep with Zoe’s best friend? Is that why she’s so angry?”
Fuck, I can already see the judgement in her eyes.
“Abso-fucking-lutely, and everything spiraled out of control after that night.” My heart skips a beat but I’m ecstatic when her expression never wavers.
“Well, I can certainly understand why she’d be devastated, but I don’t think it’s a good enough reason to disown her own brother.” And she’d be one-hundred percent right. Sometimes, pretending like something didn’t happen is worse than just telling the truth.
“I didn’t have a very good track record back then, Lili. In fact, I was the kind of guy you didn’t want to bring home to your parents. I was a conceited fool with an ego the size of Texas, and I used that to my advantage. I guess Zoe was right—the only difference between Zane and I is the fact that he gets paid to fuck women and I give it up for free.” I stare at Lili, ashamed. When she doesn’t respond, I quickly say, “I’ll be right back, I need a cig.”
I storm out to the back deck and leave Lili alone with her thoughts. It’s best if I give her some time to process the information before continuing. Cutting myself open and admitting to my own promiscuity is eye-opening and just reminds me of how stupid I was back then. Thank god school came easy for me, since pussy wasn’t on the curriculum.
