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“Aunt Lucy sell to you or?” I stop because I realize this is none of my business.
“She is graciously letting me stay here for as long as I like. I’m paying her what she normally makes rent-wise in a summer, but she hasn’t cashed my check.” We wait at a red light and a light breeze sends the scent of spice and salt. It’s like being transported back in time, catching a whiff of him. God, I’m such a creep.
The light turns green and we cross. I think about how naive and young I was that summer. I really thought I was in love with him and that he loved me too. So stupid.
“How about you?” he asks and when I must look confused, he continues. “Are you here forever or just until you figure out stuff?”
“Hmm, I honestly don’t even know. I need to make some decisions about my life in Westwood. I love it here, but it’s pretty remote, especially in the winter.”
“Seems like you don’t have to make any sudden decisions, so that’s good.”
He’s right, I could just do nothing but be here for the next year and be okay, but there’s been so much change in my life, I need to pack it up and move on to something new and settled. All I have to do is grieve my marriage, mom, and miscarriage and I’ll be golden. We’ve gotten a few offers on our house and I know that’s what Steven wants, but I could give a shit what he wants. Selling would sever my last tie to him though and that would be a good thing. At least all of my things are packed and ready for storage.
Natalie thinks I should let it go so I can let him and my mom go. There are good memories there with the bad, but it’s just a house. I didn’t tell Nat that I lost another baby. I didn’t tell anyone.
After we lost Fiona, Steven didn’t want to try again. I don’t blame him, I was 21 weeks pregnant, we had bought baby furniture, decorated her room and named her. We loved her so much. It was hard to get pregnant, we tried for so long before that stick turned blue. I was sad he didn’t want to try again, but I understood, and then my mom got sick and everything changed.
She wanted to spend all of her time with me, and I indulged her. We traveled, went to see plays, ate at the fanciest restaurants in New York, and did everything she wanted.
Steven said he felt like I wasn’t giving him any time so Mom gave up her ticket to the Bahamas last year so he could go with me. I should have known she was getting worse, there’s no way she would have given up that trip if she felt ok.
We went and it was fine. Steven and I were never really all that passionate, more like best friends who had sex. I see it now, but it’s hard to see clearly when you’re trying to save your marriage of 12 years. We had sex a few times on the trip, not as many times as I was hoping, but it wasn’t the first time Steven had said no to sex. I didn’t think anything of it.
All it takes is one time to get pregnant. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I bled through my pants at a meeting with my agent during a book tour. She drove me to urgent care and even before the doctor told me I knew.
When I got home early, I found Steven’s assistant, Val, sitting in my kitchen in one of his t-shirts, drinking water. He rounded the corner from our bedroom in only a towel and came up behind her to kiss her neck.
I must have gasped because they both looked up at me at the same time. Instead of jumping apart, Steven laced his arms around her.
Val at least had the decency to look ashamed and for this reason I didn’t punch her in the tit like I wanted to.
“So, this is happening?” I posed it as a question but it really was more of a fact. At that point, I felt an emptiness that threatened to take me all the way under. I literally still had the hospital bracelet on but I covered it with my sleeve.
“I’m sorry, Mollie,” is all that Steven said before he walked out of the room, pulling Val along with him. I stood there while they got dressed and then left the house where I thought I was going to be so happy.
“Hey, are you okay?” Owen asks and I realize we’ve been walking for a while and I’ve been quiet.
I stop and face him. “Yeah, just thinking a little too hard about my woes.”
He reaches his hand to my cheek and I almost flinch but realize he’s wiping a tear that I didn’t know was there. Am I crying for Steven? Decidedly not, but I am sorry our marriage didn’t work out. The lost pregnancies are more keenly felt than the loss of my marriage.
“Hate when that happens,” he says and I smile automatically because he’s still funny.
“A lot of sudden decisions were made for me recently, and now I have a few choices that in the big picture are pretty inconsequential but are still necessary.”
“First priority should be taking care of yourself and getting back to a place where you feel at least a little normal. When I first got down here, I felt such a sharp stab of relief that I almost didn’t know what to do with myself.” We head down West St., which runs parallel to the bay and has some beautiful old homes on it. “I’ll admit I was not productive or even functioning much those first few weeks. I drank a lot of whiskey and I slept more than a person should. Dirk somehow heard I was in town so he knocked on my door. When I realized I was in the same clothes I’d been wearing for four days and the house was a mess, I sent him away and told him to come back the next day.”
“Wait, Dirk Greyson from guards?”
“The one and only,” he says with a smile and I smile too, I always liked Dirk. “He came back the next day and I was able to offer him some coffee, a cleaner me, and we talked for hours.”
“Dirk was always a great listener,” I say, remembering a few conversations he and I had about the man walking with me.
“Still is, he helped me work through a few things, made me realize how free I was to make choices and how lucky I was to be able to change my life so drastically.” We pass the playground and a chill comes over me as I remember us making out on the swings a lot.
“Oh man, remember this park?” he asks and winks at me.
“I do,” I say ignoring all the old feelings rising to the surface. “I’m glad you were able to turn things around. Fortunately, my work allows me to be anywhere and I’m hoping to get back to a routine soon.”
