AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Except that it wasn’t really infecting me with anything except the antidote.
It was stripping away the decade of lies and deceit I’d perpetrated on myself. It was tearing away the disguise I’d wrapped myself in.
I didn’t know how to live with this naked, exposed version of me. I knew Zali wouldn’t tell the others. She’d leave it to me to come out, if I ever decided to do that. I shouldn’t have needed her promises to keep our conversation confidential, but in a way, I’d needed the reassurance.
I’d told her the truth—I was tired. I wanted to be free too. I wanted to step into the sunshine and drop all pretences. I didn’t want to lie anymore. I didn’t want to be afraid.
But I didn’t know how.
The easiest route would be to stay hidden. Smooth sailing and all that, but was it really easy? Was there a storm building on the horizon that would drown me when it hit? Some days I was barely able to hold on by the skin of my teeth. Other days I worked out my frustration on the yacht, scrubbing every surface until it was sparkling clean and I was too exhausted to dream of anything, much less the secret desires I’d hidden away.
I’d spent the plane trip home from Monaco going over how we’d come together, me underneath Zali while the others touched her. It was incredible. Something out of a dream. Since then, my dreams had been a series of vignettes. What could it have been like if things were a little different between us? What if I didn’t have this chain around my neck strangling me every time I took a step closer to what I craved?
The possibilities had been endless, but my dream last night was simple. There were no triple-X-rated dreams. Flynn had kissed me, a chaste brush of his lips. Tristan had held me, and Ezra had told me how proud he was of me. That level of neediness was fucked up. But I’d been so scared of letting that part of myself out that it was almost a dream to think anyone could actually love me for it.
I’d slipped out of Zali’s bed and spent the rest of the night pacing.
An early morning swim hadn’t helped. Neither had a shower.
I was pacing again, stuck on how to deal with this. I wanted to shove it back down into the box I’d crammed it in when I was younger, but it’d outgrown the tiny space. It was too big for me to ignore.
Tristan came around the corner, stopping me in my tracks. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his pressed slacks. The collar of his button-down shirt was open, and he had the sleeves rolled up his forearms, exposing the tattoos there. He looked like the bad boy CEO, confident and relaxed, which was ridiculous, considering it was a Saturday.
But the tension lines around his eyes gave him away. He knew my shit was about to hit the fan and dirty up their perfect world. Not that Tristan was arrogant like that. He was worried.
“You okay?” he asked with an air of casualness that was as fake as his relaxed pose.
I wanted to know. I needed to know. But I was terrified of what it meant.
I wanted to touch him, to touch all of them. But I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. I didn’t want to let them down.
Exhaling harshly, the irony of my worry hit me. I didn’t want to let Tristan, Ezra, and Flynn down if I was a disappointing fuck. But twenty-four hours ago, I’d been worried about anyone finding out in case I disappointed my family—Mum, Uncle Kev, Tom, and Chris.
Holy shit, would I have anyone if I screwed this up? Or would they all shun me?
Fuck that. I was going to take this secret to my grave.
“I need to go. I need to get off the yacht,” I responded, pushing past him so I could move aft. I didn’t give him a chance to object or to stop me as I jogged to the ladder. My heart was hammering in my chest, my hands shaking as I raced there. A sheen of sweat coated my body, and my breathing was ragged as my legs nearly gave out, my knees buckling as I reached the couches.
He was there, catching me before I hit the deck. He wrapped his arms around me and hauled me up.
I shook him off and pushed him away. I couldn’t let him touch me. Not now, when the foundation of the walls I’d built had been rocked to their core. Cracks were appearing everywhere, and I needed to shore everything up before I could face any of them—especially Tristan. He was enough like Zali that if he pressed me, I’d start fucking running my mouth.
“Ry, what’s going on? You look like you’re having a nervous breakdown.”
“I probably fucking am.” I huffed, wanting to kick myself. I had no filter around him, absolutely no ability to hold myself back. “I need to go,” I deflected, looking for a way off the yacht.
Where was I planning on going? We were in a bay bordered on three sides by a sand island that was covered in scrubby bushland and very little else except the local wildlife. On the fourth side, there was an outgoing tide moving so fast, I could see the ripples on the surface where it was churning.
Fuck me, I was stuck.
I tried to pull away from him, to head into my stateroom or the wheelhouse, but he grasped my biceps, holding me firmly in place. I struggled against his hold, but it was no use. I had nothing left in the tank. I was a hollowed-out shell, and he was as strong as an ox.
Panic stole over me, my vision spotting and my chest tightening.
He shook me, snapping me back to attention. “You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing. Nothing’s going on.”
