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Then the pain hit me. It sucker-punched me to the gut with the force of a freight train.
My lungs seized and my throat closed over.
My heart shattered in my chest.
Agony radiated from every pore. Every cell in my body recoiled from the sketchpad in front of me. Yet, the jagged pieces of my heart reached out, seeking to bridge the gap over time and space that yawned like a chasm between us.
My beautiful big brother had been ripped away from us, yanked forcibly from our arms. His yearning to return was so clear. This drawing, this memory he’d put onto paper, was a plea to come home. He was begging.
I could see the desperation in every stroke of his lead pencil. I could feel his tears as my own fell from my eyes. I saw them splatter onto the paper as he drew, smudging the pencil strokes.
There was no denying what Asher had drawn. The place was as familiar as my own reflection.
It was where I went when I wanted to be close to Ash, where he wanted to return to.
Jumpinpin.
Lightheaded, I gasped, my breath thready as I inhaled.
The wail that rent the air wasn’t human. It was anguish, misery, and grief. It was powerlessness, regret, and a decade of missing him that came roaring back to life. It was as if I was receiving the news of his death for the first time all over again. The grief that had dulled from a gaping wound in my chest into one that I’d managed to keep discreetly behind a bandage was ripped open again, cleaving my heart and shattering my world.
My legs buckled under me, and my voice broke. Tears streamed down my face. Strong arms surrounded me, lifting me up and cradling me against a warm chest. Ezra carried me to the sofa and sat down, rocking me gently on his lap. My tears soaked through the material of his resort T-shirt within moments.
I didn’t understand what he was saying, but the soft rumble of his voice soothed the jagged edges of my soul. I curled into him, trying to pull him closer, trying to climb back out of my body, away from the agony and into his.
Flynn was there too, his arms surrounding me and his chest pressing into my back. He kissed my shoulder, then my hair. He held me tight, not letting me go as I cried.
I missed Asher. I wanted him back. It was an impossible dream, a reality that I could never have. We’d both been robbed of a future together, and now all I had was a distant memory and his trinkets. Our pasts were forever intertwined, but in this lifetime, our paths would never cross again.
It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want just memories. I didn’t want things he’d touched or made. I wanted him. I wanted my big brother. I wanted him to be there to reach out to pet a cute dog first in case it was vicious. I wanted him to brush my knees off when I fell over after chasing him and Ry. I wanted him to tease me and tickle me until I was breathless from laughter and screaming. I wanted him to put the bait on my hook so I didn’t have to touch the sandworms he’d sucked up from the water’s edge, and I wanted to listen to his laughter. I wanted to see his eyes light up with excitement when he saw something cool. I wanted to hear his voice again and the way it dropped conspiratorially when he had a good idea he wanted to hide from Mum and Dad. I wanted to hide under his doona with him and tell him my secrets.
I wanted to hug him just one more time.
I’d do anything for just one more moment with him to tell him how much I loved him and how much I missed him.
Nineteen
Ryder
Imoved like I was wading through treacle. Getting up off the couch drained everything in me, and shuffling to the doorway took an age. It was as if my body was warning me, sirens and those railway crossing lights flashing at me.
Nothing prepared me for what was laid out on that bed.
Absolutely nothing.
I couldn’t look at it.
I sucked in a breath and looked anywhere but the bed. Tristan was crying, tears streaming down his face as he held out his arms for Zali. She moved slower than I did, her face blank. Utterly devoid of emotion.
I was numb.
I was being sliced open with a thousand knives.
My knees wobbled as my legs threatened to give out from under me.
Ezra’s arms were around me before I knew it. His warmth, his strength seeped into me. But it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t do it.
He tried to guide me down onto the bed, but I resisted.
