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I instantly miss the warmth of her touch and the prickles of heat that radiated from where her skin connected with mine.
The hardness in her gaze begins to dissipate, replaced by something softer. Warmer. Her eyes crease with concern.
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” She swallows. “The things on the app?”
I debate how much to tell her, not wanting to frighten her, but god help me, I’m weak. Ellie’s not only the love of my life but my best friend. I want to confide in her the way I haven’t yet with the others.
“The things I’ve seen…” A shudder works its way through me, and I feel the familiar burn of nausea in my throat, clawing at my skin like talons dipped in acid.
Ellie immediately moves to sit next to me on the couch, one of her hands going to the center of my back to rub soothing circles while the other lands on my knee. She stares at me with nothing but concern as I struggle to get my thoughts in order, trying to speak around the maelstrom of emotion that whips around in my chest.
“I didn’t think such evil people existed in real life,” I whisper at last. “Movies, yes. Books, yes. But in real life?” A bark of dry, humorless laughter escapes me. “I thought the worst monster was my dad slapping me across the face and calling me a faggot. Apparently, there’s more evil out there than I ever could’ve imagined.”
“You shouldn’t have to take all of this on yourself.” Ellie stares at me with eyes the color of a midnight sea, the blue just barely discernible in the darkness. “You should’ve told us. We could’ve helped you.”
“I don’t want any of you to deal with this.” I suddenly feel tired—the type of bone-deep exhaustion that makes your limbs feel like noodles and your head a one-hundred-pound weight. My eyelids start to droop as I struggle to remain upright.
Ellie’s lips purse together as she watches me. “We’re a team. A family. Your pain is our pain. Your struggle is our struggle. You’re not alone, Beckett. Not now. Not ever.” She presses her forehead to my shoulder, and I plant a tender kiss to the crown of her head.
Fuck, I love her.
It’s a love that transcends all natural reasoning and logic. A love that makes you want to jump out of bed every morning, throw open the nearest window, and sing to the rising sun. A love that has your palms slick with sweat and your heart racing just a little bit faster.
A love that you’ll hold on to, no matter the cost.
I don’t know how long we sit there, holding each other, the moonlight casting strange shadows on Ellie’s beautiful face, before she stands and extends a hand to me.
“Let’s go to bed.”
This time, I don’t hesitate to follow her.
I’m surprised to see Zane fast asleep on Ellie’s bed, the blankets strewn around his bare chest and soft snores emitting from him. I wait for jealousy to bombard me, but all I feel is contentment. I’m grateful Zane was with Ellie, looking after her.
She crawls into the center of the bed, and Zane immediately curls around her, pulling her against his chest like she’s a human-sized stuffed teddy bear. I watch her warily, almost timidly, before tugging off my sweater and pants and slipping between the sheets in only my boxers.
Ellie reaches across the mattress to me, and I take her hand, relishing in the contact, in the softness of her hand, in her flowery scent that saturates the air, in her even breathing.
Her face is the last thing I see before sleep pulls me under.
And for the first time in weeks, I don’t have any nightmares.
10
ELLIE
I’m allowed to see Ryker today.
I don’t know how my life has come to this—a series of cans and cannots—but I’m immensely grateful I finally get to see one of the pieces of my heart.
The wasps inside of me hiss and sting as I wait with bated breath for Landon to finish telling me the plan.
We’ll head to my self-defense class as normal, but instead of training with Lilly, we’ll sneak out the back and enter a car my Uncle Raymond will provide. We’ll only be allowed to stay with them for one hour—about the same time as my class—before we’ll have to separate.
The Divine One has eyes and ears everywhere. We’re taking a huge risk just by doing this in the first place.
But I can’t be without Ryker for even a second longer. Each day that passes is a dagger to my heart. Only, this dagger is on fire, and it keeps stabbing me repeatedly, never relenting, never stopping, content to make me bleed.
Landon and I are both silent as he drives us to the gym. I can tell he wants to ask me something—his metallic eyes repeatedly flick in my direction—but his lips remain pressed into a firm, unrelenting line.
