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“Okay. I feel a lot better after getting some sleep.”
“Good. Are you hungry?”
I sit down next to him. “I’ll eat in a little bit.”
Sitting with my mom during her final days, when she was clinging to life but never awake, I had a lot of time to think about what happened with me and Ben. It surprised me that I thought so little about what happened with me Owen, even though we were together for ten years. He cut the tie between us and my heart instinctively knows it can never be repaired. My week with Ben, though, was on my mind constantly.
“I’m sorry for the way I reacted to finding out how you feel about me...or for how long, I guess. When I put myself in your shoes, I understand why you kept it to yourself.”
“You wouldn’t have let me help you if you’d known.”
I nod, wanting to throw myself into his arms. “You’re right. And as much as I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and choose you instead of him...it’s not possible. Isn’t that what we all wish for? That we could make our past choices better with the wisdom we’ve gained?”
“Yeah. I wish 15-year-old me would’ve had the balls to tell you how I felt. Even if you shot me down.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
He cringes. “Don’t tell me that, Stella.”
I lock eyes with him, amazed at how two men who are identical can look so different to me. In Ben’s eyes, I see earnestness. Longing. A pull to do what’s right, even if it hurts.
Even with all the time I’ve had to think about this conversation, I’m still not exactly sure how to ask him the question that’s been plaguing me for three weeks now. “Will you—I mean, can we...start over?”
He looks down at his lap, and a nervous knot forms in my stomach. He’s had three weeks to think about things, too, and he may not want to try a relationship with me again.
With a deep breath, he gets up and moves over to the middle of the couch so he’s sitting next to me. “I’ve been in love with you for so long, Stel. That’s not going to change. I’ve tried to be with other women because you were off limits, but...I can’t. And as much as I want to continue what we started in Maui, the timing’s not right. You’ve been in a relationship for ten years. You’ve only been with him.” He takes my hand. “Every time I imagine myself asking you to be with me, I realize it’s not a fair thing to ask.”
I furrow my brow, confused. “You don’t get to decide that. I do.”
He smooths his thumb over my knuckles. “It may not make sense to you, but I don’t want you to choose me over Owen. I want you to choose me over everything. Over other men who haven’t cheated on you. Over being single.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “But I do choose you. I could date someone else or not date anyone, but I want to be with you.”
He turns away, his expression anguished. “You don’t know what it’s like to be alone or with anyone besides Owen. You were still in college when your mom was first diagnosed with cancer, and your decisions have been shaped by that. You stayed her to take care of her.”
“Because I wanted to,” I say, pulling my hand from his.
“Hey.” He gently cups my cheek and turns my face toward him. “Take some time to grieve your mom. Ask yourself the questions you couldn’t before. Where do you want to live? Not because Owen has a job there or your mom needs you to take care of her. What do you want to do?”
I bury my face in my hands, unable to fight the tears anymore. “I have no idea. I never thought about what comes after my mom dies, because it hurt too much.”
He puts an arm around me. “I know, baby. You’ve just been surviving for a long time, holding in all your needs and feelings. But you’re stronger than you think. Don’t fall into my arms because it’s easy. Stand on your own and decide what you want.”
I take a deep breath in and out, and then another. Crying isn’t going to change this. I know what’s coming, and it’s just another blow on top of losing my mom.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
Ben takes a few seconds to respond. “Yeah. I committed to some team stuff that I can’t get out of. And I really think you need time to yourself. But I’m always a phone call away.”
A phone call. I was hoping he’d stay and spend more of his offseason here. With me.
But it’s not meant to be. I stand up, facing away from him.
