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I can’t take you haunting me anymore. I’ve been weak not asking you to leave. I was willing to take any piece of you that was left for me, even if I could never hold you again, or feel you come against me whimpering into my shoulder.
Did you know I almost drowned her in the lake? I tried to make it about some ridiculous trust game, but every time I pushed her under the water, I thought about it. Because for a split second, I wanted her on the Other Side with you so you two could fight it out and whoever won would be mine. And then I wouldn’t have this split loyalty and all this guilt and shame.
She looked at me like I was motherfucking crazy after that. And she’s right. I am. I’ve lost my goddamned mind.
But in the end I couldn’t do it. I could never kill something that looks so much like you.
This thing with Ronnie… it was just… a kink. A distraction. Just something to fill time. Just… a felony, really. You’ve driven me completely mad not letting me go. Or maybe it’s me not letting you go. I’ve written to you faithfully every week since you died, but this has to be the last letter, Trish. I think I’m starting to feel something for her—something separate from just a stand-in for you. And it eats me up inside to acknowledge that. I feel like I don’t deserve it. To be happy. To love again or be loved. I realized it when I was so disappointed that Ronnie doesn’t look like herself anymore.
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I just can’t be alone anymore. And I know she’s been here for awhile, but still I’ve been alone. I’ve stayed faithful to you in my heart—never giving her too much emotionally, never letting her get too close, but… she’s stealing bits of me. And she’s alone, too. And I just don’t think that’s fair for either of us. When I’m with her I feel like I’m cheating on you, but when I’m holed up in here writing to you, I feel like I’m cheating on her.
You know I will always love you, but this has to be goodbye.
Luke
* * *
I foldup the letter and seal it in the envelope. I start to put it in the safe with the others, but if I do that, I’m just holding on after I’ve finally said goodbye. So I gather up all the letters and put them in a duffle bag. When night comes... after Ronnie is asleep, I light a big bonfire outside and throw the letters in one by one. The fire crackles and pops and hisses as it accepts each offering. When the final letter—the one I wrote today—is tossed on the fire, I feel her leave me with the smoke rising up off the flames. And I am finally truly standing out here alone without her.
I crumple to the dirt and sob, wishing I could pull her back, that I could somehow unburn the letters. But I have to close this chapter, say goodbye to old ghosts and live. With Ronnie.
I don’t have the strength to go back inside that house right now. I’m afraid of what it will feel like now with Trish completely gone, released from my soul and this house and this land. I lay on my back and look up at the sky and endless stars, at the big full moon glowing brighter than I ever remember it.
I don’t hear Ronnie’s approach, but then suddenly she’s lying on the grass beside me, and we’re both looking up at this great big sky together. Our hands somehow join, our fingers threading together. I’ve told myself a thousand times while committing this string of felonies against this woman, that I was rescuing her, saving her, solving her life because she clearly can’t solve it for herself. But maybe she’s the hero of this story in the end. Maybe she’s the one who saved me.
I just hope I don’t fuck it up this time.
* * *
