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I quickly did as he ordered and then Deck pushed the shower curtain aside and went under the warm spray. I stood staring, my insides feeling like they were being torn out of me, stomped on, then shoved back inside greased with wreckage.
Deck propped Ream up against the back wall then directed the spray on him. He glanced at me. “Now will you make coffee?”
I stared, tears streaming down my face, praying Ream would open his eyes, that I’d hear his voice. He just looked so … not Ream. As if he’d been drained of his strength and all that was left was a shell of a body.
I looked at Deck again, soaking wet, his olive green cargo pants now dark green, his face dripping with water. I finally nodded and left the bathroom, my nerves spiking to a whole other level of screwed-up. I swallowed back the tears, trying to fit the key back in and lock the emotions away again, but it wouldn’t fit. I dropped the coffee can into the sink and brown granules spilled out all over the place. With trembling hands, I filled the coffee maker with water and put a filter in and cleaned up the granules.
There were empty bottles all over the place. No dishes, which meant he hadn’t been eating. As I turned the coffee maker on I realized the state of the cottage: overturned couch, coffee table smashed, the game board … Oh God, it was torn into pieces with the money thrown all over the place.
I couldn’t take it all in. If I did, I’d fall apart. I knew Ream had issues. He told me he was fucked up, but I thought it stemmed from his twin sister. It was way more than that. He prostituted himself for money. Why? What pushed him to do that?
Why would he cheat on me if he knew it would end us? Why put himself in that position? Ream thought about everything before he did anything. He’d had to have thought of the consequences if I’d found out. Could he have been so drunk that he had no clue what he was doing? Was I trying desperately to find any excuse for something that was inexcusable?
I sank down onto the floor, knees up to my chest, arms wrapped around them, as fresh tears stained my cheeks. It felt weird crying, like I was that little girl again, all alone and scared. I hated the feeling, I hated that Ream made me feel like this again and brought me to this point of emotional agony.
I cried so hard it hurt my chest; my throat became raw and gritty. I don’t know how long I sat there before I heard the shower turn off. I climbed to my feet and walked back into the bathroom.
I stopped at the door, hands gripping one side of it for support as I saw Ream standing there, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hands holding either side of his head. Yeah, I was guessing it hurt like hell.
Deck grabbed a towel off the rack and then without a word strode out. I heard the front door open and shut.
“Why are you here?” Well, those weren’t the first words I expected out of Ream’s mouth after we last saw one another. He looked down. “Why did you come, Kat?”
I had no qualms about telling the truth. “Deck made me.”
He turned away, resting his hands on the lip of the sink, shoulders slumped, and everything in him read defeat. It didn’t suit him. Seeing him this way, the man who never gave up on us, who brought me here to win me back, who sat with me at the hospital, who swore to love me no matter what happened with my disease.
I never expected to be standing here looking at him and wondering who he was. Who was this man I fell in love with. A man I couldn’t forgive for what he did. I wanted to, God, I wanted to run into his arms and have him hold me and take away all the pain I was feeling. I wanted Deck to be right and the truth wasn’t what I saw.
“Why did you do it, Ream?”
He was silent for a long time, not looking at me, head bowed, hands clenching the sink. When he raised his head it was to meet my eyes in the reflection of the mirror.
“Guess I fell back into old habits. Sex is meaningless to me. I told you that.”
Thank God I was holding the doorway for support because I would’ve fallen. His words stabbed right through me. Not because they hurt me, but because I heard the coldness in his voice. There was shame, indignity, pain. I saw it all staring back at me in the mirror. It’s what he thought of himself.
“Not with us.” I knew it wasn’t. It meant something to both of us, and he could stand there and say sex meant nothing to him, but I’d never believe it was nothing when we were together. He’d told me that it was meaningless until me.
He turned and then walked past me into the bedroom. I heard the rustle of clothing. By the time I was brave enough to turn around, Ream was dressed and leaning up against the dresser. He looked like he was waiting for me to either say something or get out. I did neither.
“Go home, Kat.”
I shook my head. I didn’t know why, but I needed more. This wasn’t just us breaking up because he cheated on me. Ream was a different person. He was cold and unfeeling. When he looked at me, it was right through me. There was more to this.
“If you’re waiting for answers about why I did it, well, you’re not getting them because I don’t even fuckin’ know what happened.” He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter anyway. We’re better apart.”
“Ream.”
He kicked a glass bottle and it slid under the bed. “When I told you I didn’t deserve you, I meant it.”
