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“That’s not it; you focused on your career and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Yeah, but why did I make that choice? Was it because he made me lose trust in lasting romantic relationships and doubt happily-ever-afters existed?”
Blake frowns at me all of a sudden. “Okay, I’m missing a step here. Why are we discussing your ex now?”
“Ah!” I let out a maniacal laugh. “That’s the best part.” I grab one of the paper bags and fish out a glazed donut, taking a humongous bite out of it. Between chews, I tell Blake what happened at the clinic.
“You mean he had to… up there?”
“Yep!” I confirm.
Blake covers her face with her hands. “Oh my gosh, I’m dying for you.”
“I know.”
“And you’re still going to the same clinic?”
“I don’t have a choice, but at least he signed a form stating he can’t be my doctor in the future. He won’t be examining me again. I’ll just have to avoid bumping into him in the halls.”
“That’s something.”
“He has a daughter,” I blurt out.
Blake’s eyes widen. “Was she at the clinic, too?”
“No, I grilled my sister for intel after I left.” I tell her the rest. “And that’s why he’s back in New York. He was living in California before, three blissful time zones away.”
I finish my donut, and since I’ve had enough chocolate, I ask Blake if I can eat her donut, too.
“Sure,” she says. “How do you feel about the fact that he was married?”
“Like crap. Not only because he ruined relationships for me forever, but he had no trouble moving on and getting a family. I hate him.”
“Why do you say he ruined relationships for you?”
I drop my head, taking a truthful look inside me, then stare back up at Blake. “Half the men I dated in college and afterward were douchebags, real pieces of work.”
Blake squeezes my thigh encouragingly. “And the other half?”
“It was probably a lower fraction, but a fourth or fifth of them could’ve been good, if I’d ever let them in. If I hadn’t been so guarded, so unreachable. I used my career as my fortress to prevent my heart from ever being broken again. Some of my exes left because they were insecure jerks. But the others, I drove them away, prevented them from ever getting too close where they could’ve done some real damage, until they tired of being kept at arm’s length and had no other choice but to leave as well.”
“I’m sorry. I genuinely thought you didn’t care about relationships that much.”
I shake my head. “It’s always been a defense mechanism. All because of John.”
His adult face, sexy with the stubble and the doctor scrubs, pops into my head, and I feel a little suffocated. I undo the first button of my blouse.
Blake studies me for a second. “Is he still attractive, by any chance?”
“That’s completely irrelevant.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Why?”
“When I saw Justin at the conference for the first time in years, he was as handsome as always. But as he stood in front of me, all I felt was disgust. Is that how the doctor made you feel, repelled?”
I wish I could say yes. Instead, my entire face heats.
