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“How?”
“Because right now, all I want to do is sneak out the window and come rip that hoodie off you.”
“Err…” He coughs. “Well, yeah, same here. That pink tracksuit is totally sexy. But I get what you’re saying, and it’s what I want, too.”
“Can you recap it for me because I’m not even sure I understand what I want?”
“You want a love that never ends. That’s beyond time, space, or physical attraction. You want to grow old with someone you can love even with their quirks. You want a love big enough to hold the ugly and the beautiful. You want to be with a man who will always be there, always love you the way you love them.” Each word is like a knife twisting deeper into my chest. “And I know I haven’t been that safe harbor for you in the past, but I swear Marissa, I am that man now. I’ll be everything you’ve ever wanted and more. I tried life without you and really did not like it. I don’t care how long I have to wait, you’re worth every second.”
41
JOHN
She’s still looking at me, scared and confused and as if she’d rather be facing down a firing squad than looking into my eyes. I can read the conflict in her gaze, the want to give in to the attraction battling the preservation instincts that still hold her back. Her emotions boil and rise to the surface, but winning above all others is the fear on her face. The irrational, misplaced dread that I’m not here to stay.
Beyond that fear, I can see so much more: the uncertainty, the hesitancy, the doubt, but also the longing. And that gives me hope.
She wants to say yes, I can see it in her eyes, she wants to believe in me more than in anything, but she can’t bring herself to just yet, and I can’t really blame her.
I know she’s not ready, and I’m not going to force her.
To break the tension, I say, “Time for my last sign.”
“Oh?” she asks, surely wondering what other bomb I’m going to drop on her.
“Don’t worry,” I say, “this one’s easy.”
I lift the last sign that only says:
Goodnight
Finally, she smiles. “Yeah, that was definitely less dramatic than the others.”
“Yeah,” I say back. “This one, I nailed.”
She laughs, shaking her head at me. “Goodnight,” she says softly into the phone. “See you tomorrow.”
As we hang up, Marissa touches her fingertips to her lips and then presses her fingers on the window. I grab the kiss and bring it to my heart. Then her light goes dark.
The next morning, the sky is clear and blue, with no clouds in sight. But gosh, if it isn’t the coldest day. I pull my coat closer to my body as I walk down the street to my sister’s house.
When I get there, the girls have slept in, like always, so I have a second breakfast with Katy’s family, trying to avoid my sister’s inquisitive stares. She looks about ready to grill me, but I have no answers to give. It’s all up to Marissa and, after last night, I’m really not sure where I stand.
On the way home, Nora decides she’d rather not walk, so I carry her on my shoulders all the way. The habit was easier when she was a three-year-old.
As I’m re-heating leftovers from yesterday for lunch, Nora perches on the kitchen island, drawing rainbow unicorns with her glitter markers.
I set the timer on the microwave and lean my elbows on the island next to her drawing. “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday.”
“Yeah, Marissa’s dad was really angry you got her pregnant.”
“No, that’s been sorted.” Hopefully, I add silently in my head. “I wanted to see how you felt.”
Nora drops her glitter marker and stares at me. “I’m happy, Daddy, really. I can’t wait to become the best big sister in the world.”
“You don’t have questions or doubts?”
Nora considers for a second. “Leslie says you’re going to love me less when the new baby arrives, that all the attention is going to go to the baby and that I’m going to become a second-class citizen.”
