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“What did you want to talk about?” I ask, my voice trembling slightly.
“Did you eat already?” he asks, deflecting.
“Yeah, I still had some of that leftover pasta from last night. Why the long face?” I try to keep my tone casual.
John takes a deep breath and looks at me. The intensity in his gaze makes my heart race.
“It’s about Christmas.”
Oh. Definitely not what I was expecting. We have agreed it’d be best not to have our families joined for the big meal on Christmas Day to avoid more questioning and awkwardness. Being neighbors, we’re probably going to end up sharing desserts like on Thanksgiving. But a meet-up at the end of the day would be more bearable for me without having everyone look at me like the weirdo who doesn’t want a real family for an entire afternoon.
But maybe John has changed his mind and wants to do it together after all.
“What about Christmas?”
He gives me a tense smile. “Nora’s mother will be back in the country. She’s asked to spend it with us.”
I note the us at the end of the sentence and acid rises in my throat. I hope my face isn’t ticking or contracting in weird ways as I say, “So she’s going to come over to your house with the rest of your family?”
Grimace. “No, I thought it’d be best if it were just the three of us.”
Just the three of us… his family. The words land between us like a bombshell, and I feel every piece of shrapnel jabbing into my heart.
“My mom and sister aren’t Sierra’s biggest fans and I don’t want it to be awkward for her.”
The woman has upped and left, abandoned him and their child, and he’s still trying to protect her. I know he said they got married only because she was pregnant. He implied they never really loved each other. But maybe I was wrong, maybe I only heard what I wanted to hear.
“Do you still love her?” I blurt.
John’s eyes widen. “What? No. Absolutely not. I love you. I’m in love with you.” He grabs both my hands and rubs his thumbs over my knuckles in soothing gestures. “But Sierra is Nora’s mother. And I want them to have as healthy a relationship as possible. Plus, she’s only going to be in New York for a couple of weeks for winter break while the filming of her show is paused.”
“Okay. But… we never talked about your divorce… and… I don’t know, are you sure there’s nothing left there?”
John gives me all the facts: the failed IUD, unplanned pregnancy, and shotgun wedding. He talks about a loveless marriage, about the years of reciprocal resentment brooding between him and his wife until she left. He’s saying all the right things, giving me all the right reassurances, and still, I can’t help but withdraw within myself a little further.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I just needed to hear you say it.”
John’s hold on my hands tightens as he leans in closer to me. “I understand. Just please believe me when I say that Sierra is completely out of the picture for me, romantically.”
I nod slowly, still feeling a sense of unease in the pit of my stomach. “Does she know about us? I mean, about the baby?”
“No, I want to tell her in person. Another reason why it’s best if we’re alone on Christmas.”
I nod. He’s making all rational, sensible points, but I can’t help feeling as if I’m being left out.
“But enough about Christmas,” John says, changing the subject. “How are you feeling? Any nausea today?”
I shake my head and try to squish a pang of jealousy toward Sierra, even though I know it’s irrational.
We avoid the topic of his ex for the rest of the evening until he goes home just a little past eleven.
The moment he leaves, I go on an internet stalking mad spree. Unfortunately, Google is very forthcoming when it comes to one of the leading actresses for the most anticipated fantasy TV show of next year.
John’s ex-wife is beautiful. Both dressed as an elven princess and as a fresh-faced cover model for various magazines.
A relationship with John would mean taking onto myself and the baby all that baggage, and while I have no problem welcoming Nora into my life—in fact, I already adore her and consider her part of the family as my baby’s older sister, I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with a bitter ex-wife.
Is she coming back because she wants to see her daughter at Christmas or is she really after John?
