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I took a deep breath and when I exhaled, my chest quivered. The memories I’d compartmentalized in parts of my mind, where I’d locked them up, had escaped. But there was always a trigger. A key that could open up the compartments and set them free. Maybe it was time I gave the key to someone.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Wherever you can, baby.” He lay on his side, his head on his arm above me, fingers gently caressing my hair.
I swallowed. “I don’t want to lose you. Or my brother. He’s suffered so much. I can’t do that to him again.”
“Haven. You’ll never lose him—ever. Your brother loves you more than anything.”
“But when he hears—”
“Shsh.” He kissed the top of my head like he always did. “No matter what happened or what happens, he will never stop loving you. And yeah, it’s going to hurt him, but it’s not your fault. You have to get that out of your head. I see the guilt in your eyes right now.”
“I didn’t fight Gerard.”
He stiffened against me and his voice took on a harder tone. “Ream, told us last night about him. About the drugs. The rape. It wasn’t your fault, baby. Jesus. You’re here. You’re alive and you survived. That’s fighting.”
I had no words. He knew about Gerard and the drugs. When I was at my weakest, scared and lost. “He killed him for me.”
“Yeah, he told us that, too. Gerard deserved it.”
He waited. I waited. And then I opened my hand and gave him my pieces. “The gun . . . I carry it because it ended the nightmare. It’s what I used to kill Alexa and—” I stopped, thinking about it, trying to put my thoughts together. “It’s my safety. My truth of what I did and what I’m capable of. It’s a reminder of who I’ve become. A symbol I guess.”
“Who do you think you’ve become?”
I didn’t know. Not in words. I’d killed. I didn’t let anyone in. I was cold. I hid behind a wall. But I did things, things I hated. “I don’t know.”
His rhythmic touch on my head calmed me and I closed my eyes as I spoke. “Alexa . . . in some fucked-up way I was her connection to Ream. She was obsessed with him when we were kids. Then when he was gone, it was like she took it out on me, but tried to love me at the same time. Just a wrong kind of love.” I took a few deep breaths before I told him about the cage she used to put me in. I felt him stiffen and he swore beneath his breath. “Alexa told Olaf I was the one who killed Gerard so he wouldn’t go after Ream and kill him.”
“He wouldn’t kill you?”
“No. I was money to him. Ream was dangerous being with us as he got older.”
“Too protective.”
I nodded. “Olaf knew it was Ream all along. There was no chance I could’ve lifted that statue. But it was easier for him to let Ream live knowing he had something over me while Ream thought I was dead.”
“He’d go after Ream.”
I nodded. “So, I didn’t fight Olaf. I survived.”
“Jesus, baby.” He closed his eyes a second and I saw the pain in his expression. “He’s gone. Deck’s men killed him.”
I nodded. “Yeah. But they needed information out of him first.” Crisis’s hand stilled on my hair. “About a club.”
He leaned toward me and pressed a light kiss on my forehead.
“Vic found it and called me. That’s when I went running for three hours and Luke called you.” I inhaled a quivering breath. “Every Saturday night, I was blindfolded and taken there. There were other girls at the club, but I never spoke to them, wasn’t allowed to. I was put in a room alone.” I swallowed as my throat tightened. “I danced. Stripped. And after . . . I was taken back to my room and waited. They’d . . . the men would bid on the girls at the end of the night.”
I know he was trying to stay calm and relaxed, but Crisis tensed around me and his heart rate picked up. But I had to keep going. He needed everything and I was beginning to realize this was for me, not him.
“Highest bidder got us for an hour. Olaf told me I always went for the most. I was known as an exclusive, meaning Saturday nights only. It drew higher bids plus . . . the men got to know I fought. I always fought when I had the chance. I couldn’t help myself. No matter how long it happened, I couldn’t stop.”
“Oh, fuck, baby. No.”
“After the first couple months, I got a reprieve from the club because . . . because I was pregnant.” Crisis’ fingers didn’t even flinch as he continued to play with my hair and I was thankful for his steady reaction. “It was Gerard’s. He’s the only one I’d ever been with before Olaf put me on birth control pills. And the timing was right.”
I closed my eyes and dragged in a shaky breath. A tear escaped the confines of my eyelid and trailed a path down my cheek. Crisis tilted his head and kissed it before it fell from the cusp of my jaw.
“God, I didn’t even know I was pregnant until four months along. And when I was sick, I thought it was due to the drugs. All I cared about at the time was my next fix, so I could disappear.
“Olaf locked me up in a room when the doctor confirmed my pregnancy. And that was . . . well, getting off heroine was the second worst experience in my life. Withdrawal hit and it was all I could do to get out of bed. I vomited and shook. My legs and stomach cramped so badly I cried, but the sound of my sobs was worse. Any noise amplified like loud speakers blaring in my head.
