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He put his forehead against hers and squeezed his eyes shut, simply focusing on breathing deeply in and out.
Her words ignited an inferno within him, stirring long-banked embers to roaring life. Shaking him to the core.
Was this a dream or a nightmare that he lived?
She offered him her body, that was clear. Her passion and admiration. Respect and care.
It should be enough, Shai knew. In their world, with their positions, these secret longings and furtive touches would be all they could aspire to.
She said he was the only one apart from an awful duty she had to fulfill.
He believed her.
She was right. She did not deserve his spite and bitterness.
And yet…
It would kill him to love her with his whole self these thirty days, if that was what she intended. He did not know how else to love. How else to be. How else to give. It was all or nothing for him. Always had been.
He dared not hope for more, for there was no telling what the return voyage would entail. After all, he was sending her into the arms of a man who had the right to claim her publicly. To bed her privately. To dote on her and shower her with affection if he so chooses.
The way Shai never could.
He had guarded his heart so closely these many years that he was surprised it still bled, rather than hardened into neglected stone. He was torn between protecting himself from the anguish he knew would wreck him like a mortal wound that festered with time, and giving her everything she desired as he was built to do.
So many years…
So much longing…
The last time they came together he’d fractured inside. Wanting but never receiving. Wishing for an impossible dream.
And yet…
He was made for her. He knew it in the very essence of who he was. There never was another for him, and there never would be.
A strange calmness settled over him as he breathed her breath, heads together, hearts beating as one.
If this was the only chance he had to love her, to truly and freely love her, then so be it. He would grab onto it with both hands.
“Aye,” he finally husked.
And took a step back, their bodies no longer touching.
He let her go.
She stared unblinkingly back at him, her expression arrested between disbelief and wonder, fear and exhilaration.
As if she couldn’t believe what he said. As if she was dreaming too.
He reached out to touch a baby-fine tuft of hair beside her ear in a barely-there caress and forced himself to smile a lighthearted smile.
He did not know if he was successful in his endeavor, for he almost never smiled. He couldn’t recall the last time he did. Perhaps only when he was training Thutmose in martial arts.
But even if it killed him, he would smile for her.
He would hide the anguish in his heart, bury it deep within his soul, where the darkness might never cast its shadow upon her.
“Tonight, little cat. I will come to you then.”
