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The blurry figure that looked a lot like Jasper said, “Come on. I’ll drive you home.”
I felt him take my elbow and let him lead me to his car parked at the curb. “Why would you do that?” I asked, out of curiosity more than anything.
He sighed, helping to guide me into the passenger seat. “We were friends once, weren’t we?”
“Friends. Right,” I snorted. “Does your boyfriend know you’re taking me home?” It came out snidely, but he didn’t take the bait.
In the time it took him to walk around to the driver’s side, I drifted off to sleep for a second, surrounded by his familiar scent, like paper and ink and hazelnut coffee. I jolted back to alertness a few seconds later when he opened his door and climbed in. In a brief moment of clarity, I gaped at him. He was so damn beautiful. “Jasper? I’ve missed you.” I hadn’t meant to be so honest.
He gripped the steering wheel hard, refusing to look at me, then put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb. “What’s your address?” he asked like I hadn’t said anything.
I told him where I lived, then sat back and watched him. He was still the same man, though I could feel the changes. He was no longer so fresh-faced and eager, confident in his choices. He was weary, his shoulders bunched up. When I thought about rubbing his back to help ease that tension, I had to remind myself that he was taken. That he belonged to someone else. Someone else got to give him back rubs, got to kiss him, touch him, and make him gasp. Got to dry his tears, sleep next to him, take care of him.
“I heard you that day, you know,” he said, like he was starting a story halfway through. “You’d texted me to tell me you’d passed your exams. I was so proud of you.” He laughed softly, and I could’ve sworn his eyes shone with tears. “I was looking forward to celebrating with you, but then I found you out by the football field with your friends.”
Dread sank into me like a cold stone in my stomach. A memory resurfacing… “No,” I said firmly, as if I could rewrite history.
Jasper nodded. “Laughing about what a loser I was for thirsting after you, thinking I had a chance.”
“Nooo,” I moaned, gripping my hair and pulling until I felt the sting, hoping it would sober me up. All these years I’d been searching for him, and not once had I considered why he didn’t want to be found. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was an idiot. You weren’t supposed to hear that.”
“Obviously.” He nodded, but it didn’t look like he cared about my excuses. Instead, his lips thinned out into a hard time. “I was so damn hurt. What a loser I was to think I’d meant something to you. That was why I didn’t tell you when I found out I was pregnant.”
“I—I just—what?” The words took a second to sink in, and even then, I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly. “Pregnant?” The world around me was spinning, and I closed my eyes, trying to find center.
“I should’ve waited until you were sober to do this.” I opened my eyes and looked across the car at him. He shook his head. He still hadn’t even glanced at me. Why wouldn’t he look at me?
My breath came out as a gasp through my tightening throat. “Did you… the baby… you had them?” Was that the right question to ask? The thought that he might’ve had an abortion without telling me, that I could’ve become a father just to lose them, nearly broke me.
Jasper finally peeked at me, taking a measure of my reaction. “Yes. His name is Cameron.”
“Cameron… I have a son?” My heart soared, even as the rage ignited, both extremes dulled by the alcohol. Jasper’s expression was guarded as he waited to see what emotion came out on top.
It was all too much, the thoughts and emotions swirling around in my hazy mind. I needed to get out of this car, needed to pace. Thoughts were bouncing around inside my head, and they were all too slippery for me to keep hold of anything coherent. “Y-you kept my son from me?” I gritted out. But could I blame him? He thought I’d used him, that I’d treated him like shit, like he was nothing more than the punchline of a joke. Gods, why the fuck did I say all that bullshit? I didn’t feel that way at all! Why did I ever care what those guys thought? All this time, I could’ve been with the man I loved, as a family, with our son!
But then I thought of that jackass tonight with his arm around Jasper, talking about my child,theirchild, and instead of all the things I should’ve said, I blurted, “How do you know he’s even mine?” I regretted the words as soon as it was too late to take them back.
Jasper’s face crumpled, and the tears he’d been holding off spilled over. He dashed them away with the back of his hand. “There was never anyone but you, but if you can’t take my word for it, you’re entitled to a paternity test.”
My heart ached. I’d caused him so many tears, too many. “No, that’s not necessary. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” I said. It seemed I had a bad habit of saying things I didn’t mean. None of my apologies meant anything if I never tried to do better.
I turned to look out the window and saw I was almost home. The houses in this neighborhood were all two-story manors, with too-green grass cut exactly two inches high. The windows were all dark. What time was it?
Jasper pulled the car into my driveway but left the engine running. His tears had slowed, but I hated how broken he looked. This was what ten years of regret looked like. We’d both made mistakes, but maybe it wasn’t too late to set things right.
With my hand on the door handle, I said, “I’d like to meet him. If that’s all right.”
“Of course.” After a second, he leaned across to open the glove compartment, and I was hit with a fresh wave of his scent. The longing I’d always felt for him had intensified, and I nearly reached out to draw him into my arms. He pulled out a pen and took my hand, writing on the back of it. The contact sent a jolt through me, straight up my arm, all the way to my heart. My pulse picked up.
“Here, this is my number. Call me tomorrow or… whenever.” He paused, his small hand, long, slender fingers so delicate in my thick, calloused grip. “I don’t want your money, you know,” he whispered. “That’s not why I’m telling you.”
“I know.” And I did. I had no doubt in the man he was. Even a decade later, I knew he was still kind-hearted and virtuous. I reluctantly withdrew my hand from his, already missing his heat. I had so many questions, but now wasn’t the time. I needed to sober the hell up. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I said. “Just promise me you’ll pick up this time.”
He smiled sadly. “I promise.”
5
Jasper
