AllFreeNovel
Share Us
* * *
Blaze
I showup at the park near Samantha’s with a My Little Pony and a stuffed rainbow unicorn under my arm. It’s Lily’s birthday. I couldn’t possibly forget because the last time I watched her, she chatted about it non-stop. Turning four years old is a pretty exciting time.
I didn’t think twice about coming, but now that I’m here, I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing. Lily’s not my kid. She felt like my kid at one time. I saw her birth, I changed her diapers in the middle of the night, picked her up from daycare, watched her on my days off. Even now, Samantha still dumps her on me anytime she needs a sitter. Even though she doesn’t deserve my help, I always do it because I freaking love her kid. I mean, I wanted to adopt her as my own when we were together.
Maybe it’s because I just had Lia in my bed, but I suddenly question why Samantha and Lily are still in my life.
As a dozen princesses screech and race around the park, I stand there like a tool. Samantha ignores me from where she’s chatting up the other moms. Lily’s dad is nowhere to be seen, but that’s not surprising. The guy’s less than engaged with his daughter.
Maybe that’s why I keep sticking around. I feel bad for Lily and the stupid choices her mother makes.
But no.
I don’t wish I was still with Samantha and Lily. Not at all. In fact, I’m really fucking glad I’m not still carrying their weight. It was a whole lot of effort and responsibility without any thanks.
From Samantha.
Lily’s always generous with preschooler hugs. She sees me now and comes racing over, throwing herself into the air. I catch her and swing her around, planting a kiss on her cheek.
“Hi, Mac,” she says, using the name Samantha calls me by.
Samantha walks over and I set Lily down to run back to her friends.
“Hey. Can you go up to my apartment and carry the coolers down? They’re super heavy.” No hi. No please. Just another request.
This is nothing new and yet I’m seeing it through different eyes. I try to picture this scene with Lia instead of Samantha. Like if Lia and I had a kid together.
Whoa. That thought sends billows of warmth crowding out my chest.
Lia wouldn’t be giving me orders. First of all, she’d be pulling her own weight because she’s a hard-worker and doesn’t shrink from shit jobs. But second of all, she’s sweet and grateful. She lets me lead. She says thank you and sorry.
I turn and walk toward the apartment.
“You have a key?” Samantha calls. “Oh yeah, you do, right?” Yeah, I do. Because of all the times I’ve brought Lily home here and stayed with her after I put her to bed. Or when I had to stop by and pick up shit she was supposed to have at preschool. Or when Samantha called me to fix her leaking sink while she was at work.
Jesus. I’m a chump. When did I confuse my urge to take care of people with becoming a doormat?
I hold up my keys and keep going. I don’t bother answering. Of course I’m not going to say no—I’m the only big guy here. But it’s suddenly really fucking clear to me that I’m the chump being used.
I shouldn’t even be here. Samantha and her boyfriend—Lily’s real dad—don’t seem happy, but I don’t give a shit about that. For the first time, I realize with absolute certainty that I would never get back with Samantha—not in a million years. I don’t think I ever loved her in the first place. IthoughtI loved her. But I guess I was playing house. She was pregnant and needed a man, and I stepped in to be that guy. It felt good. I guess I like being the hero. Or the rescuer. It wasn’t even about Samantha being the right one or what she could give to me. It was me seeking meaning by being a provider.
I carry the coolers out and help myself to a Sprite. As I stand there watching little girls run around, it’s clear as day I don’t need to be here. If I stopped showing up, Lily would forget me—hell, she would’ve already if I’d stepped back when I should have. Having me around may not be the best thing for the kid. It’s probably confusing to her.
“Go run up and grab the cake, will you?” Samantha says.
“Nah,” I say.
Her head jerks up in surprise and she frowns.
“I gotta go.” I don’t addgood to see you,orsee you later,because it’s suddenly crystal clear that I’m done.
As I walk away, a twisted thought takes over me. Am I doing the same thing with Lia I did with Samantha? Just taking charge of her life, moving way too fast? Am I inventing a connection that’s not there?
Sure, we like to have kinky sex—we’re fucking awesome together. But I jumped right on her and attached myself like glue without even taking the time to know her. Did my domineering alpha male tactics sideline the chance for a real relationship?
Is that even what I want? Because if it is, I’m sure as hell going about it the wrong way.
