AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Kenzi.”
My father’s voice. The car stalled, engine growling.
His black eyes. His hand outstretched. “Get in the car.”
I don’t want to. His breath, his clothes, his whole car smells like liquor. Like someone opened up a bottle of scotch and just dumped it over the seats. There are spiderwebs of red veins around his eyes. He hasn’t shaved in days, and his beard is uneven, patchy.
The passenger-side door is open, but I don’t go toward it. I stand in the uncut front lawn of our house. I don’t want to make these decisions. I’m just a six-year-old with a backpack.
“You love me, don’t you, baby?”
I nod. My voice is stuck in my throat.
“Then get in.”
I don’t know what else to do. I start to walk forward—
“Kenzi!” My mother’s voice now, a wail behind me that stops me in my tracks. She grabs my backpack, pulls me backward, and launches herself forward toward the car. They talk for a minute—angry, rapid adult voices that blur in my ears. Then he calls her a sharp word and slams the door shut.
“Don’t do this!” she shouts. “I love you, John! I love you!”
But his wheels scream on the asphalt, and the car takes off. My mother gets halfway down the road before she stops chasing him.
That’s the last time I see my father. His car will slide off the road that night, killing him and injuring two others.
My mother collapses on the lawn and cries. Her I love yous haunt me, even now.
This is what love is, says the primordial ooze of my six-year-old brain.
Love is what a man bribes you with to get you into his death-car.
Love is the strongest woman I know, brought to her knees, helpless and wailing.
Love is a child, alone, scared.
This is what love is, and I don’t want any part of it.
My tiny fingers turn to fists. I dig my nails into my palm.
“Wake up,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Wake up.”
My breath catches in my throat. My heart is pounding, my blood is screaming, and I blink at the low ceiling, the V-shaped walls, and struggle to remember where the hell I am.
I’m on a boat. In the ocean. My father is dead, and he can’t get me here.
My hands have fisted in my sleep. Slowly, I unclench them.
I’m still trying to breath, still trying to slow the adrenaline rush coursing in my veins, when there’s a soft knock on the door.
“Kenzi?” Pearl opens the door and steps inside. Her hair is pinned up to her skull, and she’s wearing a silk robe.
I still have the headphones half twisted around my head, and I untangle them and shove the Walkman to the side.
Her eyebrows knit as she looks at me. “Are you alright?”
I nod. My tongue feels thick, and it’s hard to peel it from the roof of my mouth. “Sorry,” I say, “was I…making noises?”
I shout in my sleep, sometimes. But she shakes her head. “No. I just…had a strange feeling that you needed me.”
