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“I feel like I’m high,” I said. I was wearing a long gown, not exactly Grecian, that draped down to my ankles with a slit on both sides that showed my upper thighs. Sleeveless, it was a summer ritual dress. My tattoos showed, the sleeves on my forearms brilliant and magical in themselves.
Grams was in a black gown that was fitted at the waist. The skirt was gauzy, the hemline fluttering in the wind. She had drawn a circle on the ground with her dagger, and in the center of the circle was a flowerpot filled with soil. A blade stood in the planter, the tip buried deep in the pot. Tied to the hilt was a ruby ribbon, plaited, with a nine-foot length ending by our feet.
“The magical energy is strong,” Fancypants said. He swiveled his neck to stare at Grams. “I can feel the energy flowing off you.”
Grams stood in front of the flowerpot and held out her dagger. I closed my eyes, sinking into the energy. Even Fancypants quieted down, watching somberly. Grams walked the circle as she cast the magic.
“Once around, I draw this ring, a world sacred, a world between.
Twice around, I draw this space, with the gods, face to face.
Thrice around, this circle I seal, let now the spirit realm reveal.”
I felt the energy settle around us, thick and sparkling. It washed through the circle, and every ache and pain I felt was washed away. I leaned back, resting my hands behind me on the grass. Suddenly, it was as though I could breathe again.
Grams set down her dagger and walked over to sit down in front of me. She picked up the end of the ribbon and handed it to me. I stared at it. Once I took hold, there was no going back. Initiating magical action meant either follow-through or letting energy go awry and the last thing I wanted to do was let cord-cutting energy go askew. It could cut off anybody if it wasn’t focused, and the last thing I wanted to do was lose a friend.
“Do you want to go through with it?” Grams said. “I won’t push you. If you aren’t ready, say so and we’ll devoke the circle and leave it be.”
I thought about it. Rian had come to me, asking me to let him go. He wanted me to get on with my life, to be happy. I didn’t want to forcibly keep him bound to this plane. That was cruel. And…I needed to get out of the mire. I needed to be brave and face my future instead of hiding from it. I slowly reached out, then opened my hand.
“I’m ready,” I said, swallowing hard.
“Don’t suppress your fear—don’t suppress your sorrow. You need to walk through the fire to let it go.” She placed the ribbon in my hand, and I could feel Rian’s essence embodied in the red satin. I had my own dagger with me, sitting on the ground beside me.
“What now?” I asked.
“I want you to talk to Rian. To tell him you’re ready to move forward. Tell him how you loved him, that you’ll always love him but that you have to move into the present and leave him in the past. While you’re talking, unravel the braid all the way to the knot around the sword. Then, when you have finished, tell him goodbye, consign him to the Veil, and use your dagger to cut through the ribbons, which we’ll burn in the firepit. After that, you’re not to talk about Rian for a month. Every time you utter his name, you draw him back. After a month, the pain of cutting the cords will lessen enough that you can begin to speak about him again.”
Grams knelt behind the flower pot, her hands flat against the earth. “I’m grounding the circle, grounding us in the present.”
I stared at the ribbons in my hand, then stood. As I untangled the braid, I took a deep breath and licked my lips. I’d already said everything there was to say, time and again.
“Rian, I’m ready to let you go. You asked me to let your spirit fly free, and I’m here to honor that request. It’s so hard, because I still feel guilt. I survived, and you didn’t.” I paused, then unwound another section of the ribbons. “Logically I know it’s not my fault, and I know you don’t blame me. But I still blame myself, and I know that it’s time to stop. Clinging to the dreams of what we were going to do won’t help either one of us.”
I stopped, realizing that I was crying. “Damn it, why did you die? Why did you…” I wanted to scream, to ask why he destroyed our future. But he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Get angry at the right person,” Grams said. “Why are you so afraid to be angry at the vampire who did this?”
I gasped. “Because I should have known. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk that night?—”
“Rian was drunk, too. Both of you were. But neither one of you was to blame. People make mistakes. You and Rian made a mistake, and you paid dearly. But he didn’t ask to be murdered, and you didn’t lead him into it.”
A final stone, lodged deep in my heart, broke loose. It crumbled and I began to sob. “I have to let you go. I can’t carry this weight any longer. It’s so heavy, and it’s dragging every thought, everything I do, down into the grave with you.”
I stared at the ribbon. It was fully unwound.
“Rian, I love you. I’ll always love you, but I have to leave you in the past. You’re no longer part of my life, but you’ll always be in my heart. Go, be free, do what you need to do. I let you go. I let your spirit fly—and maybe, if it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other again in another life.” And then, before I could change my mind, I lifted my dagger with my right hand and, holding the cords in my left, I severed the link between us.
As the ribbons fell to the ground, I stared at the dagger in the plant potter. It was done. I could feel a soft sigh, and as I looked up, I saw Rian standing there, a look of relief and love on his face.Thank you, he said, as he faded.I’ll always love you.
I raised my hand, watching as he vanished, my tears vanishing with him. I was cried out. There would still be tears to come, but for now, the well was dry. The future suddenly felt vast with possibilities. I knelt by one of the rose bushes and buried my nose in a bloom. Fancypants landed on my shoulder, and he awkwardly patted my hair. Grams walked over to the planter, and she picked up all the ribbons.
In silence, we carried them to the firepit and she tossed them in, along with a little fire starter, and handed me the matches. Still silent, I lit the match and dropped it atop the ribbons. As they burned, ashes flickering into the sky, I realized that I had let go of a major part of my life. And now…now what would happen?
* * *
At six,Grams decided to take a nap. She peeked into the hall bath where I was playing with the kittens. “I’ll eat dinner when I get up. You go ahead and do whatever you like—don’t fret about me.”
