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“Stephanie died in a car wreck when Noah was a month old.” Ryder closed his eyes for a moment and drew in a shuddery breath.
“I’m so sorry.”
He nodded and focused on her again, his green eyes now the color of a dark evergreen tree. “Can I tell you something I haven’t shared with anyone?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Steph was on her way from Chatelaine to San Antonio when the accident happened. Things had not been going well between us. She’d gotten pregnant less than a month after we started dating and was nearly six months along before she realized it.” He shook his head. “She thought she had a chronic case of indigestion.”
Esme had heard of circumstances where a woman remained unaware of the baby growing inside her but found it difficult to fathom. She’d felt the difference in her body almost immediately.
“We were no longer together when she found out she was pregnant,” Ryder continued, “but she wanted to have the baby so we decided to try again for the child’s sake. I proposed marriage, but Steph refused. That should have been a sign. There were so many signs, but I figured they could be chalked up to nerves. Things got worse after Noah was born.”
“Worse, how?” Esme asked, almost dreading the answer.
“She didn’t like being a mother. We talked to the doctor, and I suggested she see a therapist. I thought maybe she was dealing with postpartum depression and tried to support her. But I couldn’t do it in the way she needed. My job is demanding...”
“Yeah, I got that impression based on how your phone vibrated nonstop,” she murmured.
He sighed. “I should have taken more time off, but my dad had just moved the company headquarters to Chatelaine and announced his impending retirement. I travel a lot in my current role, so earning a promotion that would allow me to stay close to home felt essential for Noah.”
Ryder tightened his hold on the baby, and it was obvious that he felt the strain of balancing work with fatherhood. “Steph didn’t like being a full-time caregiver. We had a fight the night she left, and she packed a bag and headed out the door, telling me she wouldn’t be back.”
Esme gasped, then reached for his free hand at the look of guilt that flashed in his gaze. “You couldn’t have known what would happen.”
“No,” he agreed hoarsely. “But that doesn’t stop me from blaming myself. My son doesn’t have a mother, and maybe if I’d taken a true leave of absence or changed more diapers—”
“You can’t do that.” Esme squeezed his large hand, noting the calluses inside his palm. She wouldn’t have expected work-roughened skin from a man who appeared so polished and professional. “Neither of us can be blamed for the circumstances that brought us here.”
He didn’t look convinced.
“Ryder, I carried a baby inside me for nine months, and I loved my son from the moment I learned about him. I’m sorry it wasn’t the same for your Stephanie.”
“You’re nothing like her,” Ryder said quietly. The conviction in his voice assured Esme he was offering her a compliment, but she didn’t take a chance on asking.
Based on the tidbits of information her sister had shared about the Hayes men and their family’s reputation, she wasn’t anywhere near the type of woman Ryder would consider a romantic partner. But that wasn’t what was important at this moment.
“I gave birth to a baby I thought I knew. As a mother, I would have told you I’d recognize my child anywhere and under any circumstance. Now it’s just as clear that you are holding the baby I gave birth to. How do you think it makes me feel?” It was his turn to squeeze her hand; the warmth of his skin seeped into her body, grounding her with his solid touch.
“I imagine it makes you angry, confused and like you want to understand how this could have happened as much as I do.”
If only it were that simple. “It makes me feel like I failed as a mother from the very start. Not only my son but yours as well.”
She tugged her hand out of his and dashed it across her cheeks. Tears would do no good, but she couldn’t stop them. She looked down at the boy in her arms, unwilling to meet Ryder’s gaze and the censure she expected to see there. Of course, he hadn’t recognized her negligence as a mother at the start of all this. The shock had precluded every other rational thought. But now that she’d pointed it out, how could he help but agree?
If she’d noticed the mistake—whether done unintentionally or...well...she couldn’t imagine someone would have caused this chaos on purpose. But she should have seen it. She was a mother. She should have known.
She didn’t look up as she heard Ryder rise from the couch. Was he going to walk out on her the way Seth had? Could she blame him? A moment later, his weight settled next to her, and his arm came around her shoulder in a tender embrace.
“You can’t be kind to me right now,” she said, her voice shaking. “That’s really going to start the waterworks, and I know from experience that men don’t like waterworks.”
She felt more than heard the laugh reverberate in his chest. “I never want to make a woman cry, but I’m not afraid of your tears, Esme. There are plenty of things that scare the hell out of me, and being a good father tops that list. But you can cry all you need to, sweetheart. It’s fine by me, and I can guaran-damn-tee you that we’re not going to raise our boys to be put off by emotions. I’ve been there—done that. I don’t recommend it.”
Esme wiped a tear off of Chase’s forehead, then transferred her gaze to Noah, who was still sleeping soundly in the crook of Ryder’s arm. Finally, she looked up at the man who’d become her closest—if unlikely—ally in this mess of a situation.
A sudden idea flashed across her mind like a lightning bolt from that October storm. Goose bumps erupted along her skin and then disappeared just as quickly as the notion settled with the weight of a boulder in the middle of the road that would not be ignored.
“What is it?” Ryder asked softly. His green eyes darkened as he leaned in closer. For a brief moment, she thought he might be about to kiss her.
