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“I’m not talking about marriage. I married Seth believing I could make him love me if I tried hard enough. But that’s not how love should work, Ryder. It needs to be freely given. I fell in love with you. It’s not your fault. I didn’t even mean it to happen, and like you said, I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually, but not with how things are now. This house...”
She shook her head. “I think you need to move back to your apartment for the time being. You were right. We need to find a property that will allow us to live together but give each of us more privacy. The investigation into who was responsible for Chase and Noah being switched has taken priority, but I’m sure we can find something that will work for both of our needs.”
Ryder wanted to tell her this house worked, even though buying a different one had been his idea. He needed Esme not to give up on him. “I don’t understand. Everything was so good—”
“Was it?” She laughed without humor. “I suppose I thought so, too, but I believed the same thing when Seth and I got married. I guess that makes me the fool.”
“You aren’t a fool.”
“Maybe I’m just a woman who isn’t worth taking a risk to love.” Her voice cracked on the last word, nearly gutting Ryder.
He didn’t want to hurt Esme, yet he could see the tears shimmering in her beautiful eyes. He hadn’t wanted things with Steph to go as badly as they did, yet he hadn’t been able to stop that either.
Maybe he was cursed in a different way than his father and brother. Maybe his inability to love someone in the right way made him just as toxic as the other men in his family.
“Do you want me to go now?” As awful as this conversation was and the fallout from it would be, he still didn’t want to leave her. She called herself a fool, but he was the bigger idiot.
“It’s best for now. I think we both need a little time. But I don’t want to keep you from either of the boys. We’ll figure out how to successfully co-parent without having a romantic relationship. Come back around dinnertime,” she told him. “Bea brought over a few meals for the freezer, so we can have dinner as a fam... We can have dinner together.”
“If that’s how you want it.” He couldn’t keep the disappointment from his gaze, so he didn’t try.
“It isn’t how I want it.” She swiped a hand across her cheeks. “I told you I love you, Ryder. I want more than this. It’s stupid and naive, but—”
“You want the fairy tale.”
“No. I want real life, and I also want a true partnership. I want somebody brave enough to love me in return through the good times, laughter and moments like last night that frighten the heck out of us. I want passion and to butt heads and not to strive to meet some arbitrary standards I don’t even understand.”
She nodded as if willing him to be the man she needed. “But I don’t want convenience. I won’t settle for less than what I deserve. At the end of the day, my sons need to see their mother happy. Being with you has been wonderful for so many reasons, but a marriage of convenience isn’t enough.”
Unfortunately, it was all Ryder had to offer her.
He stood, his entire body itching to take her into his arms. Yet he didn’t touch her. He had no right to anymore. “I’ll see you later. Call or text if you need anything.”
The smile she gave him broke his heart all over again. “I wish you were willing to give me what I need.”
“I do, too,” he agreed and walked away.
“I’m going to kill him,” Bea said the following morning as they walked along the path that circled Lake Chatelaine. “It’s going to be slow and painful.”
Esme adjusted her grip on the double stroller’s handle and glanced over the top to make sure both boys were still content and cozy, bundled in blankets and protected from the wind by a plastic cover. “You can’t kill him. He’s the father of my babies.”
“One of them.” Anger darkened Bea’s voice.
“Don’t say that.” Esme shook her head. “Would you want someone to suggest that I’m not Chase’s real mom? Ryder is Noah’s father, and no matter what happens between us, that won’t change.”
“I know.” Bea let out a sigh. “I’m sorry. My comment was uncalled for. I know the babies belong to both of you, but seeing you hurt makes me so upset.”
“It’s my own fault.” Esme hated to admit it, but she couldn’t deny the truth. “Ryder and I made a deal. We were going to be friends and co-parents. I had rules, and I broke the unspoken one. The most important rule, as it turned out.” The cold wind whipped up from the lake as if chastising her for her weakness.
“He broke the rules as much as you.”
Esme appreciated her sister’s loyalty but only had herself to blame for her broken heart. “I fell in love with him. I didn’t mean to—it happened effortlessly, which I thought changed the rules.”
“You were happy with him. He’s a good father. Plus, you went through something traumatic together. Not many people can say they started a relationship because their babies were switched at birth.”
“That’s the whole point.” Esme paused for a moment and looked up toward the pale blue sky. She needed to get a hold of her emotions. It wouldn’t do her or the babies any good if she continued to be so undone by her feelings for Ryder.
“I was the one who suggested our arrangement. I came up with the rules. He didn’t need them because he wasn’t going to fall in love with me.”
