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I should have known better. Nick was the closest to me of my three brothers, and he could always tell when something was bothering me. He was also always the first one to ask me about it. The others might try to be subtle and give me space, but not Nick. He had absolutely no qualms about prying into my thoughts, which was exactly what he did then.
“Penny for your thoughts, old man?” he asked.
It was a joke we’d carried on between us from the time I was a teenager. I was never shy about pointing out the privileges that came along with me being the oldest. I had a later curfew, got to drive first, had the first girlfriend of the brothers. But it didn’t take long for Nick to take that and turn it into taunting me about being old. That only got worse when I dedicated myself to the company. According to him, the work made me stuffy and inflexible, a grumpy old man before my time. He appointed himself officially responsible for cutting through the grump. Usually he could. But that night I didn’t even know where to start.
“If I knew what was up, I’d tell you,” I said and took another sip of my beer.
Nick tilted his head to the side like he was trying to look directly into my face, but I didn’t turn to look at him.
“What do you mean?” he asked. “Something’s obviously up.”
I shrugged, letting out a breath.
“Feeling antsy, I guess. It’s probably just the first race coming up. You know how I get,” I said, hoping that would be enough to convince Nick to drop the conversation.
Even as I was saying it, though, I knew that wasn’t really what was going on. At least, that wasn’t all of it. There was more, I just didn’t know exactly what. I couldn’t put it into words. I got a brief flash of lush hips and a distracting smile, but I ruthlessly shoved it down, swallowing it and chasing it with a guzzle of beer. I couldn’t let myself think that way. It wasn’t about her. I couldn’t let it be about Merry.
“Yeah, I know how you get, but this is different,” Nick pointed out. I still didn’t respond, and he gave a relenting nod.
He reached over me and grabbed a handful of the snacks I’d brought out. Still staring at me, he popped a few in his mouth and chewed. I slid my eyes over to him.
“Enjoying that?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said without hesitation. I turned back to the fire, and he leaned closer. “You’d tell me if it was something else, right? Like if you were in trouble or sick or something, yeah?”
His voice had dropped to a lower, softer tone like he was trying to stop it from carrying over to our parents or brothers. He was genuinely worried about me, wanting to make sure I was all right but wanting to keep it between us. I nodded. Even without words, that seemed like enough for Nick, and he sat back in his chair. We sat there silently for a few more minutes, watching the fire and drinking our beer. When Darren and Vince finally gave up on their game and dropped down in other chairs on the opposite side of the fire, Nick got up. He crossed over to them, and I heard him start talking to Vince about the stock market. That was their thing. I’d never gotten into the stock market, though I had some investments a firm managed for me. But the two of them seemed to think of it as another sport.
I didn’t really care what they were talking about. As much as I didn’t want to admit it even to myself, and never would have said it to Nick, I was relieved when he walked away and left me alone again. It was a disquieting, upsetting feeling. I loved hanging out with my brothers, so I wished I knew what was going on now to make me want to just be alone. The thought went through my head that I should call Cole, but I knew my best friend had been dealing with his own shit recently. I didn’t want to drag him down further. At the same time, maybe that’s what we both needed. Just some time away from everything. A night at the batting cages like the old days, smashing the hell out of baseballs and being far too loud and inappropriate, sounded like exactly what I needed. That would shake me out of whatever was going on in my head.
I made a mental note to give him a call after the first race was done and find a time when we could get together.
10
Merry
It was finally the day of my first race. That wasn’t a sentiment I ever thought would go through my mind. It was finally beach day, sure. It was finally the first day of vacation, yes. It was finally the day I was going to sit around in my sweatpants and eat obscene amounts of popcorn, absolutely. But the concept of being excited for a race of any kind was pretty much foreign.
