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“Then close your eyes, brother. I’ll get us home.” Around us, footpaths are filled with litter and people who’re just hanging around, looking for something, for anything really, to do with their lives. Take-outs, run-down grocery stores, more garbage, more people. If I’d been in a different kind of business, I might have felt pity for them. For not having any money, any plans, in their miserable lives. But I know from experience that these guys are our best clients. And connected to All Saints. So, yeah.
Next to me, Ro mutters something unintelligible, lets out a heavy yawn and stretches like a cat.
Wriggling myself out of my tight jacket while steering with my knees, I keep my eye on the road. I love driving, and have enjoyed driving Austin everywhere through the city since he first came back from college. Especially late at night, or early in the morning, the city has a different glow. Night traffic’s different, just like our city. Still busy, but there’s something special about moving around, when a lot of people have checked out for the day. They’re behind the curtains, most likely sleeping, and you’re out here, driving through the darkness.
Ro’s fallen asleep, his face now smooth and free of those wrinkles of worry he was showing earlier, his breathing finally flattened. It makes my chest tighten. My cousin has always been the more sensitive one of the four of us, and that includes my baby sister Vic. When Austin decided to move to Paris with Connor, we unanimously voted for Ro to take over from Thomas, their dad. Because Ro’s a good man, fair and disciplined, and we wanted to take the Void out of the shadows that had been part of the foundations laid by the founders, our uncles and fathers. Still, he’s the one I’ve always worried about the most, perhaps because of that gentle character. I know it’s not a weakness, and I don’t even know why I feel this need, I just do. Even now, with him sleeping next to me, I’m happy that it’s me who’s driving him home, back to safety.
Passing Cobble Hill means getting closer to our part of Brooklyn. I take a left to approach the water, just because this view never gets old, even though I can see it from our apartment. Slowing the car as I pass pier 6, I can’t help but think about today, stretched behind us like some obstacle-filled path. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Phoenix in the park. Couldn’t believe that it was him who had been sent to do the actual execution.
I watch Ro again. His lips are slightly agape, and his puffy breaths alternate with soft snores.
“I’m sorry, man,” I whisper-mutter, “I should have protected you better.” He doesn’t reply, and I exhale long and heavy.
I park the SUV in our designated spots in the parking garage of our building, then shoot off a few last-minute texts. In the corner, a large frame’s patiently waiting for me to get out the car, then steps out from the shadows. Of course, I should have known.
“He’s all yours, buddy.” I greet D. He dips his chin and the corners of his lips twitch when he looks inside the car. Then he nods.
“I’ll bring him upstairs.” I swallow my obvious, snarky reply.
Suddenly I feel too tired, and perhaps this confusion, this utter turmoil they are clearly experiencing, is no longer something I cannotrelate to. It used to feel so foreign, these complex feelings of infatuation. But the entire walk through the corridor, up in the elevators, inside my condo, until the moment my head hits the pillow, he follows me. It’s the world upside down—it’s the image of Phoenix, with his gorgeous curls and bashful smile, that chases me down to my dreams.
ChapterSeven
PHOENIX
The park looks beautiful today. It’s always well-maintained, but as we make our entrance, hundreds of tiny cherry blossoms blow through the air, only to land at our feet, everywhere around us, its tiny petals draping over the stones of those we remember.
Make a birthday wish.
So many shattered lives in the name of death.
So many broken hearts in the name of sorrow.
Mom’s clinging on to me like her life depends on it. As if I’m really able to catch her when she falls. I can’t even seem to catch myself, and I certainly am falling. I dreamt of him last night, in the miserable two hours I slept. Flickers of Kai passed by, and in my fluttering thoughts he transformed into some black-hooded devil with a large gun. He was chasing me, and I fell from the fire escape, all the way down from my room, while he howled his victory. Still, I somehow survived, but only barely. And when I laid there on my back, he came down the stairs, tantalizingly slowly as he whistled a tune, stared at me as I lay there, helpless.
“That’s what you get for being a traitor.”
No.
“Yes.”
I blink my eyes widely, shaking off the thoughts. He kissed me last night. My very first kiss, and it was with him. The guy I fear, and who clearly hates me. The guy I desire. My fingers caress my lips as if they can still taste him. As if they want to savor every single bit of honeygrass and arrogance that lingered in the room after he left.
Kai has thatfuck-you attitude, the guy whoisthe party. He’s sexy, and dangerous, and it’s fucking exhilarating to even be around him. Even if he brings a threat. Even if he brings a gun. Because it lightens up my shadow just that little bit.
“Your life is in my hands now, baby mouse.”
Why do I find that phrase as hot as I find it terrifying? Why does it make me want to place my life in his hands, and be part of his big, bad-ass family? I shake off the thought and let embarrassment wash over me. I can’t believe I’m thinking about this now that we’re here.
Mom moves forward, and I too take a step, holding her cold hand with my own as I do so, marching back into reality. While we make our way through the maze of headstones, a thick silence is wrapped around us. Outside of this bubble I hear the city noise, but here, it’s strangely quiet. There are not many people around, the smell of fresh rain still present in the sky. On the ground too, as we avoid puddles on our way toward my sister.
“It’s her birthday again,” Mom decides when we finally halt.
Rose Maria
Baby girl
May you rest in peace
