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“Provide for us? You tore us apart. You tore this family apart!Youdid that.” She starts sobbing, thick sniffs of heart-break filling the room. After this morning outside, she’s had the entire day to fill her body and mind with poison. “I love you so much, my son.”
“I know.” My trembling fingers hurry to finish preparing the food, to leave. “It’s just that I don’t—” Cotton fills my mind, blanking my thoughts.
“You don’t,what, Phoenix? You don’t want to talk about it? Since when do you talk? Younevertalk.”
“I don’t want you to hate me. I—” I swallow the burn of tears in my throat, then turn around. But when I catch her gaze, the words won’t come out.
…want you to love me.
…want you to need me like I need you.
“Hate?” Her eyes widen, and for a moment she seems at a loss of words, before she barks, “You killed her, your own flesh and blood. Your own sister!” She jumps up and the seat clatters to the floor behind her. She doesn’t seem to notice, instead jabs her cigarette at me like it’s a knife, poking right through my heart until it turns into ashes that whirl to the ground. We stay like this for a beat, eyes glued to each other, naked and hurt, broken into a thousand shards. Words stay lodged in my throat. “I—”
“Get out.” The cigarette points to the door. “Now.”
Tipping my head ever so slightly, I do just that. My steps feel heavy with remorse, a loud thudding in my ear. I amNo One.
* * *
The next days pass, filled with nothing more than work and drawing, cooking and cleaning. Mom doesn’t talk, and I have nothing to say. I’m left pining over a letter that will never come my way, and in my mind I try to fill the gap with my favorite truths. Dad’s found himself a great job and he’s doing all he can to save for our spacious condo that could be anywhere, as long as it’s close to the water. I’d like to live by the water. I’d like to have my own studio. Yeah, if I had my own space, I’d become a photographer, create my life through images, filled with color and happiness. Sprinkles of silver, flecks of gold, and pink of cherry blossom.Black, just like the color of his hair.Onyx, like the color of his eyes.Charcoal, that trace the lines of the tattoos on his knuckles, and the lightest shade ofbrownfor the tender skin on his collarbone down to his pecs, further down over the valley of his stomach. I close my eyes and let my fingers trace those gentle curves, that warm skin, all the way to that hardened bulge. The center of his heat, his throbbing, hard…
My eyes open on a jolt and I scan my surroundings in shock. It’s nighttime and I’m alone in bed.
“Fuck,” I run a hand down my face. The dreams are getting worse. But in my mind, I can see things so clearly. I get up into a sitting position, tucking the sheets up to my nose. The window’s closed, yet it feels like a chilly breeze has come through, causing me to shiver. Perhaps it’s my own feeling of humiliation, because my cock is hard between my legs, throbbing in its need for release. I don’t want to, but I do. So, fucking, badly.
Fluttering my eyes closed, I lay down again, enjoying this time during the night where I still have a few hours before I have to get up again. My hand travels south and my vision is filled with Kai. He smiles at me, his dark eyes flashing with mischief. Not able to deny myself anymore, my hand brushes past my needy cock, cupping my sac with its heavy balls, while my other hand wraps around my girth.
“Oh, God.” I'm so hard, so desperate for him. Kai. He presses his lips to mine and wraps an arm around me, hot and possessive. Then he pulls me closer, protecting me, cherishing me. His lips graze the skin of my neck, and he nips and licks every inch of sensitive flesh. My hand flies over my arousal, his words softly spoken and filling my spiraling thoughts..
“There’s a good boy.”
“You taste so good,” I murmur. I increase the pressure, one hand teasing my balls while the other one keeps a steady rhythm, pumping me over the edge.
“So good, baby mouse.”
I come on a muffled cry, ropes of cum landing on my hoodie and sweats. Panting loudly, I milk myself through my orgasm until the vision of Kai floats away and the temperature drops. Until I’m left with my stained clothes and a shame stronger and more destructive than before. Too tired to get up, and not wanting to waste any sleeping time on cold showers, I lay still and close my eyes again. Dad’s letter radiates warmth through the pillow. Protecting me, just like it did when I was in France.
I drift off a little. I still wonder why that cult let me in when I knocked on their door. Yet they showered me in hesitant, yet genuine care, that somehow weighed heavy on my stomach. Getting Mason out of there had felt necessary. Like it was the only thing I could dorightfor Kai, since he had taken up residence in my mind ever since our meeting at the port. Rolling onto my side, I reach for my earbuds.
He had been my storm.Raging over me, crushing me with his beauty, his fury. I knew right there that I needed to run—run!—from him, from the burning heat of betrayal, from the despicable person I’d become. And I did, because I made it back home, again with my nightmares, this time combined with wet dreams. Only now, I really know what he tastes like. Fuck, I’m in so much trouble.
Will All Saints give me another chance? I can’t hide forever.I’m gonna need more money.Two thousand fucking dollars. I‘d be able to pay our bills for two months.
Mom will be proud of me.
And withWaterloo Sunsetby the Kinks flooding through my ears, I finally fall back to sleep.
ChapterEight
KAI
“Whatcha got for me, Mia?” Dropping my duffel bag onto the floor of our gym, I take a seat at the table across from Charlie’s sister. It has been a few days since All Saint’s attack during the picnic, and despite my debatable trips to a specific run-down neighborhood, I have managed to keep security perfectly in check and play my role as party animal. Which frankly, is not a punishment. Not at all.
Yawning, I stretch my lazy limbs, pulling my track pants taut around my thighs. Mia looks up from her computer and scratches her cheek with a pencil while she eyes me with a scrunched-up nose.
“Are you really going to work-out after the state you guys were in last night?” Flashes of me and my cousins in the Butterfly pass by. Austin hanging around the pole with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, Big playing waiter and Connor… I smile. That guy really has a way of being the sanity my cousin needs so much.
Watching their growing love is an honor in the most delicate way. None of us have ever been long-term guys. Our family’s made of explosive freaks, impulsive as hell. Which is why I’m not surprised that Austin proposed to Connor. If it feels good, and you want it to last, you’ve got to grab hold of it and keep it close. Cherish it to let it grow. You've gotta make it yours.
