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“Are you okay?” she asked. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She lifted her hand as if she was going to reach out and pat him on the back comfortingly, but he didn’t give her the chance. Him exploding up out of his seat made Kira and I both jump back, and I gasped, my hand coming up to cover my mouth. The reaction was so sudden, so intense, I didn’t know what to expect next. He could have started screaming, which definitely would have woken up my little girl, and that wasn’t the type of introduction I ever imagined. But after a couple of seconds, there still wasn’t any screaming, and instead Darren just started pacing back and forth the way I had when he first sat down.
Somehow, that was worse. The pacing meant he didn’t know what to say or how to react. He was just building up energy and stress, and eventually it would come bursting out of him. Darren was usually such a shy, quiet guy. Even when he was being boisterous for him, it was still very subdued. But the reaction on his face right now wasn’t even close to what I was accustomed to seeing when he looked at me. At that moment he looked downright murderous.
It was my fault. There was no other way to put it, no reason to even begin to come up with excuses or find some other explanation for why he looked that way. That didn’t help. It only underscored and validated the guilt I felt every time I thought about not telling him the truth as soon as I got into town. Of course, seeing him so suddenly and so unexpectedly at the bar on his birthday wasn’t part of the plan. I wasn’t supposed to just suddenly run into him that way. My plan had been to settle down in the town and find my bearings in my new life, then purposely and thoughtfully track him down so I could explain the situation in a straightforward, adult way. Everything I’d ever planned had the purpose and goal of keeping any kind of tricky or complicated emotions out of the conversation.
Not that I ever was under the delusion it would be a completely emotionless conversation. There was no way I’d be able to tell a man he was a father without there being an emotional reaction. But I hoped telling him immediately would take advantage of the cooled-down tensions between us created by being separated for three years.
That wasn’t the way it worked out. I tried to lay the groundwork for still following through with my plan when I saw him at the bar. Giving him my phone number should have been the way we could reconnect, meet in a controlled and neutral environment, and have the conversation that was long overdue between us. Now that opportunity was far behind me, and I was dealing with the uncomfortable and unfortunate aftermath of it. There was no longer any chance of there not being an emotional response or a complicated situation.
I wished so much I could turn back the hands of time and do what I should have done from the beginning. Even as I thought that, my mind went to the coffee cup of flowers sitting on the counter in my kitchen, and I felt a twinge that told me I really didn’t want to let go of those special moments with him. Finally, Darren stopped pacing. He stepped up right in front of me and stared directly into my eyes, the same way I had done to him when he was sitting on the couch. He was turning the tables on me, putting me in the hot water.
“Can I see her?” he finally asked.
That wasn’t what I was expecting to come out of his mouth, and I was pleasantly surprised. At least, as pleasantly as I could hope to be in that situation. I nodded and glanced over at Kira.
“I’ll just stay here,” she said, settling back into the seat. As soon as her back hit the chair, she sat forward again and stood up. “Actually, I think I’ll go in the kitchen and make some tea.”
When she was out of the room, I gestured for Darren to follow me. I led him toward the back of the apartment and stopped in front of Willa’s bedroom. Putting one hand on the knob, I held a finger to my lips to show he should be quiet. Carefully opening the door with the smooth, silent maneuver I mastered over the last two years, I poked my head into the room to peer at the baby and make sure she was still asleep.
Willa was just as quiet and peaceful as she had been before he got there, and I opened the door the rest of the way to let him look in. Darren took a couple of steps into the room and peered down at Willa, the emotion on his face unreadable. After a few minutes, we backed out of the room and I closed the door behind us. I waited until we got back into the living room to say anything. I turned to him, my arms wrapped tightly around myself.
