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He sighs. “Lucie, God. Of course I’m not firing you.” He runs a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. This is so fucked up. I would never…I can move your supervision to Mark if that would make you more—”
I shake my head. “No. It’s fine.”
“We clearly need to talk, but...you’re sure you’re going to be okay?”
“As long as he doesn’t come to my presentation, I don’t care what he does.”
He frowns. “I was wondering if maybe that’s the reason he’s here. Your presentation. Maybe he wants to see how you do.”
A noise comes out of my throat, some combination of a laugh and a gasp. “He’s had his entire life to see me. And as disastrous as my presentation is already going to be, I think I’d implode under the pressure if he came to this one.”
“I don’t think you need to worry,” he says softly. “Just watching you attempt to set up a smart board is enough to make someone fall hard and fast.”
I stare at him. Mark’s walking toward us and I’m probably reading too much into it, again, but I’d really like him to elaborate.
“Caleb, you’ve got to go,” Mark says, walking up beside me. “Lucie, we’ve got seats saved, but we’d better get in there. It’s going to be standing room only.”
Caleb hesitates, glancing at me once more before he leaves, and Mark leads me in the other direction, through a throng of people fighting to get into the auditorium.
“This is insane,” he mutters, as people push past. “All because of Robert Underwood.”
Inside, they’re already lining the walls, sitting cross-legged in aisles, quietly gossiping about my half-siblings and their mother. And here I am, about to see my father in person for the first time in my life, and all I can think about is Caleb, the boy I might have grown up beside if I’d been allowed to leave the house.
Just watching you attempt to set up a smart board is enough to make someone fall hard and fast.
If my father hadn’t denied my existence, maybe Caleb and I would have known each other well enough for him to say some version of that as a teenager or in college. In a world before there was a Kate, a Jeremy, he might have told me he was falling hard and fast, and I’d have said,‘I’ve loved you since I was six, so it’s about time.’
Most people go through their entire lives wondering wheretheir other half is. I’ll go through the rest of mine knowing I found him but could never claim him as my own.
Caleb and my father enter the room along with the other panelists and the room quiets. My father gives Caleb a polite tip of the head. Caleb’s eyes narrow in response and then he turns away, seeking me out in the crowd, making sure I’m okay.
The moderator leans toward his mic and poses a question about work-from-home, a concept Caleb loathes. I already know he’ll be the only one up there who says,‘I’m not paying someone a full-time salary to play Call of Duty for six hours and answer a few calls”, just like I know my father will try to please both sides and wind up saying nothing worthwhile.
I used to watch my father’s interviews and think he was this paragon of wisdom, with his perfect answers that made everyone feel heard, but today, all I can think as I listen is howmeaninglesshis words are. How he doesn’t say a single thing that reflects what he truly believes but is always selling you something…and selling it a little poorly, if you ask me. He’s not as smart and suave as he thinks he is, and reminds me, uncomfortably enough, of my ex-husband. I don’t want to look at that too closely.
By contrast, there’s something blunt and forceful in the way Caleb answers a question—he sounds as if he’d rather not be there at all—and it has me squeezing my thighs together beneath the notepad in my lap. Caleb-as-grumpy-asshole could be its own fetish category, and I’d pay money just to watch him in action.
Toward the end, they’re asked about work-life balance.Robertweighs in immediately because that’s his whole schtick.Family is everything. Values matter. Always make the responsible choice. He manages to say it so convincingly that I sometimes wonder if he’s just forgotten what he did.
“It’s vital,” he begins, and I roll my eyes. “My family is what’s kept me grounded all these years and gives me thereason I do what I do. Fortunately, I’m quite lucky to have both my children doing it with me now.”
I’ve heard him reference ‘both’his kids so many times that it no longer makes a dent, but Caleb’s jaw is clenched. My phone, resting on my thigh, vibrates.
CALEB
I can set the record straight for everyone in this room. Just say the word.
I love that Caleb is willing to do that for me, consequences be damned, but I glance up and shake my head. I’d rather have people not realize my father has three kids than know he’s so ashamed of one he wants to forget her existence.
When the panel concludes, the moderator steps up to the podium. “Before everyone leaves, please note that there’s been a change to the schedule. ‘Employee Fitness and Community Building,’ in Ballroom A, has been cancelled. DeeDee Murray of Underwood Enterprises will discuss ‘Empowering Women to Take Leadership Roles’ in its place.”
I stare at him, confused.Employee Fitnesswasmypresentation. I look at Caleb...who appears just as dumbfounded as me.
“What the hell?” Mark asks. “They didn’t tell you, did they? Because they sure didn’t tell me.”
“No,” I whisper, relieved and disappointed at once. I didn’t actuallywantto do the presentation, but it would have looked good on my resume, and I spent a lot of time getting ready for it.
We walk to the stage, where Caleb is talking to one of the conference planners. “That’s not an answer,” he snaps. “I want to know why the fuck it was cancelled and why she wasn’t given any advance notice. This is absolutely unacceptable.”
