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The cemetery sits not farfrom Caleb’s end of the lake. Her car is the only one in the lot.
I didn’t want to find her at Kent’s, but...I didn’t want to find her here either.
I scan the grounds until I see her bright hair in the distance. She’s facing away from me, sitting cross-legged, with her head in her hands. My feet crunch the leaves underfoot and she glances back furtively, like an animal expecting a chase. Her eyes are red-rimmed and raw, and the look on her face—Jesus. I don’t know how Caleb stood it, that kind of grief, day after day. I reach her and drop to the ground, wrapping my arms around her tight, and she folds into me as if she’s suddenly boneless. She isn’t crying, but her whole body shakes. It’s almost as if she’s beyond sadness, as if grief has bled her dry.
“Kate...you’ve been here all day? What are you doing?”
“She’s out here every single night alone,” she whispers. “I can’t stand that she’s out here alone.”
This is why she snuck out of rehab last year.
I’d bet all I own that this is where she came. It’s why she fought Caleb so hard about leaving for treatment at all, why she begged him to let her stay. And it’s why, at least in part, she doesn’t want to leave now either.
It isn’t her addiction she can’t seem to move past. It’s her daughter.
We sit for long minutes until evenI’mcold, and she was already shivering when I arrived.
“It’s time to go,” I finally tell her as gently as I can. She nods, leaning over to press her lips to the top of the grave, whispering something I can’t hear, something I’mgladI can’t hear. Every aspect of her pain is intolerable to me.
I take her keys and usher her into the passenger’s seat of her car.
“I’ll get it later,” I tell her when she glances over at my bike.
I turn the heat as high as it can go and drive south to Santa Cruz. She stares out the window for a long time, saying nothing. “Why aren’t we going home?” she asks at last.
“You need a change of scenery.”
I park in front of a restaurant and when I climb from the car, she does too, following like a child.
She’s still shivering, so I get us a table near the fireplace. She stares out at the ocean. “I had no idea this place existed.”
“Maybe you need to get out more,” I tell her, and she laughs at that, her voice raspy from sadness.
The waiter brings our drinks, but Kate still hasn’t even looked at the menu, so I ask him to come back. We’re not leaving here until I’ve seen her eat something.
I place one of her cold hands between mine. “You should have told me what today was. I’m sorry I didn’t remember.”
“I wouldn’t have expected you to,” she says, not meeting my eye. “Caleb was sad for about two seconds, and then his life went on.”
Not exactly.Caleb just had his own especially shitty way of handling grief. If it wasn’t for Lucie, he’d still be burying himself in work, pretending nothing ever went wrong.
“You can remember,” I reply gently, “without choosing to let it destroy you.”
Her eyes fly to mine, and she slides her hand away. “You think I’mchoosingthis? You think Iwantto feel like this all the time?”
I sigh, leaning back in my seat. “I think maybe you’re choosing it without even realizing that’s what you’re doing.” I shove my menu off to the side. “When my mom died, I thought if I wasn’t still sad about it, if I moved on at all, it was like I was forgetting her. I wanted to feel that pain because I thought the only other option meant leaving her behind. I guess it’s part of the reason I haven’t given up the bar.”
She plants her elbows on the table and buries her face in her hands. It takes her a long moment to reply. “I already left her behind,” she whispers. “I let them take her.”
My stomach drops. I knew she hadn’t gotten over it, but this is a whole different level of mourning. This is the kind of guilt no one can live with.
“Jesus, Kate. You had to let them take her. There wasn’t another option.”
“I just want her back,” she says into her hands. “I want a second chance.”
“You can have a second chance and a third chance and a fourth if you want it. You’ve just got to be willing to move forward with your life.”
