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I wake gasping in Beck’s room, my heart exploding in my chest. Beck curves a protective arm around me, somehow knowing even when he’s sound asleep that I need help. For once, though, his heat suffocates me, and I slide away from him.
That wasn’t how the dream was supposed to go. It was supposed to end with Hannah looking up at me the way she did, so alert, watching my face with absolute faith. I want to make it up to her, all my failures. I want to prove to her that I can do this, that I’m worthy of the way she trusted me.
That dream is what got me sober. It’s what led me, still high, to stumble out of Kent’s house and make my way back to rehab. I left everything I loved behind, all in my blind pursuit of that moment: the warmth of her in my arms, Hannah’s eyes on my face.
Now it’s all slipping away, and I don’t know what’s left without it.
* * *
Beck triesto get me to go to the hospital and then Rachel’s house in the days that follow. His jaw grinds every time I refuse, and there’s an answering tick of anger in my stomach. Expecting me to go fawn over someone’s newborn daughter in the very hospital where I lost mine is unfair. Beingannoyedabout my refusal to go is absolute bullshit.
Prove you’re better, Kate.That’s what he’s really saying. And why do Ihaveto be better? Why do I have to prove anything to him?
“We’re going today,” he announces Saturday morning. “I’ll leave the bar around four and come get you.”
I picture pink walls and a white rocking chair, a room identical to the one I created for Hannah. And a baby in an identical crib who is not mine.
“No thanks.”
He pushes away from the counter. “You’re being fucking ridiculous. And rude. She named her kid after you. The least you could do is make an appearance.”
I narrow my eyes and manage my best evil queen smile. “Aren’t you worried I’ll run into Caleb? Since you’re apparently so threatened by that.”
Something hardens in his face. “Caleb takes Sophie to dance on Saturdays. Sono, I’m not threatened.”
It’s a slap in the face, the fact that Caleb is parenting someone else’s daughter. That’s exactly what Beck wanted it to be. “Not pulling our punches anymore, I see.”
His face holds no apology. “Maybe you need some sense knocked into you.”
He walks out, and I quietly fume. I should absolutely have known a fling with him would go like this, this progression fromcasualanduncomplicatedtoabandon everything you want from life to make me happy, Kate.
“Fuck you, Beck!” I shout, knowing he won’t hear me. I wouldn’t care even if he did.
My phone rings, and I glare at the sight of Jeremy’s name there. I’m not sure why I answer.
“How’s my favorite scorned spouse?” he asks. “I thought you’d disappeared. Everything okay?”
I sigh, pushing my plate away. “Yes. Just sick of this endless well of sympathy for Caleb and Lucie when everything’s come so easily to them.”
He chuckles. “Preaching to the choir, babe. Meet me for lunch. We can commiserate.”
Jeremy’s a douche, but it actually sounds nice. Right now, I just need one person who isn’t demanding I move on. I want an hour or two with someone who agrees that I don’t have to move forward until I’m good and fucking ready to do so.
Two hours later, I’m at the restaurant he’s chosen, one where the patrons are clad in golf attire and speak in hushed tones over their steak and hundred-year-old scotch. If this is the kind of treatment Lucie expects from Caleb, she’s got some disappointment in store. Then again, Caleb seems willing to pull puppies and sunshine from his ass where she’s concerned—I still can’t believe the same guy who never found time to attend a single sonogram is now driving someone else’s kid to ballet.
Jeremy rises as I approach, kissing me on the cheek as if we are actually friends, which we are not, or as if this is a date, which it most definitely is not. He holds me by my elbow as I pull away, casting an appraising glance over me from head to toe. “If it’s any consolation, I’d hire you. I don’t even know what youdo,but I’d give you any job you want, looking like that.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s how sexual harassment lawsuits start,” I reply, sliding into my seat.
He laughs. “You keep me on my toes, Kate, and Iloveit. I can’t imagine how Caleb could have given you up.”
I suppose I should reply in kind, but anyone who’s seen Caleb knows why Lucie was willing to give this guy up. And he’s just saying it to kiss my ass. I wish he’d tell me what he’s after and drop all the compliments.
He orders a bottle of wine without asking me first. He knows I was in rehab, but maybe it’s okay that someone’s finally not treating me like I’m too weak and ill to relax around.
He reaches for my glass and I wave him off.
“Sorry,” he says. “Is it a problem?”
