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Rage has me swaying. I grip the bar to remain upright, and possibly also to keep from grabbing Suzanne by the hair and swinging her to the floor.
This is my chance to set things right from the other day, to tell him that yes, things have changed and that he means something to me, but he just stood there letting this bitch suck his thumb, and it’s not as if he’s ever put anything on the line himself, so why thefuckshould I?
“Are you serious right now?” I demand. “You expect me to make some heartfelt speech while she sucks your thumb?”
“No,” he says, turning away. “I don’t expect you to say a goddamn thing. You never do.”
There’s a hundred-pound weight in my chest as I turn, numb, to walk back to the car, blind with shock. I can’t believe I came in here to make things right, and he basically told me to fuck off. I expect that kind of treatment from everyone else in my life, but not him. I tell myself not to allow this to hurt, not to give him that kind of power.
It hurts anyway.
39
BECK
Kate walks out, and I’m torn between wishing I’d hurt her more and wanting to run after her. Though, why the fuck do I believe I could actually hurt her in the first place?
Suzanne laughs. “What a bitch.”
“Don’t call her that,” I warn.
She rolls her eyes. “Please tell me you’re not sleeping with her.”
I was. And then she walked in and saw some other girl fellating my thumb, so I guess I won’t be again.Fuck.
I no longer want to be here. But I don’t want to be at my own home either. Kate has ruined everything for me by making my life so much better for a while that I’ve realized how shitty it was before. I manage to do my job for another hour, until the crowd clears a little, and then I tell Mueller I’m heading out.
Liam’s in the corner, talking to some girl he used to sleep with. I walk over, my head too full of chaos to mind the fact that I’m intruding. “Let’s get out of here.”
The girl’s jaw drops. I guess it was rude of me. Don’t give a fuck. Liam takes one look at my face and nods. “Sorry,” he tells the girl. “Bros before...never mind. Sorry. I gotta go.”
“I’m driving,” he announces, “because you look inclined to run into a tree on purpose, and I’m too handsome to risk that.”
He heads to the outskirts of town to a dive bar that didn’t card us when we were sixteen and appears to still have the same high standards today.
“You just cockblocked me with Arielle Dawes,” he says while the bartender pours me a double bourbon on the rocks. “So this had better be good.”
I slam the bourbon, relishing the burn in my throat, and hold my hand up for two more. “She’s still not over Caleb. After all this fucking time.”
He groans, running both hands through his hair in frustration. “Look, I like Kate, and Idothink she’s cleaned up her shit, but that doesn’t mean she’s good for anyone right now. And you’ve got to be realistic: she and Caleb aren’t even divorced yet, a divorce she didn’t want. What made you think that was going to change?”
I ignore him. He doesn’t know how she is with me, howcontentshe is when she forgets for one goddamned second about the ex she never should have been with in the first place.
The bartender slides another double my way. “He always wanted her to be someone she wasn’t. She wanted novelty and excitement, and he acted like there was something wrong with her for wanting it.”
I wait for him to remind me that therewassomething wrong with it, given where it led, but he simply shrugs. “I remember. What’s your point?”
“My point,” I say, pulling the second double shot toward me, “is that it’s good with us. Really good. And she’s a thousand times happier with me than she ever was with him, but she’s incapable of admitting it.” I push a hand through my hair, try to find the words. My head is foggy. “I love her, but I can’t deal with this anymore.”
He sighs. “Doessheknow you love her?”
“She must. It couldn’t be more obvious.”
He shakes his head. “Sure, but have you conveyed this withwords? Kate’s a smart girl, but she’s fucked up enough to be stupid about a lot of things too, and this is probably one of them.”
“She’s had a thousand openings to tell me she’s not after Caleb. I’m not saying shit until she can at least do that much.”
“You may be nearly as stupid as she is then,” he concludes.
