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I give Athelia another moment, praying she’ll change her mind, but her expression has hardened again. My hopes crash to the ground as she turns away and opens her book.
Did I imagine that look in her eyes? Was it just wishful thinking?No.It was there, I know it was.
But as Athelia continues to ignore me, I realize it doesn’t matter. Even if she’s at war with herself, she’s chosen her path.
And it leads her far, far away from us.
Chapter Fifty-Three
Cal
I never thought I’d experience a part of my life that’s darker than my teenage years, but after Athelia dismisses us like we were fucking dogs, that changes.
My will to live slips from my grasp, and I can’t even do the bare minimum. January comes and goes. By Valentine’s Day, I’m failing every single one of my classes. Kellan helps me through the process of dropping out when I realize there’s no way I could possibly catch up.
In every aspect of life, I’ve failed.
My parents.
Pemberton.
Athelia.
Possibly the worst part is realizing that this is how things should be. I was never supposed to exist—an accident that turned into a burden that turned into someone’s worst nightmare.
The world would’ve been a much better place if I’d never existed.
By the end of February, I haven’t left the house in weeks. Wes and Kellan have tried to get me to do literally anything, but I can’t. Just laying in bed drains all my energy.
Hearing the guys come and go throughout the day only pulls me further into my depression. Why can they continue on but I can’t? Why can’t I be like them?
They probably hate you for laying around like a useless lump.
Tonight, hearing someone in the kitchen only makes everything worse. Usually, I’m the one who cooks for everyone. I love doing it, but lately, making a meal is just too much.
Everything is too much.
Worthless. A waste of space that’s been draining my bank account since before you were even born.
I haven’t heard my mother’s voice in my head in a long time. I thought I banished it, but it’s come back full force. It’s like she’s here with me. Like I’m a kid again.
Her taunts echo in my head until they’re all I can think of. What would she tell me about Athelia? That I was never good enough for her? That I was a fool for thinking she could forgive me? Love me?
I thought she was my family.
Somewhere between darkness creeping into my bedroom and my tears drying, I reach for relief, for peace, for anything to end this. I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keepliving.
It’s better if I’m not here, anyway. I’m a mistake. A monster. A naive boy who thought he could fix his mistakes but has never been so wrong in his short life.
My heart aches as I sit up in bed. I barely realize my hand is moving until it closes around the knife I keep on my nightstand.Vaguely, I realize I should move to the tub to make cleanup easier for whoever finds me.
Are you really going to do this to them? You’re really going to make them be the ones who find you? Selfish. So goddamn selfish.
But it’s not enough to stop me. I need the pain in my chest to stop. I need everything to stop.
I know just what it takes to wring the life out of someone’s body. I haven’t contemplated doing it to my own in years, but here I am, holding the sharp blade to my wrist.
In my last moments, I think of Athelia. Her soft brown eyes, her dark green hair, the love that took over her features whenever she looked at me.No—not love. Manipulation.
