Page 28 of Regaining Integrity


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“Motherfucker.” I snarl into my pillow.

The worst part is I felt something—a connection to him last night just like I did all those years ago in the high school library.

“Fuck this.” Angrily, I get out of bed and throw some lazy clothes on before turning to the bed to strip it. I shove the sheets into the washer and spray down the mattress with disinfectant.

Wiping my tears away, I promise myself I willnotfall for anything he throws my way ever again.

Chapter Fifteen

Chase

Another one of Will’s punches comes right at me, and I don’t fight or dodge it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I’m not about to tell him his punches are weak as hell. I’m not even going to say he hits like a girl because that’s an insult to several I’ve been hit by before, whose swings are harder than my older brother’s. “When. Are. You. Going. To. Learn?” Punch after punch, I don’t fight back. I deserve everything he rains down on me. I’m just glad we’re far away from the house so Mom doesn’t have to see her boys like this and try to stop us.

When I got home way too early yesterday morning, no one knew I didn’t come home at all. I may not have gotten much sleep, but I got my ass to work in order to keep anyone from wondering what happened to me.

It wasn’t until today while we were out mending fences that Will had had enough of my silence. Because it was as unnatural as finding a squid in the middle of a field of wheat. I’m a chatterbox; there’s no denying I’m the one in the family who always has something to say.

So when I told him everything I did Saturday night, I wasn’t the least bit surprised when he dropped his tools and started to beat the shit out of me. His swings are beginning to slow as he grows tired.

“Dumbass.” He avoids my face because that would mean Mom would know we got into a fight. Even if it isn’t a fight since I’m not exchanging his swings with ones of my own, but it’s always been our rule. We can fight all we want as long as we avoid the face. “Stupid, immature, little fucker.” I wince at the impact of his punch to my ribs where I’m sure it’s already starting to bruise from an earlier, stronger swing.

I take it.

I take every single one as a punishment. It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized my mistake. I shouldn’t have left Angie the way I did. I panicked, falling back to my old ways of handling things after sex even after I vowed this time would be different.

I thought I would leave and give her space while I took some time to think of something grand to prove to her she isn’t like any of the women in my past.

Instead, I majorly fucked up by leaving. I can’t even imagine how upset she was when she woke up. It probably looked like just what I was tryingnotto make it look like. Because after her resisting me, finally giving in, and the mind-blowing sex, I’m far from having just a one-night stand with her.

I want more. So fucking much more.

So I let my brother wail on me because I messed it up.

“You fucked up, asshole.” He steps away from me finally, chest heaving from exerting himself. It’s been years since he gave me a beating and a first for me not fighting back. “You aren’t twenty anymore, Chase.”

“I know.” I wince as I lean against one of the four-wheelers. “I know.”

“Then quit acting like it.” Leaning against his own, he wipes his face. My brother may work hard on the ranch, but he’s far from being in the shape needed to give me a beating anymore. “Grow up and learn the shit you pull effects and hurts the women you do this to.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her.” We are just guessing here, but I’m pretty positive I hurt Angie by leaving. And to make things worse, Valerie told me she was picking Ridge up today because he had an appointment, so I won’t get a chance to make my amends.

“But you did. What the hell, Chase?” He takes off his hat and runs a hand through his hair. “We were raised the same. How could you be so different when it comes to women than me?”

“I don’t know any other way.” It’s weak because he makes a great point. He had a few girlfriends who lasted, but nothing as strong as his connection with Valerie.

“That’s a lame as fuck excuse,” he groans.

I did a lot of thinking yesterday and came to realize something. I relied far too much on my looks and the general female population who wanted me for too long. Another was always available, so there was no need to stay focused on the one I had at the time.

I’ve been horrible and plan on correcting the errors of my way, starting with Angie.

“What do you want me to say, Will? I know I’m fucked up. I don’t know why I’m this way.” And that’s the truth.

“You have good examples all around you. Dad has always been great to Mom. You saw it growing up, and when I started seeing Val. Hell, even when you’re around Duke and Holt now. Examples of how to do the right things with a relationship surround you.”

“So you want me to clone what you guys did?”

“No.” He sighs with a shake of his head. “I’m not saying that. I’m trying to tell you to follow what we did as a guideline but do it in your own way. Talk to Duke. Patience was in a bad place when he came back. I’m sure he’ll help you on how to work with a stubborn woman.”

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