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A million thoughts passed through my head at that moment. Could I? Would I? Did I want to? I knew all I had to say was okay, and he’d turn his fancy car around and be at my frontdoor. But I couldn’t. I needed to think, but he’d scrambled my thoughts.
My hesitation caused him to laugh it off a moment later. But the seed had been planted. I didn’t say yes that night, but I considered it.
And it was all I thought about for weeks afterward. What kind of person was I? What kind of person did I want to be? The temptation was there, hovering, like a forbidden apple. There was one last line that hadn’t been crossed. The physical one. Other than the one time he’d groped me in the middle of the clinic, we had never intimately touched. We never went beyond a hug goodbye or the graze of our hands in the operating room.
He had been breaking me apart a little at a time while I wasn’t looking.
And a piece of me had died that night. The part that was naive and sheltered. The girl I once had been no longer existed. And now, I didn’t know who I was. With those six words, he had stolen my peace. He’d made me question my integrity. One more step, one more line crossed, and I’d be ruined.
But part of me—the traitorous part—wanted to take that leap for the temporary high it promised.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
WILLOW
I read over my updated résumé one last time before attaching it to the email. I press Send. I lean back in my chair and look out the windows at the pond glimmering in the sunshine. My mind continues to work overtime as I absentmindedly watch the scenery.
I’ve taken a couple days for myself, spending it alone. Zane has business to attend to anyway. And I need space from him, a chance to catch my breath. I can’t seem to focus on anything other than him when we’re together. We went from zero to ninety. As exciting and great as it’s been, it’s also been overwhelming. I took a step back so I could decompress from the intensity of it all. I’ve fallen fast and hard for the snowboarder, and as much as I’ve enjoyed the short time we’ve spent together, it’s been consuming at the same time. He has my head spinning. And I don’t know what I want out of this. Out of us.
The first day away from him, I took time to go on a solo hike, losing myself in nature in the process. Yesterday, I drove to the lodge inside the national park and had lunch there. I sat outside and gazed at the mountain range in the distance. I read a book. Inearly devoured the entire thing in one sitting. And I slept alone in my bed.
I’ve also started searching for a new job. I haven’t heard from Dr. Cooper, and at this point, I don’t know if I ever will. I broke down and sent him a text, asking if I am expected back at the end of my vacation or if I need to start seriously looking for a new job. He hasn’t responded yet.
I walked to my favorite coffee shop this morning—one that I now know Zane partly owns. I brought my laptop inside, and when Nadia asked what I was working on, I told her I was job hunting. As the conversation continued, one thing led to another, and she mentioned that the urgent care over near the ski lodge was looking for a new mid-level practitioner. That’s the beauty of living in a small town—everyone knows everything that’s happening. Although I guess it can be a curse at the same time. Nadia gave me the name of the place, and I googled it. I contacted the office manager while I was still drinking my morning latte and gathered information about the place. The urgent care was excited at the possibility of getting a physician assistant with orthopedic experience since there were plenty of bone and joint injuries so close to the slopes.
I’ve never seriously entertained the notion of staying in Sullivan’s Way, but with this new job prospect, who knows? I love this small mountain town. I love the people here. And then there’s Zane …
Zane and I have been communicating. He asked me if we were still on to go camping this afternoon. I said yes and that I’m looking forward to it. This day or two away from him has been needed, but I must admit, I miss those intense blue eyes. I had that moment where I felt overwhelmed by my feelings for him, how fast we fell, and the uncertainty of where we were headed. In the past, a freak-out like that would usually sendme running scared in the other direction. But with Zane, I find myself running back toward him instead. It’s a weird feeling, one I haven’t experienced before. But part of me fears that I’m one hundred percent invested in the snowboarder and whatever this relationship might bring. It’s scary and thrilling, all at once. For the first time in my life, I want to dive in headfirst and see where it takes me.
I spend the rest of the morning reading a new book and letting the sun warm my skin on the back porch. The moose hasn’t been back to the pond again as far as I know, but I keep looking for him. They tend to frequent the same locations, so I’m betting he’s around here somewhere, just out of sight.
I shower and stuff the larger backpack that Zane left with me the other day when he dropped me off at my place. Zane’s taking care of the food and tent. This is my first official campout, sleeping on the ground. It’s another new adventure with a gorgeous man at my side, showing me the ropes. He’s so capable and outdoorsy that I feel completely comfortable about camping overnight with him.
Zane picks me up in the afternoon, and we drive to Spring Lake again. The campsite is reached by hiking a trail from the lake area. We park in the same lot that we did the other day when we went paddleboarding. Zane helps me strap my pack to my back and handles his with ease even though it’s twice as heavy as mine. And then we’re off.
“There aren’t many people here,” I say, looking around the mostly empty lot.
“It’s the beginning of a workweek for most,” he says. “And all the weekenders are gone by now.”
I nod and start walking next to him when the trail is wide enough. The beginning of the hike is easy. It’s a dirt path that’ssmooth and flat and winds around the lake. We cross a long log bridge, and the trail narrows on the other side, inclining at the base of the mountain. We move to single file.
“It’s straight up for a while,” Zane says from behind me. “If you need a break, let me know.”
“Okay,” I say.
We walk in silence for a block or two before he speaks again.
“What have you been up to the past couple of days?”
I pull myself and my pack up a rocky incline, turning the corner when I see the sign guiding us upward and to the right. “I went to the lodge for lunch yesterday. I hiked over at Shelly Lake the day before that.” That’s a lake nearby with easy, well-populated hiking trails. “I read some of my bleeding-heart books too.”
“Any good smut in those stories?” I sense his smile behind me.
“Tons. And I’ve been hunting for a new job.”
“Really?” he asks. I can hear the surprise in that one word. “Why?”
“I think it’s time for a change. I haven’t been all that happy at my current position for a while now.”
