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Lifting my head, I look out over the hills where they stand. The third is tall and light blue. Hand-like features hang at their sides, the eyes are black as night, and as they walk closer, the colours change through the trees. It's camouflaging against each background it walks through.
My breath catches in my throat. Life wasn’t the worst thing I was living. At least they were in my head there. Now I have to face them head-on alone. Sebastian crosses my mind again. For the billionth time, I know it was self-induced, but the pain of leaving him behind is the only thing that I know is real here, and I hang onto it tightly to keep myself half sane.
“Can you see yours?” Sid asks me. Both of them have slumped down against the tree with me.
“Yeah, they are fucking terrifying. I don’t know how I’m supposed to fight them. I wasn’t able to fight it in life.”
“Me either, but at least I only see one giant beast.” He sounds hopeful, and I think I’m more fucked than I thought.
“I have two, but they aren’t huge. I don’t know what I’ll do either, Marla.” Rhile grips my hand and I’m reminded of Jess, who I didn’t even ask about, but since she didn’t pull the trigger, I’m assuming she isn’t here.
We all sit and watch people run, flashes of colour from their shirts or pants as they run from the demons that are trackingthem. My ears fill with sorrowful cries, and tortured whimpers surround us, as do screams of horror. It will be something that takes a while to get used to.
It feels like months, but it could be years since that day at the tree when we learned the truth about where we are. Sometimes I run into Sid or Rhile, but rarely. I’ve made some other friends, but I spend most of my time running. The first week, my demons cornered me. Up close they are even more terrifying and the way their voices can lure you to salvation or destroy you is haunting.
“Your soul is ours,” they often tell me. It makes me feel like I never had a choice in the matter, that I would have never gotten the help because there wasn’t any help for me. As if my fate was always to end up here, being tracked by the demons from my mind.
After an altercation with my camouflaging demon left me ripped to shreds, I healed within days. It means they can bring us within an inch of the end and wait for us to recover before we are healed enough to fight again. It’s like dying a painful death over and over. Maybe it’s exactly what I deserved. I did some shitty things on Earth, I broke the only person I’ve ever loved. The memory of Sebastian never leaves me. With each beat of my heart I’m reminded of his love, of the taco dates, of the way I felt laying on his chest.
I lay on the ground where I first came to this realm, under a set of trees whose branches look like they could eviscerate my skin.Iknow the monsters are close. I can feel them. The tallest one with the longest fingers can reach me from here, often planting thoughts inside my head, telling me I’m not good enough, and that I don’t deserve to be here. Much like on Earth, my mind isn’t a very nice place. I long for the day this ends, or I lose my mind completely.
“What in the fucking hell is this horseshit?” I hear someone yell from behind the trees. I leap up and follow the cursing voice because it might be him. Sebastian might be here.
Sometimes my demons like to play tricks and lead me to his voice, but as I continue through the brush, feeling the agony of the thorns that are as big as my hand rip through my skin, I make it to a different clearing. At the bottom of the hill, there is a set of trees that aren’t as distorted as the ones I just left. The air leaves my lungs as I stare at the figure on the ground. I’m inching closer, terrified it’s a trick. I lean down to look into his face.
“Sebastian?”
Thirty-One
Sebastian
She is exactly as I remember. Her hair is a little ruffled and messy and she seems to be bleeding. As I look up into her hazel eyes I know it’s her. “I told you I’d always find you, my dove.”
She crawls to me, collapsing onto my chest, and I wrap my arms around her. I lay on my back as her grip tightens around my neck, her lips connect with mine. I return her kiss just as fiercely.
“I love you.” The words from her lips are everything I’ve been needing. Everything will be just fine, I think. As I look around, I wonder how true that is, but as long as I’m with her, nothing else matters.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Sebastian. I just couldn’t tell you how I was feeling, and I needed to escape my mind. Wait, how are you here?”
“What do you mean? I died. I’m here. Isn’t that how this works?”
Her eyes dart around the area we are in. “Can you see your shadow demons yet?”
I glance around but see nothing but a hazy red and orange sky. “I assumed this was hell.” I’ve done enough bad things to make it here on a one-way ticket.
“No, it’s not. This is the Cavum Terra. You come here when you kill yourself. It’s been fucking crazy, scary, and I’ve just been holding onto the pain I felt for losing you.” I think over my actions, remembering getting the gun from Mr. Sharp and what came next. I purse my lips and nod.
“Well? What did you do?” I roll her over onto her back, while I stay on my side to stroke her hair, my thumb caressing her cheek and wiping away the tears that have fallen.
“The night I came home and you were gone, my heart was done for. My mind couldn’t function. After I laid with you for days, time ceased to exist, but I had to have a purpose in my life. So I called Mr. Sharp. He gave me gun lessons and taught me how to shoot with accuracy. The following day, I drove to the mental health centre. Wait, is Jess here?” Her eyes close and she shakes her head.
“Anyone who’s died naturally or was killed isn’t here. I don’t get to see my best friend again, or my grandparents, but at least I exist in a place without my mother.”
My lip curls on one side in a half smile. My heart breaks for her, but I’m glad she isn’t eternally damned to her mother.
“You laid with me after? What did you do at the mental health centre?” Her eyes open and she looks at me.
“I did. I pulled you out of the tub, brought you to bed and laid with you until I felt you would probably be mad at me. Then I buried you in the backyard with your favourite flowers.” Her hand on my cheek brings me closer to her. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a tall, wide shadow. As I attempt a closer look, nothing is there.
