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I’ll admit, it triggered me when she turned and walked away. My mind went into overdrive. I may be on the anxiety pill, and sure, it’s helping—as is therapy—but it doesn’t stop that anxiety, especially when it revolves around my biggest fears. Like Amelia shutting down on me. But proving we both still have things to work on, my anxiety reaction was unnecessary since she turned around a few seconds later.
It was scary in the moment, but these little tests of our relationship aren’t a bad thing. They build it stronger each time we choose to be open and connect with each other. Rae’s words about building a relationship come back to me.
People and relationships are complicated. You don’t magically get a good one. You have to work at it.
I was afraid of what that work would be, but now that we’re doing it, I’m proud. Knowing that we’re making our relationship stronger and healthier every day? That’s special, and it’s something not everyone does. I’m proud of the work we’re doing on ourselves and for our relationship, but I’m also proud of our love—and how worthy it is to fight for.
“We’re still learning,” I say, rubbing my hands down her back. “Even on meds, my anxiety isn’t magically better. I felt that spike. Last night, I was up thinking through everything in the nursery and whether we have what we need. Then I went down a rabbit hole researching the best things to pack in your bag for when we go to the hospital, which led to me digging out the pregnancy books and reading all the chapters about the last month, labor, delivery, and postpartum care. My one win was that I avoided the topics about serious complications and conditions.”
She laughs. “See? We’re both making progress.”
“Slow and steady, right?”
“Exactly. So, where did you end up on the mental nursery inventory? Think we have everything?”
“In my current calm space, I know we have far more than we’ll ever need. I’m not sure why I was so focused on the nursery since she’ll be in our room for a few months anyway.”
“It’s still her space. It’s a celebration of her. I want to read to her in there and do tummy time, and… have a space where nothing else exists but her.”
I lean down and kiss her. “That sounds perfect.”
“Can we go look at it again?” she whispers.
I chuckle at that. She’s obsessed with Emmie’s nursery, and I’ve noticed her sneaking in there at random times, like she can’t stay away. We put the finishing touches on it a couple of nights ago, and I have to admit, it’s perfect. It’s warm and cozy and already full of love.
I grab her hand and lead her across the hall and into the nursery. When I flick the light on, excitement rushes through me. Soon Emmie is going to be here, in my arms.
Amelia lets go of my hand and walks around, touching the furniture and picking up stuffed animals before she walks over to the wall where the crib will eventually be. She traces her hand over the words there.
The uncertainty of life is magic.
Stars surround the words written in a dark gray-blue. It stands out against the light gray walls with light pink and dusty violet accents.
I walk over and wrap my arms around her from behind, resting my head on her shoulder.
“I don’t want to know,” she says.
“About what?”
“The test. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to take the magic away from life and our future by worrying about what might happen one day. I want to live the life my dad would’ve wanted for me. I think that’s what my mom would want too. And I don’t think she ever would’ve wanted to know this is where her future would’ve taken her.” She spins around, looking up into my eyes. “I’m going to cherish you and our daughter and the life we build together, no matter what. That’s what matters to me.”
Wrapping a hand around the side of her neck, I lean down and press my lips into hers.
Only she can light my heart on fire like this.
“Love you.”
“Love you too,” she whispers, resting her head against my chest.
“C’mon, sweetness. Let’s get some sleep.”
She nods and I wrap an arm around her, guiding her out of the room. Before I turn off the light, I look back at those words. There’s a truckload of uncertainty coming our way soon, but with Emmie joining our family, there will be plenty of magic too.
Chapter five
Come Out Now
Miles
