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“I’m just… here,” I laugh. Sort of. Laughing feels strange now too. Okay, little girl, this is your final notice. It’s time to get out.
He leans down and kisses my head. “You carried our baby for nine months, all while dealing with trauma, loss, and pain that no one should have to experience. Then you went through labor like a champ and now you’re waiting to have your body cut open to bring her into this world. You’re a literal superhuman, Ames. I’m in awe of you. If I could do any of this for you, I would, but all I can do is stand here and hold your hand. Squeeze as hard as you can whenever it feels weird or uncomfortable—”
“Not painful, though,” the anesthesiologist cuts in. “Tell me if you feel any pain.”
“Trust me, I will,” I say, to which Miles laughs.
Miles looks down at my stomach one last time before they put the curtain up that blocks my view of them cutting me open. Thank God. Some women want a clear curtain. Not me. Lift her up and show me when she comes out. I don’t need to see my guts hanging out.
I give his hand a tiny squeeze and take another deep breath. It’s a little more uncomfortable to breathe now, but it’s manageable.
“Thanks for being the hand I want to hold through this. And everything,” I say to Miles.
“I will walk through every second of this life with your hand in mine. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
We’re sharing a quick kiss when the doctors walk in. Apparently two are needed for a C-section. My doctor and another, who is apparently a general surgeon. Fun. Two people get to see my insides. Well, plus the nurses. So, let’s make that four.
Seriously, kid, it’s time to get out.
My doctor comes to the edge of the little divider curtain of the top and bottom halves of my body and tells us they’re ready to begin.
“You’ll feel pressure as we cut in. When we pull her out, we’ll lift her up so you can see, then Dad, if you’d like, you can cut the cord.”
“I’d love to,” Miles says, and even though I know he’s freaking out about that, he remains cool as a cucumber. A time when his compartmentalization skills are extremely helpful.
The doctor continues explaining, then finally it’s time to rip my body open.
I squeeze Miles’s hand a little tighter, and he looks down at me.
“I want to enjoy this, but really, I’m ready for it to be over.”
“Soon. She’ll be screaming at us before you know it.”
My heart beats harder. She’s almost here.
Being cut into isn’t actually as strange a feeling as I thought it would be, but once they have me fully opened up, the weirdest sensation so far happens, like all the blood in my body is in my head. My nose clogs. My eyes are watering. What the actual hell? I try to breathe deep, but the best I can do is a weird mouth-breathing pattern like I have a cold.
The anesthesiologist checks in with me and reassures me I’m doing fine.
Miles has been mostly staring at me, but occasionally glances over the curtain—because of course he’s tall enough to see over it—to see what’s happening. This time when he does it, his eyes widen and fill with pure joy.
And then I hear it.
An ear-piercing scream.
Emmie Hyun-Hansen is in the house. Or hospital, but she’s here. Nine months of chaos with this incredible man I didn’t even know this time last year, and here we are. All three of us.
The curtain drops slightly and I finally see our beautiful, wriggling, screaming baby girl with her head of brown hair.
Tears flow down my cheeks, and when Miles turns back to me, he’s crying too. He leans down and kisses me. “You did incredible.”
“Ready, Dad?” the doctor asks, and then he hands Miles scissors and instructs him where to cut.
“Holy shit,” he whispers once he’s done his duty and handed the scissors back. I laugh, but then the best thing happens. The nurse walks over with Emmie in her hands, and holds her tiny head out toward me.
I’m a goner. Head over heels, crazy in love with her. I kiss her head as Miles watches in awe, then they take her to the warming table to do her measurements while they close me up. All the discomfort fades as I turn and watch. She’s still crying, but not as loudly, and wriggling like crazy.
