AllFreeNovel
Share Us
So I stand still, my gaze averted, until Birdie and Grandad look at me.
“Is there anything you want to say to Mom?” my sister asks.
A flash of dizziness passes through me. I close my eyes and shake my head.
The things I have bottled up inside are not the kind of things you say to a celebrated woman, much less to a grassy patch of ground that is all that’s left of her. I want to say things like the fact that she taught me to control my emotions, but not how to safely express them. I can’t find a release valve because my mom didn’t help me build one into the vault of my emotions.
She never got to see me as a full, healthy adult. In that regard, she let me down.
Instead, Mom left this world with so many things between us unsaid. Perhaps she thought she would have more time. But she didn’t, and now I’m standing here, staring at her grave, struggling with loss.
And because I am so flawed, I picked a man to love who can’t even stand here beside me while I try to grapple with the emotional fallout. Cole let me down too.
It’s not really his fault, though.
No one can carry the burden of my bitter, sour feelings. That’s why I stuff them down, deep into the hole where emotions go.
My grandfather startles me by rubbing my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” he asks carefully.
No. I’m drowning. But I can’t force my burden onto him.
I force a smile and say the line that everyone expects from me. “I’m fine!”
“Come on.” Grandad’s touch is gentle as he guides me to his car. “How about we go to Gem’s Diner for a slice of pie?”
I bleat an unexpected laugh.
“Mom did love their pie,” I say. Tears appear unbidden at the corners of my eyes. If they spring forth, they’ll ruin the day by making everyone else sad.
It’s my responsibility to carry this weight in silence. I breathe in and out until I am under control again.
Birdie, meanwhile, stares out the window. She seems hollow and fragile right now. Grandad remains stoic. I clear my throat and make conversation, talking about anything, grasping for a distraction. For some reason, I think of taking rides in his car as kids. Birdie would sit in the front seat and jabber about whatever was going on in her life. And me?
I was left in the back seat, looking out the window, and daydreaming. Distantly, I wonder if that girl saw me now, what would she think? Would she recognize me? Or would she still be caught up in her thoughts and unable to express them?
Checking my phone, I see no missed calls or texts. I’m not expecting to hear anything from Cole, but a tiny flicker of hope that still lived in my chest dims. I know it’s crazy to imagine him striding up to the gravesite and folding me into his arms, but that’s exactly what I was hoping would happen the whole time I stood there. I wanted him to surprise me, to want me in all ways, not just in bed. No, I didn’t want to, I needed to. But I can’t say it.
I clutch my phone against my chest and stare blankly out the window.
“Sav.” At the sound of Birdie’s voice, I float back down from orbiting the moon. With a start, I recognize the parking lot at Gem’s.
I get out of the car mechanically. Birdie takes me by the hand, squeezes my fingers gently, and gives me a small smile.
“The cemetery was tough, huh?”
For a second, my mind is completely blank. I was focused on where my not-boyfriend is and why Cole hasn’t texted me today. My cheeks burn bright red.
“Uh… yeah,” I answer lamely. “It was.”
Birdie wraps me in her arms and hugs me tight. I bring my hands up to mirror the embrace. One thing I’ll say about Birdie is that she gives really wonderful hugs.
Letting her lead me through the front door of Gem’s, I look around with a sigh.
The owner, Gem, sticks her head out of the back when we come in. Gem is an older woman of fifty-some years with gorgeous caramel skin, dark eyes, a raven mane of hair. A chef’s apron seems permanently attached to her petite body. She spies my Grandad and lights up.
“Karl!” She hustles over and shoos us toward the first open booth. “Good to see you, papi. And you girls! You both look like fashion models.”
