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Even though I know physically he is not Vince, my body knows no different, especially since they’re a mirror image of one another. Some part of me knows Casen is safe, yet I can't seem to bring myself to act out of habit. You don't realize the habits you develop in that sort of environment, a subconscious skill set for navigating a minefield. It's like being institutionalized, confined within invisible walls. Your body learns before your mind does; a raised hand makes you flinch, a sudden movement sends adrenaline coursing through your veins. Even the slightest touch, which should be a source of comfort, becomes tainted with a visceral fear because the only touch you've known for so long has been a violent one.
Casen, seeming to sense my unease, changes the subject, thankfully.
“I ordered another bed, I can't sleep in Casey's tiny bed, I feel like I'm going to break it,” Casen chuckles.
“I can sleep in there with Casey, it's fine,” I tell him.
“You and Casey can have your beds back.”
“I don't mind, I'd offer to sleep on the couch, but it is currently in pieces,” I laugh nervously. Casen stares at me for a second, and I swallow, wondering if I said the wrong thing?
“Rose, I ordered another bed, it will arrive this afternoon,” Casen says slowly.
Tension ripples through me, under his gaze. “I should go iron Casey's dress,” I tell him, getting to my feet when he grabs my wrist, tugging me to him.
I brace myself out of habit, getting ready to defuse the situation, knowing I have eyes on me. Slipping the mask back into place, it’s astonishing how after time, it does not remain a mask, it becomes another persona, another version of you, until eventually, it becomes you.
Casen pulls me down a step and pulls me down in front of him until I'm sitting between his legs. “I'm not Vince, you don't need to hide from me,” Casen whispers. “You don't need to fear me, Rose. Just be you, you're free now, I won't let him hurt you,” he tells me.
Free... to be me?
“I know that,” I murmur while I ponder who I am? I feel Poppy is also questioning his words. Has Vince really destroyed us so badly that he eroded away any sense of self we had left. Have we merely turned into creatures of habit? Freedom was something we craved but never saw ourselves actually getting.
What is freedom when all you’ve known is emotional whiplash? I now realize I've become conditioned to equate love with fear, intimacy with danger. Leaving that environment feels like stepping out of one prison only to realize you're still shackled by another—your own learned behaviors, your own ingrained fears.
The world outside might have changed, but your internal world is still a haunted place, where every act of kindness is scrutinized, every expression of love held up against a painful history of betrayal.
So how do I be me, when I have no idea who that is anymore? I feel so lost.
“I can feel the cogs turning in your mind, just be Rose, that is all. Nothing is expected of you, nothing is coming for you. Just be, Rose, we'll figure out the rest,” Casen assures me, yet it does not lessen my tumultuous thoughts.
I nod my head, shocking myself when I lean back against him. It helps that Poppy's influence is behind the action. Her reassurance, resolving some of the conflict that tells me to do the opposite.
“I'm sorry, Rose. I should have come back sooner,” Casen whispers, and I peer up at him over my shoulder to find him staring down at my neck where his mark lays.
“You don't need to apologize, Casen, I was the one that rejected you. None of this is your fault,” I remind him. It's not his fault, it is mine. Shamefully so, and I let it continue, driven by fear and also my own naive thoughts. I was so young, I thought the mate bond would kick in, and he would change, until I was eventually in too deep, eventually I saw no way out. The shame of my own weakness, I know, will forever haunt me.
I thought I was protecting her, protecting my daughter, protecting my pack, protecting my mother. But when did I stop protecting myself? The what ifs will forever haunt me, but I also know I will learn to live with them, if Vince taught me anything it's that I am adaptable, I can adapt to my environment.
We sit there in silence, and I feel like I can breathe, but part of me wonders for how long. Seeing a car pull up, I shake myself out of my own head.
“Finally,” Casen sighs. I peer up to see Aunty Kat's car pulling in, and I swallow guiltily. I usually avoid her, only now I realize how badly I wish she'd seen me. But I know her hands are tied. Sure, she would have untied them had I truly let her know, and that would have had consequences.
I know things have been strained between my parents and her; I've heard my parents on the phone to her when they thought I wasn't there. I know how much I broke them while Vince broke me. Yet enduring him was always better than the alternative, at least I thought it was. But now, seeing how badly everyone wanted to help but couldn't, makes me wonder if it truly was the only choice.
I hated hearing my father beg her to step in. So I tried to avoid her mostly. I know what it’s like to be torn between acting or surrendering. Sometimes surrendering is the best solution, especially when it's not just your life you're gambling with.
Casen gets to his feet, and I do the same when I see the rear door open up and Eziah steps out, followed by a girl. Only as I move closer, following behind Casen, do I recognize her and immediately I stop.
ChapterFifty-Five
Rose
Casen, noticing my hesitation through the bond, also stops and looks at me questionably. “Rose?”
“She can't be here,” I murmur.
Casen tilts his head, looking at me for a second. “Who can't be?”
