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"The best kid," I agreed. "Fuck, this is going to suck."
"Let's step out on the porch," he offered. "Maybe a change of scenery will help."
He stood up and I followed him out, the ghost of his hand on my lower back as we walked out. We spent plenty of time in high school sitting here, and it did help a little to have that familiarity.
I’d been practicing what I’d been wanting to say to him for years, and now it was finally time. I’d come this far, there was no turning back now.
"Look, I'm going to just dive in," I said. "I'm sorry, Cole. It's all my fault. We just spent my heat together and were both exhausted. I convinced you to let me drive, and..." My words broke away on a sob, and I had to take a few breaths to finish. "I ruined everything for you."
"No," he said, shaking his head. It sounded convincing but I wasn't done.
"I could feel your anger, Cole. You hated me and I deserved it," I whispered.
His expression shattered, and he dropped to his knees in front of me, hands on my thighs.
"No, Shortcake, you've got it wrong."
"I felt it," I reminded him.
It was those feelings coursing through the bond that had stopped me from reaching out so many times, and it was why I couldn’t stop him from leaving. I was the one responsible, and I had to bear the consequences of that.
"Okay, I was angry. So fucking angry," he admitted. "But never at you."
"How can you say that?" I demanded brokenly. "We both know I did this."
"No, Shortcake, you didn't. It was just an accident, someone t-boned the car on my side, and I always knew that. Yes, I was angry, but it was because I'd lost my scholarship, and my leg was fucked up. My life was pure pain for those weeks in physical therapy. My career was gone and I couldn't provide for you. What kind of alpha can’t provide for their omega? You deserved so much better. You deserved the life I’d promised when we bonded and then suddenly I couldn’t give that to you. During those first few weeks... all I could feel was your disgust and how sad you were.”
“Cole–”
He shook his head, tears shining in his eyes. “I knew I couldn’t put you through the long grueling process they were telling me it would take for me to walk normally again. You have a good heart, Summer, the best I’ve ever met, and I knew you’d stay by my side no matter how you truly felt, and I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t make you suffer right alongside me.”
My heart shattered even further at his words. Maybe this is why so many people talked about first loves so ideologically and with a juvenile aire. Sure, we’d been high school sweethearts, but we’d fallen victim to the same problem that plagued so many packs and couples today. Communication.
Cole cupped my face, his thumb brushing away the tears that were streaming down my face. I leaned into his touch, drawing more strength from it.
"The disgust was at myself. I watched you suffer because of me," I whispered through the pain. "I was devastated you were leaving, but how could I fucking ask you to stay when I was the one who did that to you. You already hated me... or so I thought."
He let out a small, humorless laugh. "We're a pair, aren't we."
Cole held me for a moment before slowly getting up and moving to the seat next to me. He offered me one hand as his other hand began rubbing his right leg mindlessly. I threaded my fingers through his and started gently swinging.
"When I came back home I started therapy," he said as he gazed off into the night. Cole was right, being out here helped the conversation, we didn't just have to sit and stare at each other as we spoke out our darkest memories. "My therapist helped me realize that I couldn’t change the accident, but I could change how I responded to it. I had forgiven myself for not being able to pursue my career, but I never forgave myself for leaving you. About nine months in I tried to find you. After those first three months, the bond had grown quiet and it was such a change, but then all of a sudden I could feel it again and your pain hit me so hard."
"I'm guessing I was in the hospital in labor," I said, remembering how scared I’d been even with Grandma Beatty there.
"I have no idea how long I drove around that town, but I never found you. You weren’t at our old place and the school had no idea. We weren’t even pack at that point, but I scared the guys half to death when I took off. Finally Beatty put her foot down and told me you were alright, and I needed to get my shit together," he explained.
"You deserved to know about Theo," I said, giving him a reprieve from speaking and owning my own mistakes. "I should have tried harder to find your number when I realized yours had changed. Honestly, I was a coward. I thought you hated me and I didn't want our son growing up with that. It took a while for me to realize that it was my own doubts getting to me and that you were a good man. When Theo started asking about you, I knew I had to come home and make things right."
“We can, Summer,” he said, squeezing my hand tighter. “I won’t lie to you, part of me was upset that I missed so much already, that you didn’t give me a chance to be there for him. But honestly, all I felt was relief to see you again, and awe that we created something so special together. I like to think that all this time I’ve spent working on myself has made me stronger in a lot of ways, and I’m glad I got to meet Theo as this version of myself and not put him through everything I went through to get here.”
His words settled something inside me, the fear that he’d never get past the fact that I’d kept such a substantial secret. I knew it would take time for it to sink in that he hadn’t been angry. Thankfully, I’d already made a tele appointment with the therapist I’d seen after I’d had Theo, who had helped me work through the guilt enough to know I needed to come back.
“I’m glad you're in his life now,” I said. “We can figure everything out. We always said it was us against the world.”
I took a deep inhale of his sharp basil and lime scent, letting it center me in the way it had many times before. We were scent-matched, and it always seemed to work like magic.
"Theo comes first, and I know that," he said, gently shifting my head with a finger on my chin, so I would look at him. "But can we try again? A fresh start?”
