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So, I get home, pee on the stick . . . and it’s positive.
Shit. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
There’s another test in the box. I pace around my little apartment for a few minutes, as if that will somehow make any difference whatsoever, and try again.
Still positive.
I throw my head back and wail.
“Are you fucking serious right now? God, the universe, Yahweh, whoever the fuck is up there, can you just give me a goddamn break? Please?”
I remember what the lawyer said about a clean slate. So much for that now. I’ve got permanent marker on my slate now, in the form of a baby. A baby fathered by my husband, a man I don’t even know and can barely remember sleeping with.
I open the fridge and see a half-empty bottle of wine. I’m halfway through pouring a glass when I realize . . . I can’t drink. Grumbling, I tip the rest of the bottle down the sink.
I pace around for a few minutes more, my mind racing, and then pick up the phone. I should give Claire a call. She’s the only one with actual knowledge of the situation, the only one I can talk to.
A few rings, and she picks up.
“Hey, Tess, babe! How’s it going? Did you go see that lawyer yet? What did he say?”
I’m silent for a few moments, then I blurt it out. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?” A pause. An uncertain giggle. “You’re shitting me.”
I squeeze my temples, my tension headache not getting any better. “I can assure you that I am absolutely not shitting you. I’m the opposite of shitting you. Claire, what the hell am I going to do?”
She lets out a lengthy exhale. “Well, this is a bit of a pickle you’ve managed to get yourself into, isn’t it? Don’t you normally use protection when you’re banging someone you just met? I mean, I know he was technically your husband and all, but…”
“I mean, we both know I wasn’t making good decisions that night, so let’s just skip the whole protection lecture, okay? I heard enough of that in high school. At this point, let’s take it as an established fact that I was making terrible, awful decisions that night. And they’re coming back to bite me right in the ass.”
“Okay. Don’t freak out,” she says slowly. I get the feeling she’s trying to calm herself down instead of me. “Let’s run through your options. The marriage annulment is already in progress, right?”
I tell her what the lawyer said, and how I just need to wait a couple more weeks for the residency requirements here in Colorado before I can start the process.
“Okay. That’s good,” she says. “So that’s going to be dealt with. So now it’s just the baby.”
Just the baby. Claire’s talking as if it’s a detail barely worth mentioning. Oh, it’s not a big deal at all, ha-ha, it’s just the baby.
She pauses for a moment, and I know what she’s going to say.
“Have you thought about . . .” She trails off, not wanting to say the actual words.
“I can’t,” I say firmly. “No way. Not after last time, with Gio. I just can’t. Getting rid of the baby is absolutely not an option.”
“Are you sure, babe?” Claire’s voice is kind.
“Yeah.”
“You’ve only just found out, right? Maybe take a few days to think on it and make sure that’s what you want. If you really want to cut ties with Luke Alder forever . . .” Claire falls silent mid-sentence like she often does when a random thought strikes her. “What if he wants to be a part of the kid’s life?”
I consider her words. It’s not like the same thought hasn’t crossed my mind. “He doesn’t need to know about the baby. I can take care of it by myself and still have that clean break.”
Claire’s silent. I know she doesn’t agree with me, but she doesn’t want to upset me. Which is great. I don’t need a fight with my best friend on top of all my other problems.
“Look, Tess,” she eventually says, in her serious voice. “You really need to take some time to consider your options here. Don’t go rushing into anything rash, and don’t make up your mind without thinking things through.”
She’s right. I have time. Even if I disagree with what she thinks I should do, her reminder eases my anxiety somewhat.
“You know I’m always here for you, no matter what.” Claire doesn’t miss a beat before adding, “I can get Daddy to book you another flight out here if you need?”
“That’s really sweet of you,” I say, a smile playing on my lips because that was just a very Claire thing to say. Some things haven’t changed, even if I feel like my whole world has turned upside down.
“I know.”
“But I’m still planning on starting my new job next week. I can’t let this get in the way. I’ll just have to somehow deal with all of . . .” I can hear the fear and uncertainty in my own words, and my voice trails off.
