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“Where did this happen?” Caleb asked.
“Cabin in the woods.”
“But where?” Caleb insisted.
She cast him a long look. “Who the fuck cares, Caleb?” Then she turned to Jimmy. “So the bottom line here, Jimmy, is I guess you’ve got more pros than cons for doing it. But I hope you won’t. Especially if you care about them having to watch and clean up after. ‘Cause that’s a really shitty thing that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else. But you can cross me off your list. I’m going to bed. I’m tired. If you’re not here in the morning, I’m sorry you lost your leg and the future you wanted.”
Hayley turned and walked back the way she had come. In the silence they all heard the soft snick of the bedroom door being closed.
Easy rubbed his hand over his face. “I didn’t know,” he said out loud then looked up at Chris, pleadingly. “I didn’t know!” he insisted. “Rough!” he cried. “You said to be nice to her because she’d had it rough! You didn’t say rape! You didn’t say murder! You didn’t-” His voice caught. “You didn’t say shallow grave.” Jimmy stood up as quickly as his prosthetic would allow. “Jesus. Oh Jesus I fought with her over the paint! I had her down on the ground! I put my hands on her!”
He started toward the bedroom after Hayley, but Doc cut him off and grabbed his arm. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn’t know. You didn’t hurt her. It’s time to go home, Jimmy.”
Jimmy looked pained as his gaze went from the hallway to Doc and back again. “But-”
Doc shook his head. “No. Not tonight. It’s enough tonight.”
As Doc led Jimmy out the front door, Jimmy looked back over his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said, miserably. “Chris, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“None of us did,” Doc told him quietly as the door closed behind them.
Chris was still in shock when Tex picked up the overturned chair and righted it. “Just go to her,” his friend said quietly. “We’ll see you tomorrow. Just be with her now.”
Hawk placed a large hand on Chris’s shoulder as he made his way past and out the front door with Tex right behind him. Chris watched as the door closed.
He found Hayley sitting on the bed, with Pepper in her lap. She didn’t look at him when he came into the room. He shut the door quietly and stood in front of it, unsure what to do. He crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, next to her. When he finally found his voice he opened his mouth and said the first thing that popped into his head. “I insulted you.”
************************
Hayley was stroking Pepper’s fur and her hand faltered at his words. Whatever she imagined him saying in this moment, it wasn’t anything like that. It was so far from anything she’d been expecting, she looked up at him, confused. He was staring at her, like he’d never seen her before, or like she was the answer to a question he’d only just figured out. He wasn’t disgusted or horrified or even pitying. He had a look on his face that Hayley was certain she’d never seen on anyone ever before and she couldn’t begin to guess at its meaning.
“When I said you didn’t live,” he supplied. “You…you live Hayley. I’ve never seen anyone live like you. The food and the baths and the way you are when you see the stars or a sunrise or have an orgasm. Even when we’re just kissing. It’s like there’s nothing else happening in the world around us. You get so much out of such a small life. All the things I never even think about anymore, you live inside those moments like they’re your last on Earth. It was always like you were living on borrowed time, because you are. I never got it before.”
Hayley tickled Pepper under the chin. “You said in the army they teach you to eat and sleep when you can.” She shrugged. “I grab happiness where I can. Because I don’t know when I’ll have it again. I don’t know if tonight’s the night I have another nightmare and can’t sleep for a week. I don’t know if tomorrow he’ll somehow find me and finish what he started. Or if someone else will come along and do it for him, just for the money in my pocket. There’s so much shit in the world. I can’t think about it, or let it control me. I had so many panic attacks at first, when people got too close to me. Throwing up all the time, just eating broth because I couldn’t keep anything down. Sleeping in closets. Afraid. All the time. That’s not living.
“I’m jealous of Jimmy,” she admitted. “And I’m pissed at him, too. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I am. Because he had an awful thing happen to him, too, but he’s safe. No one wants to hurt him anymore; no one will. He can be happy, he just doesn’t want to be. For a long time, I couldn’t choose to be happy. I just couldn’t do that for myself because I was so afraid.” She sighed heavily. “I’m sorry I touched your gun. I know you said not to. But he needs to see that he has a choice. Even if it’s not something he can do by himself. Even if he needs to talk to someone about it. It’s still a choice. I had to do everything for myself. Learn to breathe. Learn to eat. Learn to sleep in a bed. He doesn’t even have to do that. He has you. He has help. He should take it.”
