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Breaking my Ariana habit is not going to be hard; it’s going to be fucking torture.
“Are you looking forward to going back to work?” I ask. Knowing that, in reality, most people don’t. Unless they love their job, which is rare.
She winces a little, which tells me everything. “To be honest, I’ve been really burnt out at work. I’ve been thinking about having a change for some time. I’d really love to get into something new, try my hand at something a bit more creative.”
I tilt my head to the side. “What is it you think you’d like to do?”
She shrugs. “I’ve always liked the idea of flower arranging. Some of the bouquets that come into the venues we hire are like something out of a magazine. I love all the contrasts of colors, different shapes and sizes, how to mix and match to make each arrangement unique. I almost took a course once, but I pulled out at the last minute.”
“Why did you do that?”I ask, intrigued.
“I don’t know. I was going through some stuff at the time, it just seemed like a far-off dream, and I had to go to school at night, so juggling a full-time job and then night classes just kind of freaked me out. Sometimes I wish I’d have done it, though. I’d love to run my own business.”
Bingo. And there you have it.
Everyone has a dream.
I’d never pick her for a florist; it’s so refreshingly honest... and normal. I’m surrounded by highfalutin businesspeople all day, so I sometimes forget what it’s like in the real world and that makes me sound like an even bigger asshole.
“Everyone has a dream, Ariana. There is no point living a life that’s half lived if you’re not happy and not doing what you love. It’s quite simple as it is pointless working just to live, which is what most people do, but I’ve never understood it. Time is so fragile, so precious.”
She smiles gingerly. “You’re right. We live to pay bills and get by. It’s kind of sad when you think about it. You get paid to just exist.”
I watch her carefully. “No truer words spoken. You should go back to school; do something that makes you feel good. There are plenty of ways to make money, but from what I’ve learned over the years, you’ll run out of steam if you don’t at least enjoy the thing you do all day. Eventually, you’ll burn out and end up hating it. I know a lot of people who are rich as sin, but they’re divorced, kids don’t speak to them anymore, and they can’t hold down a relationship, let alone a civil conversation. Bitterness will lead to resentment and you’ll end up hating yourself, hating your life. My friend, the one who died, he killed himself.”
She gasps. “Lukas, I’m so sorry.”
He waves a hand. “It’s still so raw. I knew he wasn’t happy, but I never thought he’d put a gun down his throat.”
She watches me with sad eyes and reaches over to squeeze my hand.
I need her comfort like I need oxygen.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently.
I shake my head. “Maybe in time, but I don’t want the mood to ruin tonight.”
“What about you?” she asks. “Are you happy?”
I stare at her.
Nobody has ever had the gall to come out and ask me that.
I ponder it for a moment. “I’m not unhappy, Ariana. That’s almost the same thing, isn’t it?”
I so badly want to take her.
She shakes her head. “That sounds like one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.”
I turn her hand up and link our fingers.
“I live a good life,” I tell her. “I’m not at the point of a gun down my throat.”
Her lips twitch. “I’m glad to hear that.”
I take a sip of my red wine as I feel the depth of her warmth.
“I've lived a fast life for a long time. After graduating, I went right into saving my father’s dwindling business. He was an alcoholic and heavily in debt. Some said I should have let him drown in it. He wasn’t always a model father, but loyalty runs deep. I could see the cracks, where he had failed, but I could see success. I could see a new way of doing things that he couldn’t. Everything expanded rapidly after he stepped down. It was the one time he was proud of me. Believe me, those moments were rare.”
