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I snort. “You don’t know shit, coz.”
I need to move, to get my shit together, get out of New York and back to my real life. That’s what I need. Maybe then I can try to forget about her eyes. Or her smile.
“Screw it.”
Finishing the drink in my hand, I put the empty bottle in the recycling bin and pick up the cooler. The entire time, Emmett watches me with a wry smile on his face.
“You really are too easy to get riled up, Cole. You don’t have to pack up.”
“Don’t you have a wife to annoy?” There is more bite to my tone than I mean there to be. Luckily from the look on Emmett’s face, he knows that I don’t mean it.
“She’s taking Chloe to get her hair done, and Laurence is with Mimi for the afternoon for quality great-grandmother time.” He eyes the chest with a thirsty look. “Got another beer in there?”
I sigh and retake my seat. We sit quietly, enjoying the peace and sounds of people living beyond the walls of our community. There is no such thing as quiet in the city, even where we live, but I’ll take what we can get.
Unable to help myself, I stare at Casper’s sliding glass door and sigh. Memories of our afternoon together on the dining room table come flashing back uncomfortably. To cover my unease, I cough.
“Has Sori talked to her?” Looking at Emmett out of the corner of my eye is a lot harder than I think it’ll be. Especially considering the fact that he is sitting less than three feet away. “Or seen her?”
Emmett smacks his lips together. “Yeah. She’s been to the house for dinner this week. Under the guise of seeing Laurence and chatting with Sori about whatever women talk about. She went with Chloe and Sori to get their nails done yesterday too, I think.”
At least she’s okay. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself. Even if she doesn’t want to see me, she is okay. There is still crying at night, although it is getting better.
“I have to get out of the city.” I stare at Casper’s door some more. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Emmett leans forward, propping himself up by his elbows on his knees. His button-down shirt with rolled-up sleeves and crisp black slacks remind me that we live two very different lives. Where he wears suits and goes to board meetings, I hold a gun in hand and go overseas.
“You and I both know for a fact that you could get cleared for active duty in a heartbeat if you called your doctor. He only gave you a few more weeks because it seemed like you wanted it. If it’s something that you honestly want to do, just call him. Ask him to sign the release, and just go.”
Thoughts of my unit, my friends, going overseas without me even for a minute fill my head. The panic that usually comes with trying to remember that night is there too. On the fringes of my mind, reminding me why I amnotwith them. Why I’m a potential danger to them.
“I can’t,” I admit hoarsely. “There’s something I haven’t told him. And if I go overseas like this, I could get someone hurt.”
There is an almost imperceptible shift in Emmett’s face, but he hides it well.
“What’s going on, Cole?” Concern laces his voice and I see the way his body tenses while he waits for an answer.
One that I’m not sure I can give him. Except looking at my options, I know there isn’t any real way out of it.
“I’ve been having panic attacks.” The words burn, betraying everything I know about myself. About being a man. Admitting my weakness to the man I look up to more than almost anyone else is embarrassing enough as it is. The blank expression on his face while he watches me makes it even worse.
I can practically hear the condemnation in his mind. How he must think that I’m nothing. With every passing moment of silence between us, the dull throbbing in my mind grows. Until I can’t stand it anymore and am ready to get up and leave. Anything is better than facing Emmett’s disappointment.
“When I found out that I was a father,” he says quietly. “I panicked. Every single night, for months, I woke up in the middle of the night. Cold sweats, migraines, and dry heaves. They were my constant companion when I found out what my ex had done. Keeping Chloe a secret from me the way she did. Robbing me of those memories. Ones I should have had.” He closes his eyes tightly, breathing deeply. “Sori helped me get through it, even if she didn’t know about it at the time. She is there for me, my rock. She keeps me stable.”
“At least you had that,” I point out.
But he isn’t done yet.
“That’s not the point. The point is that it happens. There are things we can’t control. That we can’t see coming. And I was there that night, Cole. When you were brought into the hospital. I was there with you, remember? I heard what they said. What you said. What happened. Four hours, that’s how long you waited for help to come. No wonder you feel helpless or start to panic when you think about what caused the accident. You’re allowed to feel that. To feel that pain. To feel what happened to you. I’m not perfect. No one is. And the sooner you remember that fact, the sooner you’ll start to feel better about what happened.”
Emmett’s words wind their way through my head and wrap around my brain until it is literally impossible to think of anything else. My chest loosens, and the throbbing at the edges of my mind ease up until there is barely a hint of the chaos that had been close to breaking out only moments before.
“You’re human,” Emmett goes on. “You might never remember what happened to cause the accident. But that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a weaker man. Nor does it make you any less deserving of the life that you’re building for yourself. They did blood tests on you and every other test they could manage. You weren’t drinking. You weren’t drugged. You didn’t do anything illegal to cause the accident. You’renota danger.”
Gods above, if he isn’t hitting every single one of my buttons. I don’t know what is happening. I have to keep myself from crying, because he really is giving me the closure that I need.
“Thank you.” The words barely come out, and I have to struggle not to choke on them with all the emotion I currently feel building up.
