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“But you sort of threw out a few random facts about your life and…I don’t know…I guess I want to know more about you. What exactly happened to make you into this structured finance guy who’s mildly obsessed with his career?”
It was risky to broach this subject—especially when he was kind of vulnerable just sitting there in his underwear—but even if this relationship were ending before it had a chance to begin, she was genuinely curious about what made Noah the man he is today.
He casually finished his sandwich and took a drink of the sweet tea she’d made before getting more comfortable. When he looked at her, she already knew he wasn’t fully comfortable sharing things about himself.
“My mom was studying to be a nurse in college and was casually dating my dad when she got unexpectedly pregnant. She managed to continue with school through the pregnancy and for a little while after I was born, but she got pressured into dropping out by her conservative in-laws after she and my father got married.”
“Oh, wow…”
“My father was a college athlete who likely wasn’t going to make it pro, but still had hope. When my mom got pregnant, his parents pressured him into marrying her and getting a ‘real’ job to support his family.” With a snort of derision, he shook his head. “He really resented the whole thing, and his way of coping was to drink excessively until he ultimately became known as the town drunk.”
Now she really hated that she’d brought this up.
“It became clear fairly soon after I was born that he wasn’t going to clean up his act to take care of our family. And yet they still ended up having two more kids, my brothers, so Mom took on a job as a personal support worker to make money to support us and to have enough flexibility to still be around for us.”
“That must have been so hard for her,” she quietly commented.
“It was, and she spent a lot of years trying to be the one who held it all together. When I was ten, she sort of had enough and kicked him out.” He paused and took another drink. “But the old man was good at making promises, and even though she knew better, she took him back.”
“Oh my goodness. Why?”
“He claimed to have cleaned up his act, started going to AA, and got a steady job. Unfortunately, this was a cycle they fell into repeatedly…for years, actually. Until something happened that convinced her he was never going to change and we were better off without him.”
As much as she hated to make him keep going, she had to know. “What happened?”
“He caused a car accident—a bad one. He hit a car that my brother Jax was in with a bunch of his friends. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he had a woman in the car with him. Some whore he picked up in a bar.” He paused for another drink. “That was a huge wake up call. That accident finally broke the cycle, and she kicked him out once and for all.”
“Noah, I’m so sorry!” Reaching over, she took his hand in hers and kissed it. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s okay. Really.” He looked at their hands and she thought they were done, but he continued the story.
“As the oldest brother, I was the one who was the most aware of what was going on with them and I tried to shield my brothers from it as much as I could when we were all kids. From a pretty young age, I took on a sort of parental role to help my mom out.”
“Believe me, I have two younger sisters and I know how hard it can be taking care of your siblings, even though I never experienced anything like you did.”
“You’re lucky. I didn’t have a good childhood and didn’t always make the best decisions, especially as a teenager. But I was always determined to be successful so I could take care of my mom and so that I’d never end up in a situation like when I was a kid.”
“And you’re working hard to make that happen. You take your responsibilities seriously. It’s really amazing all you’ve overcome.”
“Thank you, but…on the outside, I might look like a pretty straightlaced business guy, but it’s really just a front I put on so people don’t pay too much attention to me. I enjoy flying under the radar and just keeping my head down. I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I don’t really trust anything good that happens in my life because when I was a kid, the good times usually meant that really bad times were just around the corner.” He let out a small laugh. “So…there it is. That’s my life.”
“Holy crap, Noah,” she said sadly. “I don’t even know how to respond to all that.”
“When we met, you had me pegged as this numbers geek without knowing anything about me, and believe me, you’re not the only one. Sometimes people don’t want the spotlight on them or are extremely content being behind the scenes. My brothers obviously chose very different paths, and to the world, they look like they have everything.” He shrugged. “We all struggle with our past. Simon puts a lot of that into the lyrics he writes for his music. And Jax? Well…I think he gets to vent any frustration or anger when he’s on the field. It motivates him to play harder and he’s very good at what he does, so…”
“But what about you?” she whispered.
“What do you mean?”
“If Simon’s voicing his pain through his music, and Jax can let out all of his through playing aggressively, where does that leave you? How do you deal with your pain? Because you’re making it sound like you just keep pushing it down and working hard so you can have a better life, but…you’re not dealing with it.”
He hesitated a moment before responding. “I went to therapy all through college,” he said softly. “I’m a big proponent of that sort of thing and take mental health issues seriously.”
All Lily could do was stare at him in wonder, even as she felt ashamed of herself.
She had made some broad assumptions about him when they first met, and every single one of them was wrong. Noah Wylder was possibly the strongest, kindest man she’d ever met.
And probably the most tortured.
