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I look at her curiously. She’s a bit full on, to be honest. But maybe this is one of those weird times when two strangers meet, tell each other everything because they’re never going to see each other again. ‘You mean there’s more?’
‘How long do you have?’ The girl rolls her eyes. ‘A broken heart… Actually, that’s an exaggeration. It really wasn’t that dramatic. The guy I lived with in Spain, we were together for five years. Though now, when I look back, I can’t understand why I stayed so long.’
‘Five years is a long time to walk away from.’ It’s longer than Lisa and I were together and that’s hard enough.
‘It’s a lot of time to waste.’ Her voice is suddenly abrupt. ‘He was a nice guy. But I’d always known there was something missing between us.’
‘It’s a good reason for insomnia, isn’t it? Love?’
The girl frowns. ‘Believe me, it wasn’t love. That’s my whole point.’
I clasp my hands together. ‘Well, my story for what it’s worth, is all about love. I was engaged to someone. I thought I had the rest of my life mapped out. But she cheated on me. And then she left me.’
‘That’s shit.’ The girl looks shocked. ‘You didn’t see it coming?’
‘Hadn’t a clue.’ It takes nothing to trigger images of that terrible evening again. ‘I came in from work one night and Lisa told me she’d met someone else. It turned out she met him some time ago. She’d just been hedging her bets until she decided which way to jump.’ I look at the girl. ‘But it must be far worse for you. I mean, five years is a long time.’
‘It’s a ridiculously long time. And in many respects, we had a really nice life. But I’d always had the feeling something was missing – like I said. I guess I just didn’t love him – at least, not enough.’ She glanced at Jack. ‘How long were you two together?’
‘Two years.’ I hesitate. Two years that had meant everything, that turned out to mean nothing. ‘But Lisa decided we didn’t want the same things. That it was better we broke up now than let more years go by.’ I shake my head. ‘The thing was, I hadn’tbeen letting time go by. I’d been living our best life – as I thought she had. But whatever we had, it wasn’t enough for her.’ Looking at the girl, I shrug. ‘She was the love of my life. I thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together.’
The girl looks incredulous. ‘I’m sorry, but if she really was the love of your life, she could never have treated you like that.’
Her outspokenness takes me aback. But she only knows part of the story. ‘I think it’s pretty simple. I screwed up – and it’s too late.’
‘You have to be kidding.’ A look of outrage crosses her face. ‘Your girlfriend leaves you for another guy and you blame yourself? If you ask me, nothing about that sentence is right – unless you were cheating on her, too, or something?’
‘Of course not,’ I say hastily. ‘I would never do that. But she came out with a whole load of stuff.’ When I tried to talk to her, it had triggered an outpouring of grievances.I want to move to Brighton, but you have pet goats, for Christ’s sake.But it wasn’t just the goats. It went deeper.You have an unhealthy obsession with dying, Jack. I don’t want to constantly be thinking about death. I want to live.
‘Life can be shit sometimes.’ The girl falls silent. ‘We waste all this time, don’t we? Like all the years I’ve wasted with the wrong person. Time is one thing we don’t have endless supplies of, isn’t it?’
I glance at her, slightly shocked that I need reminding. I used to embrace life; to love this world. But I can’t deny they’re feelings that have long been missing. ‘You’re brave.’
It’s her turn to look taken aback. ‘How so?’
‘Walking away like that. So many people stay together, simply because it’s easier than leaving. Their whole lives pass them by – and they miss out on knowing how true love really feels. But you knew something was wrong and you acted on it.’
She’s silent for a moment. ‘If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that life is not for settling.’ She shrugs. ‘Maybe that’s how your girlfriend felt. I don’t suppose it was easy for her, either.’
‘I’m not so sure.’ Lisa had been unbelievably emotionless about leaving. ‘It would have been nice if she’d told me before finding someone else.’
The girl shrugs again. ‘Maybe she wasn’t sure. For a long time, I know I kept going backwards and forwards. I wasn’t unfaithful, though. But once you tell someone it’s over… there’s no going back, is there?’ She sighs. ‘This will probably sound mad, but I have this idea in my mind about how it feels to fall madly, deeply in love. It’s never actually happened…’ She tails it off. ‘It’s more like I know what love isn’t. And it’s taken me five years in Spain to get to this point, but anything that isn’t right just doesn’t cut it.’ She takes a deep breath. ‘I’m guessing you know what I mean.’
‘I do.’ My voice is suddenly husky. ‘I’ve spent a long time thinking I’ll never get over her.’
The girl is silent. ‘Can I tell you what I really think?’
I look at her warily. ‘I have a feeling you’re going to, whatever I say.’
‘OK…’ She looks more animated. ‘First, you should forget the idea that she was the love of your life. Honestly, I can tell you she wasn’t or you’d still be together. Secondly… you will get over her. How long has it been?’
‘A year,’ I say quietly.
‘A year?’ She sounds outraged. ‘You’re telling me you’ve spent a year grieving for someone who treated you like…?’
My face is suddenly hot. However hard it is to take, it’s the first time since Lisa’s left that anyone’s been so unflinchingly honest; an even bigger shock to find myself thinking, she might be right.
A look of horror fills her eyes as her hand covers her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry.’
