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“Yes,” Sandrine said. “He’s on the path waiting for us. Don’t deflect, Josie. I think we need to discuss what your fixation on the weather is really about.”
Josie took a deep breath. “Not here.”
Sandrine pursed her lips momentarily, now looking like a disappointed school teacher. “You’re right. It doesn’t have to be here. It’s cold and Cooper said you’ve just seen a bear! But Josie, we will unpack this.”
“Sandrine, it really is very simple,” Josie said. She started to walk back toward the path to camp. “This retreat has been wonderful. Really. I’m even sleeping better! But if we get stuck up here for a long time, it could be very bad for all of us.”
Sandrine trudged alongside her. With a sigh, she brushed snow from her shoulders. “Josie, you’ve worked so hard this week. I’ve been very impressed by your commitment to processing the traumatic events of your childhood as well as the painful losses you’ve experienced as an adult, but in our private sessions, I’ve felt as though you were holding something back.”
Josie didn’t say anything. As usual, Sandrine was right. She used the sleeve of her coat to wipe snow from her nose.
More softly now, Sandrine said, “Will you tell me what’s bothering you?”
Josie kept moving down the path, annoyed at how long it was taking. Her boots slipped several times in the wet snow.
Sandrine went on. “Maybe the real issue here is trust. We don’t know one another that well. It’s been less than a week. Given your life experience, I can certainly understand why you have issues trusting people—and processes—but you will never get past your trauma if you don’t try to trust people.”
“Trust is earned,” Josie pointed out. She took one last look over her shoulder. The boulder was still in sight. The bear hadn’t returned.
“Has anyone in your life ever truly earned your trust?”
The answer came to Josie instantly. The first person had been Lisette, her grandmother, but she was gone now. That left her husband, Noah. Did she still trust him? She had never thought him capable of hurting her until last week. He’d skewered her with that single look. It still took her breath away when she thought of it.
Aren’t you disappointed?
For the very first time since she had received the news, a voice in the back of her mind needled,Well? Aren’t you disappointed?
“Shit,” she said.
“Josie, it is very difficult to have meaningful relationships without trust.”
“No,” Josie said quickly. “It’s not that. I do trust people.”
She felt some modicum of relief at the realization. She did trust her colleagues: Chief Bob Chitwood and Detective Gretchen Palmer as well as her found family, Misty DeRossi and her son, Harris. There was also her biological family that she’d only been reunited with six years ago.
And Mettner. A memory sprang loose in her brain, popping up like the automated villain in some twisted carnival game: his pale face, the way he had stared up at her while he bled out, eyes moving from the sickening realization that he’d been badly shot to resignation that his life was about to end. With a small shake of her head, Josie mentally squashed the memory. She knew she was supposed to sit with these memories, with the feelings that came with them, but she’d always hated that advice with every fiber of her being and neither the time nor the place was right for such a thing.
Sandrine’s feet slipped as they stepped over a cluster of stones. Josie’s hand shot out, clutching her arm to keep her upright. In the distance, Josie saw Cooper waiting beneath a barren oak tree. “I trust your methods as a therapist, Sandrine,” Josie clarified. “But I don’t trust your assessment of the weather.”
Sandrine laughed, using both hands to grip Josie’s arm for support. “I do enjoy your frankness.”
“I’ve lived here my entire life,” Josie added. “I can tell when a storm is coming.”
Sandrine kept her eyes on the ground before them, treading more carefully now. “If you’re that concerned, I’ll send Cooper down and into the nearest town tonight to find out what’s going on. Happy?”
“Yes,” said Josie. “Thank you.”
Sandrine stopped just before they came within earshot of Cooper. She brushed Josie’s hand away. Her eyes darkened with concern. “Would you like to go home? I’m not keeping you here against your will, Josie. You’re free to go anytime. We’ve only got tomorrow and Saturday morning left. Whether it snows or not, it doesn’t change our program here or the work we’re trying to do. It’s all indoors anyway. Cooper can dig a path from each cabin to the main house if necessary.”
Josie didn’t argue with her. She could leave, it was true. She could go directly back to her cabin, pack up all of her things, and hop on the back of the Gator for Cooper to take her down to her vehicle. She could be home in a few hours.
As much as she missed Noah, did she really want to have the difficult conversation that awaited her at home? Today?
Sandrine stamped her feet to warm up. “So you’re not that worried about the weather?”
Josie took off her glove and jammed her hand into her coat pocket, fishing for the notebook page. When her fingers closed over it, she drew it out and handed it to Sandrine, who took it, staring at the words. “Oh Josie,” she said. “Is this…do these apply to you?”
The tip of her nose felt numb. “Yes.”
