AllFreeNovel
Share Us
No, it wasn’t, but now he’s got me nervous about that, too. He’s only human. A healthy young man. Who could blame him if he wanted to see what else is out there? What happens if he goes to Minnesota and finds the love of his life and forgets I ever existed? While I’m back here in California, carrying a baby that might be his.
There’s a reason why I drove over here unannounced. I didn’t want to take the time to call him – I was in that much of a hurry to get here and tell him about the baby. I was ready to blurt the whole thing out. Not even because I wanted to stop him from going. Deep down inside, I know I can’t stop this from happening. I convinced myself he deserves to know before he leaves.
I’m still convinced. I can’t imagine him flying out to Minnesota without knowing. I can imagine him being hurt and confused, and maybe even angry if I didn’t tell him until he was practically on the other side of the country. Like I was keeping a secret and trying to hurt him somehow.
On top of that, there’s my completely out of control hormones. I can’t even tell how much of what I’m thinking and feeling is warranted and how much is the result of my completely out of whack emotions. It’s bad enough Ryder already made a rash decision he ended up regretting. I don’t want to do the same thing. He means too much.
“I’m all messed up.”
“You’re the least messed up person I ever met.” The hand he rubs in circles over my back is a gift. It loosens tightness I hadn’t even noticed. I had my muscles locked up. I can even breathe more deeply now, and the wave of breathtaking emotion that overwhelmed me moments ago subsides.
I bury my face in his neck and breathe deep, like I can soak him into me somehow. “I don’t know. I feel pretty messy right now.”
“That’s because I’m a fuck-up. It’s not your fault.”
“You wouldn’t have asked for the trade if I hadn’t broken up with you guys.”
“You were trying to do the right thing.”
“So were you,” I remind him. “I know your heart was in the right place.”
Laughter rumbles in his chest. “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe my heart needs to be in the wrong place from now on.”
A wave of love sweeps over me, and it’s intense enough to force the words out. “I have to tell you something.” I pull back, determined to get it over with. I don’t know if I’ll forgive myself if I don’t tell him.
“I’m all ears.” Gray eyes search my face while he dries my tears with his thumbs.
“I…” I still don’t have the guts. I blurted that out without thinking. It doesn’t seem right, telling him when it’s just the two of us. I should wait until we’re all together.
“What is it? You can tell me anything. I mean it.” And he does, and I can tell. His whole sweet, understanding heart is on display, shining through his eyes and his gentle words, through his tender touch.
There’s no taking this back. No pretending it was a joke. And it could make an already complicated situation a hundred times worse. I know that. Which is why I can’t bring myself to get it over with. There’s no turning back the clock or wiping the slate clean.
“You know, I think this is something I should tell all three of you at once.”
Okay, he’s bound to figure it out now, right? I mean what could this possibly be about? The sort of thing I would want to tell all three of them at the same time. What could it be otherthan an unexpected pregnancy? Then again, as far as they’re concerned, we’re covered. I’m on the pill, we’re safe. I mean, I certainly believed it. I can’t blame them for not jumping to that conclusion.
He looks at the clock on the nightstand and frowns. “It’s pretty late. My flight’s at six, and Ash is supposed to drive me to the airport…”
“But you’re leaving in the morning, and I really have to talk to all of you at once.”
“Fine.” He’s obviously confused and concerned, but he grabs his phone and calls Soren, then Ash. “She said it’s important,” he murmurs to Ash— it’s just like him to ask why, even though Soren was agreeable without asking questions.
The whole thing only takes a few minutes, and afterward he tosses his phone onto the bed. “They’re on the way over. I’ve got to finish up here. I hope you don’t mind if I keep packing.”
“Of course, I don’t mind. Let me help you.”
He stops me before I can get up. “No, that’s alright. You just stay there, relax.”
But I can’t relax. Pretty soon, he’ll understand why. My body is humming with adrenaline, and the questions and fears and worries that have run through my head ever since I took the test are just as loud and demanding of my attention as ever. Who could sit still through something like this? I have to settle for pacing up and down the hallway, chewing my nails, running through countless scenarios in my head.
There are so manywhat if’s. What if they hate me for it? What if they accuse me of doing this on purpose? All the same questionsand fears I’ve battled for days, only now the fear is more immediate. Only a few minutes, and I’ll have to fess up. I mean, what’s the alternative? Telling them I was only kidding and they can go home and go to bed? Something tells me that wouldn’t fly – especially with Ash, who has yet to master the art of going along to get along.
All the doors to the spare rooms are open, and the emptiness on the other side makes my eyes well up all over again. He’s really going. I know how much he loves this house and how proud he was of it. It’s been the symbol of everything he’s achieved. Of how far he’s come from the kid wearing somebody else’s equipment. The sad part is, as the team therapist, this is the kind of conversation we should be having at a time like this. I should be here addressing his emotional needs, talking it out with him. My job, in other words.
But no, I’m here to make things even more complicated.
I’m on the verge of a breakdown, counting the seconds, wishing they’d hurry so I can get this over with – but as soon as the doorbell rings, I wish I had more time. I don’t know if there’s enough time to prepare myself for this. I guess there’s no preparing for it, ever, and all anybody can do is get through it. I just never expected to be one of those people.
